Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Cooking Tantamount to Sex: Five Love Languages Revisited

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on March 11, 2010

Being cerebral and with plenty of time on my hands for thinking (It’s amazing what things you think about when the woman leading your Shadow Boxing class is, in fact, trying to kill you), I like to take other people’s theories and contemplate how they might be applied in new situations. You might be asking, “You mean he is so egotistical that he will take apart other people’s theories, re-arrange them, and then use them for his own self-serving purposes?”

Yes…Yes I am.1

And, because I have a penchant for bloviating, I like to share.

My female friend and I have started not dating.2 This was decided because both of us decided that the depth in the dating pool was rather shallow and we were tired of bumping our head on the steps.

So, we are “not dating.”  We are doing all of the same stuff couples do FOR dates, minus what actually happens ON dates.   I have someone I can go to a ballgame, the movies, a Broadway musical, or a country two-step class with.  She’s intelligent, funny, and, I’ll admit, very nice to look at (i.e. really, really smokin’ hot). But, she set the boundary as just friends and I’m cool with that (This is a foreign concept to most people). We both have a desire for companionship and can address each other’s needs. It’s win-win.

Then she brought me homemade Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip cookies, which were Heaven in cookie form.

Thankfully, I understand and respect boundaries. (Yes, I am not a giant whale penis in this circumstance). But, this sort of thing can be very confusing because, at its core, cooking is, as one of my female colleagues puts it, “Tantamount to Sex”.

If you’ve never read The Five Love Languages, you are, in fact, fired (Please follow the link and re-apply to this blog later). One of the love languages is “physical touch”. Now, granted, baked goods could be defined as “gifts”; however, because they are homemade, they may be a sign of affection for a “physical touch” person because he/she is putting their caring and emotions into what he/she is making…by hand.

To me, this is very similar to how I communicate love, devotion, and passion (and, of course, lust) through my touching and caressing of the females who are goodly enough to let me do so.3 4 When I’m with a woman that I feel strongly about, I am keenly aware of the intensity that burns from my fingertips, through my lips and in my eyes. (This has lead, sadly, to a stalker or two in my time. See future blogs for details on why giving some women good sex is a BAD idea).

I asked said friend if she felt the same way about baking for others, minus all the eroticism. She admitted that, while, her baking was self-serving in many ways (Isn’t everything we do anyway?), she does take great care in making sure they are the kinds of things people she shares them with will like. She is making some cupcakes for her best girlfriend’s 30th birthday, as one example.

Now, why could this be confusing to people WHO ARE NOT me? Because COOKING IS TANTAMOUNT TO SEX. 5

I was talking to my colleague about this because, in literature (and movies/TV are forms of literature) there is a great amount of significance and symbolism to eating together:

Nice to Eat With You: Acts of Communion

  1. Whenever people eat or drink together, it’s communion
  2. Not usually religious
  3. An act of sharing and peace
  4. A failed meal carries negative connotations

(From How to Read Literature Like A Professor by Thomas Foster)

She is also a woman.6

She agreed that women don’t just cook for anyone. In fact, the inspiration for this blog came largely from our discussion. TH: “I remember I was dating this guy and I barely knew him. He wanted me to cook for him. I thought, ‘Hell no! You want me to get out my pots and pans for you? You might as well have just asked for sex…Cooking is Tantamount to Sex!”7

Does this mean that my non-dating friend and I just had sex? No. How do I know? Because, I’m smarter than the average teacup pig (if you saw this episode of How I Met Your Mother, you will get this).

Most people interpret the “signs” toward their own personal benefit (In many cases, personal delusions…I’m looking at you Jay Gatsby). In Julius Caesar, Brutus, Caesar, and Cassius all see the same storm, yet all have different interpretations of what it is the gods are actually saying. Cicero explains, “But men may construe things after their fashion, Clean from the purpose of the things themselves.” Shakespeare, possibly the most astute armchair psychologist (of which I am one), clearly saw that the actual “signs” don’t matter anyway; we want to see. It doesn’t matter what reality is; most of us prefer Denial Island.

Could I interpret her making cookies for me as being romantic? Sure. Heck, I could even add it to a list of “signs” of her affection, much of which occurred when she was drunk.8 However, I want to see her as a friend, so I choose to see the signs as nothing more than the comfort that comes from being around someone that matters to you. I attribute it to her feeling safe and secure in our friendship, knowing that I will not push limits, crossing the clearly established boundary of “I don’t see us having a long-term romantic connection.”9

That is the key, boundaries. She established the boundary and, as long as said boundary remains established, I know to stay on my side of the line.10 Crossing the boundary would be disrespectful and be a clear sign of personal weakness. I like to think I am a far stronger person than that and clearly in charge of how I feel. I choose her as a friend; that is how I will continue to feel. And, honestly, why do people emotionally invest themselves in people who aren’t actively investing in them? It’s silly and makes no sense (see upcoming blog for details).

One last question that a reader might be asking: “How are you not confused by those ‘signs’?”  Answer: She is confusing, therefore, I am not confused. As a textficient friend 11 of mine said to me last night about her own similar/different situation, “If you are confused about whether they like you are not, it means they most likely don’t”.

Thus, I am not confused. If you are confused or don’t follow my line of logic here, then you really need to stay tuned to my blog for further explanation. I will get to you in due time “Mr. Nice-Guys-Finish-Last.”

…you too teacup pig.

  1. 1. Thank you Phineas and Ferb.
  2. 2. In other words, she decided early on that she is not going to sleep with me.
  3. 3. And a few of them weren’t actually crazy
  4. 4. If you don’t know what this is like ladies, I profusely apologize for my gender. We really are a bunch of inconsiderate dunderheads.
  5. 5. Congrats to TH, this is the first time this word combination has appeared in this order on the internet, a rare occurrence.
  6. 6. She acknowledges that she doesn’t understand her gender either.
  7. 7. So many times when I could have had more than a sandwich?!?! Who knew?
  8. 8. Pliny the Elder said, “In Vino Veritas”, which, in my opinion, is a load of bullshit. Too much booze convinces people to lie to themselves, just more efficiently.
  9. 9. Ouch. Dude! That sucks…oh wait…that was me…
  10. 10. Boundaries have an allergy to alcohol. But as with sinuses, when the irritant is gone, the boundaries reform, often stronger than before.
  11. 11. Welcome back to my world JK.
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