Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Crazy Trains: Some Things Need an Early Warning System

Posted in Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on March 13, 2010

People can contain the crazy for about four hours.

I am not sure if this is an actual theory in psychological study or not.  But, since my friend Little Mary said it, it must be true.1 I was telling her about a date that disintegrated in a matter of minutes after being, for the most part, pretty good. “People can contain the crazy for about four hours,” she said (something like this anyway). “Sanity is an easy thing to fake. But eventually, the crazy comes crashing out.”

Sadly, I’ve yet to figure out an early warning system (HCCA – Here Comes the Crazy Alarm) for this phenomenon, which leads to a date or string of dates that stay on the rails long enough to keep you interested. Then, at a moment’s notice, you  don’t even have time to enjoy Chris Master’s pectoral dance before you are hit by the 5:45 express that just left Sanity Station.

Why didn’t God include some sort of “nervous tic” that would be like the little earthquakes that tell you it’s time to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE; this is a volcano you idiot. I envision this would look like all those cartoons of my youth where character’s who drank something toxic/flammable, they had a few, random convulsions before they flip a biscuit. Ahh…dating would be so much simpler.

Example (And these are the actual events that prompted this conversation with Minimus Maryus):

I pick up the women for an evening of fine dining and a comedy club down in Hermosa Beach. This is a first date, but we had hung out a few nights before at her place [but only for about three hours, well under the LIMIT].  There was good conversation as we drove down the backside of PV to Hermosa. TIC!!! “All Aboard!!!! HAHHHAHAHAHA”

Dinner was good. She ordered normal food (It is highly awkward when you ordered a steak and your date belongs to PETA)2. Didn’t drink too much, conversation was good. We talked about our past a little…TIC!!! “Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, AY!!!!”

The comedians were hilarious. We were laughing at a lot of the same jokes. I was making her laugh. She put her hand in mind, squeezed tenderly. It was sweet…TIC!!! “Mental  wounds not healing…”

Walked over to the pier.  Stood there talking about waves, the ocean, the dichotomy of power and beauty in nature. I had my arms wrapped around her…TIC!!! “Life’s a bitter shame…”

On the way to the car, we hit the four hour mark. The conversation began and the ground began to shake.

CT: “Yes, I had to deal with a lot of stuff back in Texas3. Like the time by ex-best friend stole my wallet. But, I guess that’s what you get when you have a threesome your best friend and her fiancé…”4

JD: “……………………………………………….”. TICTICTICTICTICTICTICTIC “I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.”

CT: “Not that I have threesomes all the time…It’s just…”

JD (Clearly unsure what to say next): I almost had a threesome once, but it was so strange that few people believe my story.

CT (TICTICTICTICTICTICTICTICTIC): Try me! [as much as she is trying here, we are past the four hour mark…there is no salvaging this]

Summary: I proceed to tell her about an almost threesome I had where I ended up having to show a lesbian how to pleasure her girlfriend.5 This is not normally a story I would tell on a first date, but, I was trying to make her feel less awkward about what she had just said. Mission accomplished…right?

CT: That’s why my last boyfriend and I broke up. He couldn’t satisfy me. I found that I had to masturbate afterwards while watching the food network. BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM 6 “I’M GOING OFF THE RAILS ON A CRAZY TRAIN!!!!”

JD: ………………………………………………………………………………..

CT: Something about Alton Brown turns me on. “GOING OFF THE RAILS ON A CRAZY TRAIN!!!!”

JD: …………I…like…Iron Chef America??? (why are we still a 3-miles away from her door?!?!?!?!)…I used to watch it with my ex-wife. My ki…

CT (the following was a frenetic blur of words and this is my best interpretation of them): I’ve always been a relationship kind of girl. I haven’t done much dating (YA THINK?!?!). I’m not sure how you do things in California. But we’ve only hung out twice and you’ve already talked about your ex-wife. I don’t know how to react to that. “GOING OFF THE RAILS ON A CRAZY TRAIN!!!!” I really don’t think I’m ready to hear about someone’s ex-wife. “GOING OFF THE RAILS ON A CRAZY TRAIN!!!!”

Summary: With that, I dropped her off. She gave me a token hug, but it was clear that I WAS BEING BLAMED for our date going awry. WTF? You talk about touching yourself at the sound of “Allez Cuisine!!!” and I ruined the date? Today’s secret ingredient: Real Fuckin’ Nuts!

Post-Mortem, The Essentials:

  1. Minute Mary said that, at the dropping of the first comment, I should have leaned over and said, “AWKWARD!!!!!!”.
  2. We seriously need to fund research in to creating the HCCA. Imagine how much of this tragedy could have been prevented if, upon our first conversation, I was greeted with the nervous tic. Better yet, how cool and simple would it be if every time that she, and other women like her, walked into a room, Chris Master’s would show up and do his boobie dance.

Well, I’m out of here.  I’ve been writing for 3:59. TICTICTICTICTICTICTICTICTICTIC .  Don’t want to miss my train.


  1. No really. She is 99.9% right on everything. If you know her, best you should listen.
  2. That is a story for another time.
  3. Apparently, everything is bigger in Texas…especially the crazy.
  4. I have been told that I am, in fact, crazy for not getting excited about this. But, as far as I know, it is BAD PROTOCOL to utter on date one. Her subsequent behavior proved that I’m right and those other people were idiots.
  5. I know what you are thinking and I don’t blame you. I was there and I still don’t actually believe that it happened.
  6. Insert volcano here.
  7. I’m pretty fucking sure that we DON’T have disturbing thoughts watching Good Eats in California.

4 Responses

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  1. JW said, on March 13, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    I can see that coming here was, in fact, a good decision. Looks like this is the start of something hilarious.

  2. DeAnn said, on March 24, 2010 at 1:07 am

    Unfortunately the amount of time it takes to go from 0 to CRAZY LOCO is instantanious, an amount of time so small it cant even be measured! However, there are definately some warning signs, if you are observant enough, although MOST are to absorbed in themselves and the prospect of POSSIBLY getting LAID later in the evening to actually hear the alarms, bells, histles, sirens, etc. to get the F*** out of dodge before the crazy train arrives. Although in your case, in this particular situation, knowing you the way I do, your shock & awe of the conversation got the betterof you and you suffered from what we refer to as DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS – your so shocked by the last statement out her mouth you just stare and try to get the hell out of the way, but end up getting clipped by the on-coming crazy train. Oh well – live and learn is all we can do … and listen!!! Keep writing, I’m hooked!!!

  3. Jen said, on March 24, 2010 at 4:01 am

    I am speechless because I can’t stop laughing. Dating 101 acceptable talking points… music, where you grew up, crazy sex stories (not so much!)

  4. […] of questions about my personal life, probing to see if my ex-wife and I had broken up yet. The “Crazy Train” here goes without saying [But notice, I’m shamelessly plugging a previous […]

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