Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

The Nice-Guy Conundrum: The Math and Science Behind Attraction

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on March 17, 2010

One of the reasons I watch The Big Bang Theory on Monday nights is that I appreciate intelligent humor.1 The show is well-written and the characters resemble friends of mine (No, not the HOT one). But, mainly, I watch it because I like to look at Kaley Cuoco. “Wait,” you ask, “But you like smart women.” Sure, I like intelligent women and her character is as “dumb as a box of hammers”2; but look at her! (I may not actually be this superficial…It is still up for debate).

Now, there are two things to point out about the primary “relationship” of the show. 1. String theory3 is easier to prove than a “real” relationship between a woman this hot and a man this “not-rich” and nerdy; 2. Said “nerdy” nice guy is actually a douschebag.

The fact is…yes, nice guys do finish last, but they also deserve to. (To those of you who argue, please withhold judgment until you have completed reading both posts. You will see that my opinion is far more accurate than yours).

Point #1 The Real Reason Kaley Will Never Sleep With You

Guy #1: Envision, for a moment, your local dance club on a Friday night. In walks a tall, handsome, cowboy (aka, Me). Within moments, he has made his way through the herd of female antelopes, and occasional wildebeest. He has sized up the room and begins studying his selected prey to find weaknesses, self-esteem cracks that make them an easy target [(Attractiveness – self-esteem) *Daddy Issues  = Target acquired].  If he finds none on first glance, he is patient. No need to rush. Sometimes, all it takes is working the room and mingling with the known members of the herd. They prey will become available…they always do, often thanks to large quantities of alcohol. [Self Esteem Issues * Number of Drinks Consumed = % Chance of Success (This is often more than 100)].

Opportunity always comes.

And all the while, the women watch him, not with the wary eye they should be, but with awe, interest and growing desire. [Alcohol * Desire = Zero-Good Decisions] He may be a complete asshat, but, and this is important, he is also completely male and his hormones are gamma rays that melt all protest and inhibition. [Physical Attractiveness * Alcohol * Confidence(only part assholishness) = This guy is FREAKIN HOT]

Guy #2: Timidly walks into the same dance club. He desperately wishes some of these beautiful women would come up and talk to him. Largely incapable of effective interaction, he stands and even the wildebeest walk by with their nose and tails in the air. He is never seen as a threat. When he finally happens to talk to one of them, the words fumble from his mouth. He burns with the same desire, but that scent is overwhelmed by that of fear and insecurity. Women never feel a spark and he follows them around, like a lion cub on a leash, a leash he gladly puts on himself because he thinks that, if he talks to her long enough, he has even the semblance of a chance.

And all the while, he is invisible.4 [Number of potential women/amount of self-confidence, when SC = 0, is, frankly, impossible]

Summary:

Guy #1, traditionally know as the asshole, almost excretes confidence and sexuality in a way that women find attractive (if only I could bottle that stuff), and far more effective than Axe or Tag5.. This is because that, while we are sentient creatures, we are not that far removed from other animals whose mating rituals are primarily for procreation (for example, rednecks and conservative politicians6). The concept of” Alpha Male” works the same in social situations as it does in the animal kingdom.  Alpha’s are the first to eat and the first to mate.

If this were not true, then brutish, undereducated men who like to drink and fight would never get laid. Men who are clearly rude, self-centered, and egotistical would never get women. Yet, reality shows us that women will THROW themselves at these men, repeatedly. (Recent studies have shown that if you also lack a conscience, even the most scrupulous “true-love-can-wait” girl cannot resist).

Guy #2 (Aka Leonard), traditionally known as the Omega male, radiates ZERO% sexuality and 100% desperation [Which smells a lot like day old toes7]. Because they are incapable of securing the kill themselves, they defer to whatever is left over by the Alpha, Beta and other males. In a social situation, this just does not work because the leftovers aren’t dead. Even the leftover women are attracted to confidence, fake confidence, the illusion of confidence, etc…etc…etc.  There are, in fact, no scraps.

There is nothing about being “nice” that makes the Omega a viable candidate. They display clear weakness and do little or nothing to change their status. They spend most of their time hoping to get laid, rather than believing that they will. And, while “hope” may get a president elected, it proves useless when there is no action [Obama’s presidency and sexless men have a lot in common].

To return to the BBT paradigm, in the real world (no matter how hard you believe, World of Warcraft is not, in fact, the real world), Leonard would be spending his nights with his best friend, constantly complaining about the jerks that Penny kept dating (oh wait, that was the whole first couple of seasons, which were far more realistic). And, by default, Penny would keep dating these men…not because she wanted to be treated poorly, but for the reasons stated in this blog.

Sadly, BBT’s flaws don’t end there because, in truth, Leonard is the biggest asshat on the show.  In part 2, we explore why the “nice guy” is, in fact, the biggest asshat of them all.

Footnotes:

  1. The Dork in JD; see link
  2. I have our choir teacher NM to thank for sharing that wonderful phrase.
  3. See also String Theory for Dummies
  4. In fact, the U.S. Marine Corps has invested serious man hours in trying to train their soldiers to become emotionally weak as a viable, invisibility option for combat. Unfortunately, most marines are unqualified to even pretend to be nice guys.
  5. Body spray is about as effective as male, alcohol consumption in attractive women, in spite of what the commercials try and tell us.
  6. Addendum, this is only when they have sex with their actual wives. Mistresses are a different story.
  7. My Friend GL was so bad, it was the equivalent of week old toes. No really. Ask anyone who was ever in a car with him. Can you say, windows down when it is absolute zero outside?
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8 Responses

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  1. happykaleigh said, on March 17, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    I did what you said. I read the whole thing. I still argued with you the whole time in my brain, though. I’m gonna start making points now. I’m a Kaleigh, and I can tell you that that Kaley is not half as good-looking as me. Honest truth. I’m sure you can tell by reading this that I’m at least a little bit intelligent, because I can spell and punctuate correctly. So here’s my first point. Intelligent girls like the “nice guy” for a myriad of reasons. I’m beautiful and smart, and I will always, without fail, choose the smart/nice guy regardless of whether he’s good looking. There are a bazillion reasons for this, I promise. Reason 1) women who date intelligent (not necessarily coordinated, hot, and/or athletic) guys will eventually end up with the money, because nerds rule the world. Money is -huge-. 2) women who date guys who don’t believe they could ever deserve them and don’t believe they could “ever get a better girl than you” should you leave, have -vastly- better chances of getting the guy to stay. 3) when a guy doesn’t believe he deserves you and you do little nice things for him, you rock his world. 4) when a guy believes he’s attractive, his chances of cheating are monumentally higher. So there’s that.

    • theteacher174 said, on March 18, 2010 at 5:49 pm

      First, thanks for finding yourself reading my blog. Now, I will acknowledge that this is not an absolute rule. However, it tends to be the case in most situations.

      Now, to point out the flaws in your argument.

      HK: 1) women who date intelligent (not necessarily coordinated, hot, and/or athletic) guys will eventually end up with the money, because nerds rule the world. Money is -huge-.
      Me: So, you’ve traded good looks for money. That sounds equally shallow to me. More importantly, nerds CAN be alpha males. Bill Gates is a huge nerd, but he has that “kill” instinct that allowed him to destroy competition whenever he could so that Microsoft ruled the technological world. I am a nerd as well, yet I am also very alpha.
      Not all nerds end up with money and, in fact, many end up with women who use and abuse it. And, again, women are often attracted to the ones who exhibit that “power” quality.
      NERDS DO NOT RULE THE WORLD. People who have charisma rule the world. Intelligence is not a necessity to leadership. Internal strength and power are. George W. Bush was a C student, but had the right qualities to lead. In fact, many presidents have been of questionable intelligence, but they have the capacity to draw people to them.

      HK: 2) women who date guys who don’t believe they could ever deserve them and don’t believe they could “ever get a better girl than you” should you leave, have -vastly- better chances of getting the guy to stay.
      Me: Forgive me for saying this, but wow, this exposes some insecurity. Getting the guy to stay? Are you so unworthy that it’s a concern with a more attractive man? I thought you said you were amazing?
      Furthermore, you should be with someone that you want to be with and give them the freedom to want you or not. What you are doing is the equivalent of the way men objectify women. But, because you are a woman, this kind of emotional slavery is deemed acceptable by society. Consider, as a guy, if I told people that I was marrying that highly unattractive girl because she wouldn’t leave. How many women do you think would shout me down for being a horrible person? People would be right for calling me awful because, frankly, by doing that, I have stripped her of her dignity and I don’t even view her as a human being.
      Don’t believe me, here is a classic oldies song that the vast majority of the modern world things is horrible and sexist:

      If you wanna be happy
      For the rest of your life
      Never make a pretty woman your wife
      So for my personal point of view
      Get an ugly girl to marry you

      If you wanna be happy
      For the rest of your life
      Never make a pretty woman your wife
      So for my personal point of view

      Get an ugly girl to marry you
      A pretty woman makes her husband look small
      And very often causes his downfall
      As soon as he marries her and then she starts
      To do the things that will break his heart

      But if you make an ugly woman your wife
      A-you’ll be happy for the rest of your life
      An ug-a-ly woman cooks meals on time
      She’ll always give you peace of mind

      If you wanna be happy
      For the rest of your life
      Never make a pretty woman your wife
      So for my personal point of view
      Get an ugly girl to marry you
      —- Instrumental Interlude —-

      Don’t let your friends say you have no taste
      Go ahead and marry anyway
      Though her face is ugly
      Her eyes don’t match
      Take it from me
      She’s a better catch

      If you wanna be happy
      For the rest of your life
      Never make a pretty woman your wife
      So for my personal point of view
      Get an ugly girl to marry you
      (Spoken)
      Say man
      Hey baby
      I saw your wife the other day
      Yeah
      Yeah, an’ she’s ug-leeee
      Yeah, she’s ugly
      But she sure can cook, baby
      Yeah, alright

      If you wanna be happy
      For the rest of your life
      Never make a pretty woman your wife
      So for my personal point of view
      Get an ugly girl to marry you
      …etc..etc…etc..

      I ask you…what makes you any different that horrible narrator of this song? Because your nerds won’t cheat, look at other women (which they will anyway), or leave and the cook…er…i mean provide MONEY…How are you different?

      HK: 3) when a guy doesn’t believe he deserves you and you do little nice things for him, you rock his world.
      Me: I opt to skip this one because I cannot really answer it without getting personal .
      HK: 4) when a guy believes he’s attractive, his chances of cheating are monumentally higher.
      Me: LOGIC ERROR! POINT 1: Attractiveness is only a small component of fidelity, but not even in the way you are thinking. In fact, a man who questions his own attractiveness is more likely to cheat because he needs that validation that comes through cheating.
      More importantly, cheating is a function of many areas of emotional distress and insecurity, not simply attractiveness. I know hot guys who don’t cheat and “nerdy” guys who cheat constantly, or at least engage in fringe cheating (emotional, pornographic, etc.)
      POINT 2: Many women who are with the guy who thinks “I won’t even get any better than this” will end up cheating themselves or leaving because they don’t respect their boyfriend/husband because he is weak. And when you dehumanize them, like you have, you cannot effectively argue that you respect them either.

      • happykaleigh said, on March 29, 2010 at 11:30 pm

        *sigh* 1) You’re welcome. Your blog + interesting/intelligent + clever argument= Happy Kaleigh. (Forgive the pun.)

        2) Money is definitely shallow. I’m not going to argue that it makes people happy either, because money presents its own problems. But happiness isn’t even the question. It’s a question of investment. Here’s the thing. It’s not like I would know anyway. I’ve been poor my whole life, I’m poor now, and I’ll be lucky to be poor for only a few years after college given my big fat student loan. Money may suck and be shallow, but lack of money sucks worse. Obviously, not -all- nerds make money. That’s hardly what I was arguing. My point was that you can expect an intelligent man to make more money than an idiot. (Duh?) Not to mention, isn’t it supposed to be female instinct to gain safety? In today’s world money basically equals safety.

        3) People can be endlessly amazing and insecure at the same time. If it makes you feel better, then sure. I’m definitely insecure. But you’ve mislabeled it as personal insecurity. I don’t have any problems with myself, but I do have problems with the man world in general that you can hardly blame me for. (Or do if you want, I’ll take responsibility.) I’m virtually a born cynic because my father (a very attractive man, physically and otherwise…I mean that in the least creepy way possible,) left my mother (also very attractive, physically and otherwise,) for no good reason except that there were other women out there that would have him.

        4) Just because a woman decides to be with a man simply because he’s a nerd (we’ll exchange the word nerd for “intelligent”,) it doesn’t mean she doesn’t respect him. A relationship is an investment. It only makes sense to invest in something (or someone) with a high return in one way or another and one that isn’t going to fall through/up and leave. If a person is more intelligent or even of equal intelligence to myself, I’m always going to respect them regardless of how attractive they are. Provided they’re also nice. Oh, what was that? Nice. =)

        (Agreed, that whole schpeel sounded a lot conceited.)

  2. happykaleigh said, on March 29, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    + LOGIC ERROR! You can opt to skip that one all you want, but you can’t deny that all opinion is based on personal experience. Forgive me if my rebuttal was too personal, but it seems to me that regardless of whether you use hypothetical argument, your point remains deeply personal no matter what.

  3. theteacher174 said, on March 30, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    I agree that all opinion is based on personal experience, but, hopefully, such experience also includes some reflection, information, and learning. We learn that touching a hot plate can burn us. But, do we never touch that plate again or do we learn how to touch with using a barrier so as not to burn our hand?

    If I used past experience to guide my dating, I would never date again. LOL

    Money does equal some forms of safety, but, often times, does not secure emotional safety. That, as I’ve learned, is a lot harder to find.

    I don’t blame you for being a born cynic. That is a pretty difficult deal to grow up with. However, it is good that you recognize it because our tendencies, as adults, is to find the person that will most help us repair the broken relationships we saw growing up.

    It would be nice if every person we invested in was “high” return and low risk. Sadly, to be open to others is, by definition, high risk and we have no control over the “return”. Heck, what we though was low risk can become high risk for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with who we are.

    The pun was cute. A clever use of my fake math and your screen name.
    I am glad you like my blog. Your readership and continued participation is more than welcomed because argument and debate are both good for the soul.

  4. happykaleigh said, on March 31, 2010 at 3:16 am

    I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t fun participating. I’m always looking out for stimulating ideas. Challenging the opinions of others- even if you aren’t necessarily completely committed to the argument you’re making…yay, devil’s advocate!- is one of the best ways to learn. Hmmm. So here’s my conclusion:

    “If you’re goin to San Francisco,
    Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.”

    Why can’t we all just get along with peace and love and pot…and all that jazz?

    (Just kidding.)

  5. TurnJacson said, on June 3, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Okay I needed this… my particular situation is that I’m not an A-Hole, but I’m fairly confident… I can go in a room and hold my own, no worries… Only problem is once you add this girl I know (and like a lot) into the equation… I turn into Guy#2 and become way too nice!!

  6. […] with my theory (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret […]


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