Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Denial Island: Knight in Shining armor or Manipulative Prick? (AKA Point #2)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on March 18, 2010

Back in 2004, a friend of mine (The Friar of Puckington)1 sent me a link to a comic strip called Something Positive. It prompted a discussion and realization that was highly troubling…many of my friends were far bigger assholes than I.

But how could that be? (No really…HOW IS THIS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE?)  In my younger days, I’d been a womanizing (somewhat reformed), self-centered (somewhat reformed), self-important (somewhat less reformed), egotistical (not at all reformed) gigantic whale penis with a keen awareness of his own awesomeness (see…you ain’t got nothing on me Barney…I was here first). 2

The comic strip (http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp02142004.shtml )presented an interesting theory that, needing to learn something new that I could use to pretend I know what I’m talking about, I gave a lot of thought to. At the time,,, some of my friends were offering their friendships to women in hopes that, one day, their “friend” would realize that my friends were “the one.” “You are the guy I’ve always been looking for, and you have been right here all along,” are the words they longed to hear. (SIDENOTE: My own “Oh Shit!” moment about this was considering, later on, how that played a role in the absolutely horrible foundation that my marriage was built upon).3

At the very least, with your standard asshat, you have a pretty good idea of what you are getting yourself into. Sure, you may build a nice little hut on Denial Island4 and think you can “change” him. But the reality is right out in the open. No surprises.

This is where the “nice-guy” becomes asshole incognito. On the surface, he is the best kind of friend a girl can have. He offers you all of the benefits of the boyfriend without having to pay for it with the desired physical affections.  (This is of course because you are not attracted to his weakness, see previous blog.) He is reliable and always there for you just when you need him to be…but, there is a catch. None of this is offered honestly. Instead, it is offered in the attempt to “win” you over. He never wanted to be “just friends” and he almost certainly never will. And, eventually, you will marry him right? (HAHAHA…Yeah, we all know that is SOOOOO not happening)5

Case #1: So, I’m an asshole, but at least I tell you upfront that I’m going to fuck you over. You get hurt, but at least you know, on some level, I am capable of it. You never completely trust me anyway, which helps you heal during the post-mortem phase.

Case #2: He never shares his true intentions. You get very close. Then, one day, in a moment of desperation, he cannot withhold his feelings any longer. He loves you, always has, and now cannot be your friend anymore unless you reciprocate.6 This was supposed to be your friend and he is now breaking your heart. You trusted him and, from day one, he has been lying to you. Your ability to trust is decimated because even “friends” can’t be trusted anymore.

Question: Who is responsible for more emotional harm?

This scenario is repeated, over and over again.

Example: I was talking in the lunchroom with TH about this and she explained how much she hated those men when she was younger (Trust me, I feel sorry for these men ever getting on her bad side). The friendships she counted on for months or years were quickly destroyed by men who could no longer hold back their feelings.

In one instance, the guy gave her the ultimatum and a weekend(!!!!) to think about it…

TH: I don’t need a weekend. I don’t want to go out with you. I don’t like you that way.

Nice Guy DB7: Ok, but I still think you should think about it. We can talk about it on Sunday.

TH: My answer is not going to change.
NGDB: Just think about it.

(Sunday)

NGDB: So…

TH: Nope.

NGDB: OK…well it was nice being friends…(hangs up)

(five minutes pass)

NGDB: You know, I hate women like you. You have everything you could ever want in me. But, instead of being with me, you’d rather chase after guys who will cheat on you and hit you…

TH: OH, HELL NO! Who do you think you are? How do we go from “me not liking you” to “I like getting the crap beat out of me”? You think that because I don’t like you that I like to be abused…?

(Conversation disintegrated after that…which is fine because I’m still laughing at her response).

Wait, There’s More—Second Offenses: So, not only do NGDBs offer their friendship with ulterior motives, they also believe that they “know what’s best” for their friends. The NGDB thinks that because they have been such a positive influence in her life, that she would find true love and happiness if she would only give him a chance. He believes he knows what will make her happy.

Who has the right to say that about anyone? Whether you’ve known someone for two months or twenty years,  you have no right to tell someone that “you would make them happy.” That speaks of pure selfishness. You have no idea what their deep emotional needs really are. Besides, if you were their “definition” of happy, they would be with you in the first place.8

I was talking to NDF 9 about this very thing last evening. I am never going to assume that I would be a “good” match for any specific person because I am not them and cannot define their happiness for them. (This is not to say that I’m not right for someone…All I’m saying it is for them to define, not me).

People, in general, should put effort into those who want to put the same effort into them. The average NGDB does not recognize that their efforts don’t count. The woman does not WANT to put in the effort and you can’t make someone WANT to, regardless of how much you try.

I would tell all the NGDB’s out there to go seek someone who actually is interested in them, but I don’t have the right to tell anyone what will make them happy. Maybe they are content being a teacup pig (see, I told you I’d be back for you).

Footnotes:

  1. Way to not have a blog for me to link to FP. You are fired!
  2. Upon further reflection, everything I just said might be highly suspect.
  3. I’m not sure you could have built an outhouse on that foundation.
  4. I’m getting so much use out of this thanks to NDF’s belief she can beat me at dominos.
  5. While there are reported instances of this happening, it is very rare and usually ends up with a woman that does not respect her weak husband.
  6. I wish people would stop doing this right before someone’s wedding. Talk about fucked up.
  7. Nice Guy Douchebag
  8. For example, maybe they have deep seated daddy issues and seek men who have all those bad qualities to try and fix a broken parent-child relationship. Maybe that is what happiness is to them. Do you know for sure?
  9. Hi MiO
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  1. […] (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret that most women […]


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