Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Shifting the Collective Consciousness: Remove the Beck in Your Eye

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on March 25, 2010

(Disclaimer: Likewise, this post has nothing to do with Glenn Beck. In spite of my allusion to the Gospel, please do not associate Beck with the Bible…he’s more like the plank in thine own eye).

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

–Carl Jung

The modern notion of “fairy tale” as something that just happens is what oppresses our ability to reach the highest potential of love. Liberation comes in the form of understanding that love, at its core, is an action, generated by clear desire to bring happiness and joy to the life of said object of affection. (This is why I know Peanut Butter loves me very much…and the 55 Freeway despises my very existence).12

The emotion associated with “real” love comes from participating in the action of loving the other person. The more you seek to “love” them and make them happy, the stronger your love will be for them.  [Just when you thought math was gone: Increased Action = Increased Love Feeling]  The choice to love comes from a much deeper place than emotions. Relying simply on emotions for happiness is a lot like relying on a Toyota to stay under the speed limit.

I’m hardly the first person who has had this point of view. A good MFT will tell a couple “in trouble” to remember what they used to do for the other person, then just “do it”, even if they are faking it for the time being. 3 This is because, if they participate honestly, they will eventually discover the emotions that had missing. Sadly, most people who go to counseling don’t believe this is possible and don’t “really try.”4 Those people who do discover that they control the emotions associated with the love and the “love” they seek goes far beyond the fluctuation of passion and “romantic” feeling. In fact, they discover they can generate the passion and romantic feeling by choosing to do so.

You wouldn’t believe just how much argument I get on this and, to some degree, I do blame the “fairy tale” scenario. Many people use the fantasy notion to avoid being responsible for their decisions.5

I find it comical that they will defend this notion of “love” as automatic and accidental by citing the relationship between a child-parent, as being a natural love bond. It may seem natural, but there is ample evidence that some parents never choose to love their children.6 Why does it seem automatic to you? Because you decided long before they were even conceived that you were going to be a loving parent.

I believe love to be a choice, followed by action. Because I understand this about myself (I make no judgments on those who don’t see it because, if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready), it provides me a great deal of freedom in finding who I am looking for because, when the time is right, I can choose to love them with every ounce of love that is at my disposal. If the person has all the right qualities (which, if past history is any indication, is bona fide LOCO) , I can make a positive choice (This is based loosely on Habit #1 from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People…”Be Proactive”).

This also limits me because many women out there are still kissing frogs and eating poisoned apples. I am neither of those things.7 But, I am happy, overall, because I’m just not that into women who simply trust singing mice or seven random dwarfs (Have these women seen Law and Order: SVU?).

All the heartbreak I’ve seen and disappointment I’ve felt (sometimes in the first five minutes of a date) are worth it because, in the end, I sincerely believe I will get to experience something far more fulfilling.  In the meantime, I’ve just learned to enjoy the tempo of the dance and to learn from times when my lead is either too weak or too strong (and, if you’ve danced with me, you know both can be true at the same time!!!).

This is also why I don’t arbitrarily rule out friendships because, what if that friend becomes the right match (we all grow and change…well, we hope anyway) and comes to think that way about me? I would be foolish not to shift gears and give it my best effort, right?8

Change does not come easy for most and, when the collective unconsciousness is too busy shopping for books in the checkout stand at Ralphs, it is difficult to see the path to liberation (There is even rumor that the unconscious has moved on to reading Twilight, in which case, God help us all). Still, I think that the more people learn to define love as an action and take responsibility for it, the stronger, overall, relationships will become. The more people become participants in their own behavior, the more relationships will find their own rhythm.

Footnotes:

  1. Apparently it really hates MiO too.
  2. And the 5, 605, 91, 60, 10, 210, 405, 710, 110, 101 as well.
  3. For some reason, “Just Fake It!” did not catch on as a slogan.
  4. Opening up to your therapist that your husband is a good for nothing DB is not really “trying”.
  5. Just because you believe you are sleeping with Kaley Cuoco does not actually make it true.
  6. Since most of the women I’ve dated have “daddy” issues, it seems that I actually need this to be true to have a prospective relationship.
  7. The jury is still out on Giant Whale Penis
  8. Especially if I get lucky, she’s made it past four hours and no one has daddy issues.
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One Response

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  1. Joan said, on March 25, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    First, people becoming participants in their own behavior?! That is CRAZY talk. That would require thought, and effort, and no external locus of control. The collective unconscious IS reading Twilight, and going to “blood bars” (a client told me this the other day), and other miscellany activities that indicate too strong of a societal pull to do what is popular. Sigh. Hence, my “one at a time” philosophy. Reaching the masses is too difficult.

    “Faking It” is quite the psychological tool…though we call it “acting as if” if you’d like to attach the technical term. In fact, Sara Evans addressed this in her song:

    Cause I’m “acting as if”
    this blue sky’s never gonna rain down on me
    I’m telling myself
    This true love’s never gonna leave me lonely
    Unless there’s something I’ve missed I’m “acting as if”

    Now I do believe the premise of the song may’ve started out as her idea that love is a fairytale and it is, indeed, a really crappy relationship and her “acting as if” means ignoring all the signs. But the fact remains that sometimes “acting as if” can get you through to the next step. Basically, if you act it long enough, it may become true. Sometimes it just takes practice. Just like showing (acting) loving takes practice if you’re not used to it…though tremendously less if you’re “in the now” and connected to your own wants/desires…and connected to yourself in general for that matter.

    When it doesn’t work, however, that’s where the work comes in. You suggest this, as your whole point, that it’s the action that matters. So many couples I’ve seen use counseling as the last ditch effort when the issues started way before. Case in point, my last referral answered the question “are you involved in any divorce/child custody hearings?” Her answer was “I’m trying counseling first.” Clearly, she’s made her decision and her body language in my office speaks to her decision. Meanwhile, the poor guy sits puppy-dog-eyed in my office wanting to put his family back together.

    I’m anxious to hear your thoughts on how being “in the moment” negates a lot of the build-up of junk that leads to communication issues. Or (and?), your thoughts on common poor communication patterns, and suggestions for improving them. What can we do, Jock Dork, to help improve our communication now!? Teach us, please!


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