Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Particle Physics: Attraction, Kicking Ass and More Ways Women Rock

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on March 26, 2010

“Find something that you’re really interested in doing in your life. Pursue it, set goals and commit yourself to excellence. Do the best you can.”

— Chris Evert, tennis champion and winner of 18 Grand Slam titles

I’ve always loved quotes like this because they are filled with such fluffy inspiration lingo that we almost forget about the fact that it is, more often than not, a load of crap. Athletes are all too quick to offer these slogans because is masks how they really feel inside, the things they can’t tell their fans and admirers. If Chris Evert was being truthful, she’d simply say this, “I like…to kick ass!” (You don’t win 18 Grand Slam titles without the desire to reduce your opponent to a puddle of sweat and tears)

Now, why did I pick Evert and not any number of male sports icons for my point? It’s because she, and women like her, is my point. There is something incredibly hot about women who kick’s ass in sports and competition (I’ve noticed that I’ve become less erudite already just thinking about this topic).

[Women + Guy Brain = Increased motor function and decreased IQ, also called the drool and pant]

Now, when it comes to women who can not only hang with the boys, but also have an innate desire to kick ass against their less sophisticated, more Neanderthal opponents, that is a whole other league.

[Hotness Ability to Make Men Look Stupid at Sports = AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOGA!!!!!].1

After downing a few slices of spicy peanut butter pizza (Don’t care what you think, it’s AMAZING!!! Your opinion is WRONG!)2, NDF and I waged war in the game room at John’s Incredible Pizza. There were games where I came out on top, and others where she bested me. Each was a competitive match, although none as epic as the Air Hockey battle. It needed a third game to be decided! (In honoring the spirit of our competition, I will now make excuses for why she beat me; see footnotes3) Why is it amazing? There is this look of determination competitive women can get which is indescribable. It brings out the best in guys like me. I know I’m going to be tested, in this case with a smile…and I love it. (FYI: We go to war again tonight in a battle of wits, luck, and skill. Tonight, we play dominoes! And I know I better bring it!)

I need not go back any farther than Sunday night to give you an a few examples of how this works in athletic competition. For starters, I play on a “semi”-coed softball team. The coach of my men’s team (called RG) got tired of his coed team simply winning every game (they’ve lost once in five seasons). So, he invited me to play on a team with seven men and five women in the lowest, all-men’s league. I usually don’t play coed anymore (I’ve yet to replace my on-field partner), but jumped at this chance. This was a chance to go to battle as fire support for five women and “show up” groups of men. (I admit, there is a great amount of personal vanity in this because I do like to take on challenges that prove I’m just better than most people. [Hence this blog!]) So far, we are undefeated.4

RG’s wife (HG) plays on the team and is the cornerstone of female talent. Since I’ve seen her play, there is just something extra hot about her and I think RG is lucky to have married the same girl, twice (Long story). Last Sunday, the left fielder was playing in because…well because men just assume women can’t hit. She launched it over his head and raced around for a triple. The best part: there is an ‘OH SHIT’ look than an outfielder gets when he realizes that he was just burned by a woman. It’s a split-second look which I can’t adequately describe, but it’s awesome to see!

We also had a guest player for the evening who was filling in for a missing regular. I remember thinking to myself, “Hmm, she’s pretty cute.” Then I saw her turn a double play…Drool, Pant, Drool, Pant. Then she smacked a line drive in her first at bat…AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA!!!!!

Maybe it was all the women’s tennis I watched as an adolescent (well, it was only major tournaments…but boy, I loved watching these women in skirts grunt and destroy each other)5. Still, most guys, I think, have too fragile an ego and being defeated by a woman is demoralizing. I seem to be able to check my ego at the door (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! did I really say that out loud?6 I so know that isn’t true). Let me rephrase: I love to win and the sense of joy I get from giving it everything I’ve got and coming out on top. I really like that about myself. it’s no surprise that I find that same attribute so enticing in female form (Yes, you can say it…I apparently love myself. To that I say…hey, don’t you? Love me that is…) I suppose it’s safe to say that winners are attracted to winners (Is it any shock that Andre Agassi married Stephi Graff? I mean, why didn’t he marry the 100th-alternate on the Olympic Team?).

My own history is littered with women who were not only competitors, but winners as well. Ex-fiancé “A” was a natural at hitting a softball and, had we gotten married, we would have been playing together (She also didn’t like to lose). Ex-fiancé “B” was a successful high school swimmer and hated when I beat her at anything (In a playful way of course). JK loves sports, is a rabid USC fan and is going to have the title Dr. in her field of study. After my ex-wife and I split (I obviously am not a commitmentphobe), there were two 22-year-olds that I had major crushes on because I got to play ball with them all of the time and they kicked ass on the field (I knew the folly of the 22-year-old, which is why I never pursued. I mean, one even called herself “Dirty”…drool, pant, drool, pant).

And, of course, there is my ex-wife. Our love of the game and competition is some of the best of what we were. I admired her as a player and was absolutely turned on by her prowess with a glove and bat. Three of my fondest memories of our marriage involve softball:

  1. Her being the 10th ‘guy’ on my tournament softball team, getting a single in every game, and helping us WIN the tournament.
  2. The time I threw two runners out at third base. She was the third baseman. We got in the car after the game and she said, “Yeah. That was awesome. I LOVE THAT. I am so turned on right now!”
  3. Twice, a guy was intentionally walked in front of her with the game on the line (once it was playoffs). Both times I screamed out, “You make ‘em pay for that honey. You make ‘em pay. Shove it down their throats!” Both times, line-drive base hit into the outfield, GAME OVER! (I was probably the most excited person on the field at that moment)

It should come as no surprise that NDF has those same qualities (Her desire to win goes far beyond Skee Ball and trivia). She was telling me about her workout with free weights the other day. In she walked and guys must have been thinking to themselves, “Wow, she’s cute. How sweet of her to come over and lift 5s and 10s.” Then she loaded the bar for squats and presses. She said you could see the STUNNED look on their faces. Sadly, many men were probably intimidated by this (Men often run away from strong, intelligent women). Guys like me, however, Drool…Pant…Drool…Pant. (It must be said, this does not apply for vein-popping women who have bigger pecs than I do. That is a lotta bit much).7

When I pointed that she liked to kick ass against men, she started to protest, claiming that she was competing against herself and trying to better her own performance. Ahhh…attempts at humility are so cute…and also are pure nonsense. As she smacked another golf ball, I called her on it. “Oh, come on! When you are running and you see a guy that you can beat, you go after him.” Busted! Yup, she even had a great story about a guy at the Mud Run who she battled back and forth with. AAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAA!!!!

I suppose this sets me apart from other guys and it’s a shame because this kind of women just absolutely rocks in so many ways.. But, I guess I just saw more than most at an early age. Chris Evert was out there on the court and I was a horny, pre-pubescent boy watching in fascination (Incidentally, at one point, Evert married Greg Norman, also a winner8). Then came along Mary Lou Retton, Steffi Graff, Monica Seles, Jennifer Capriatti, Katerina Witt, Oksana Biul…the list goes on and on. (I can only imagine how much women’s golf I would have watched as a kid if they all looked like they do now [click here]. AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAA!)

Now, I have a dominoes match to attend to. NDF will bring it, and I won’t expect any less. Drool…Pant…Drool…Pant.

Footnotes:

  1. AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAA is as much a mathematical number as I
  2. You are still wrong!
  3. I had baseball practice/My shoelace was untied/I was blinded by the flashing lights/There was something in my eye/I was only using one hand (Verbal irony!)
  4. A couple of season ago, our men’s team played with wood bats against everyone else’s scientifically created and altered bats. We did it because we could. We went undefeated.
  5. Call me what you want, but I was thinking OMG, she’s hot and not, OMG, that skirt is so cute with those shoes.
  6. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAH!!! This statement just requires more laughter.
  7. And not your Martina Navratilova types either. I respected her ability and all, but manly is not attractive.
  8. Although, Evert was all he ever won in America. Dude was a choke artist when he left Europe to play.
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