Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Premajure Ejunkulation (Bar Girls and Crazy Trains): You want me to stick it where?!?!

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating, WTF? by Wingnut on April 28, 2010

There is a great deal of irony in the way men and women prematurely ejunkulate1. As mentioned earlier in “Exposing Your Junk”, men seem to think that women like to see pictures of their junk via text messages a mere four hours after meeting. This is largely based on the following flawed logic: I am a visual person and I like naked women/Therefore women must want to see naked me [Note: A successful logic argument needs at least THREE parts to be plausible…men tend to skip a step]2.

Interestingly enough, men would welcome this kind of ejunkulation from women they just met [In fact, they are secretly hoping you will send them]3. Men are quick to gloss over the fact that this type of behavior is equally crazy. This is because men are thinking, “Hey, I have a new naked picture on my phone.” Still, women you just met aren’t usually in the habit of sending them.  Instead, women tend to expose their crazy with their words…much to the dismay of the horny guy involved.

Now, to be clear, this crazy is often not sexual [Unless there is a copious amount of alcohol involved]. It is often a phrase or set of phrases that can be subtle if you aren’t paying attention. Other times, it is something else entirely.

In my life, it usually comes in the form of the following phrase: “Have I told you that I love kids?” [This has happened multiple times and never gets less creepy] Keep in mind, this always occurs at a time where whether you like or dislike kids is not up for discussion. For example, I ran into an acquaintance at McHub [local coffeehouse] who needed a ride home. She had just been released from jail on a drug charge. Appreciating my kindness, she asks when we can go on a date [NEVER!] and then, “Oh, by the way. I absolutely love kids” [Good for you, because you aren’t getting within city limits of mine].

If you are a single guy without kids, the woman who says this is looking to breed…soon! You should run very fast. If you have kids, she’s looking hang out with them [because four hours is the appropriate waiting time right?], or breed.  You should run very fast. Don’t wait for it not to be awkward, it already is…so RUN.

On those rare occasions where it does involve something sexual, it usually is on a whole different level of weird [and requires, as mentioned before, copious amounts of alcohol]. One of my friends had an amusing experience with this the other night when a girl he had been talking to for about 40 minutes offered him four dollars to whip out his junk in public.4

The worst case I have every encountered myself is forever known as Bar Girl Incident. We met on a Tuesday night at the Country/Karaoke bar that I sometimes make an appearance at [I’m there every freakin’ week people!]. She was sober and seemed interesting. She told me to come back the following week and she would pay for all of my drinks [Who would pass that up…ever…especially since I was going to be there anyway!!!]

This is how the following week went down–

Bar Girl: I’m so glaaaaaad you coulds make it [She was clearly wasted…it was barely 9 p.m….on a Tuesday.]

JD: Thanks. I had to alter a few things, but I was able to work it out.5

BG: You can ushe my tab to get your drinks. I’ll be out here. [stumble]

I grab a beer and head out to the karaoke patio. She sees me and comes over. Her breath is peeling the paint off of the walls.

BG: So how wazsh your week.

JD: Good, just been busy at work [T-Minus 4 minutes and counting. I won’t type the whole drunken conversation, just the fun part. We fast forward a mere four minutes]

BG [Leaning in close and motioning my ear down]: You knoooow what I wanna do to you right now.

JD: What? [I’m thinking dance, kiss me, or kick me are all viable options. I for a moment consider that this is going in the gutter, but am no way prepared for what she says next]

BG: I go to my truck and swallow your cock.

JD: ??????

BG: And then ride you long and hard until I cum.

JD: ????????????????????

BG: HIC!…and then turn over and have you fuck me my tight ass so hard it makes me scream!

JD: ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

BG: And then you pull out and cum all over my back…

No matter what you may think about this being an “opportunity”, keep in mind, I had only known this girl for a couple of hours. Opportunity or not does not change the fact that it is certified, grade-A Crazy Train and another easy way to gain a stalker.6

JD: Is that your friend over there?

BG: SUUUURE. Hey R, come over here and say hi to JD.

JD [mouthing the words to her friend]: Help me!

R: Hey sweetie, why don’t we go sit down over there.

BG: But I’m going to let my new guy here cum all over m…

R: How much have you had to drink?

BG: Umm….ummm…Not that many…ummm…ummm..I need to go to the bathroom.

It is at this point that she vanishes for the next half hour to puke in the restroom, where she also, conveniently, forgets the whole episode. A few weeks later, she explained that she was drunk and didn’t “remember” anything she said and can’t even imagine saying that [This is a girl who would later flashed her boobs during karaoke [almost weekly], tried to coax me to her car on multiple occasions, and randomly grabbed my junk.]7

 What is truly sad is that I don’t think she’s an awful person, per say, but her inability to maintain sanity [or sobriety] for extended periods of time is alarming. At least, in this case, there was some warning. Earlier in the week, she’d sent me a message on Facebook that said the following: “I love reading your writing. It shows how passionate you are. Also, did I mention I LOVE KIDS!”

IRONY ALERT: If you did not read the subtext and wondering, “Hey buddy, you promised irony!” consider the following. Men want women to send naked pictures right away, yet it’s men who are the ones actually sending naked pictures of themselves.


  1. New language alert! Ejunkulate (verb): 1. to send a naked picture of yourself to another person; 2. To expose your crazy in a rapid, violent manner. Premature ejunkulation (noun): The act of sending picures of your junk to a person you barely know.
  2. Revision: I am a visual person and I like naked women/I would like to see her naked/Therefore, she wants to see naked me. Analysis: It has the required three parts, but is a clear example of the Testosterone Fallacy (aka Argumentum ad testosteronum).
  3. Ahem! My inbox is still empty!
  4. According to him, he didn’t do it, but I cannot verify that statement.
  5. Complete bullshit. One of many ways you can make it look like you went out of your way to do something I was going to do anyway [Come on…you’ve all done it]
  6. As much as you don’t want to believe it guys, the vast majority of these women DON’T just up and go away before sunrise. They are crazy for a reason
  7. It needs repeating, this kind of girl is so broken, if you do break down and just “hit it” one time and try and walk away, you will find you have picked up some extra junk [Open for interpretation]

2 Responses

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  1. […] I’ve retitled the this blog to coincide with the one that follows. I think it’s high time that we had a word for this phenomenon. Thus, I present to you […]

  2. Zakir Ali Rajnish said, on April 29, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Nice Blog. Congrats.
    Blogging in AMU.
    Last Caveman of World.

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