Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Colossal Acts of Denial: Why Are You Always Shouting?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on May 26, 2010

[FYI, reader participation for part 2 is encouraged. See not at the bottom for details]

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far 1

–Theodore Roosevelt

Most of us have seen that ridiculous commercial “Declaration”, the one with the couple in random location in Europe. It’s the one where the guy starts screaming out “I LOVE THIS WOMAN!” He then, of course, follows this up with jewelry. [Ladies, just because he went to Jared doesn’t mean a thing. I mean, look at Kobe Bryant23]

If I could ask that guy one question, it would be this: Why the hell are you shouting? Who are you trying to convince? [To the Europeans in the commercial, his shouting is the equivalent of “burning rubber’ in your muscle car…both signs of a small penis].

(more…)

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Update: Women Kicking Ass…

Posted in Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on May 24, 2010

So, for those of you who read this before, here is an update: We beat that team of trash-talkers again last night and won the league championship. The victory was largely the result of all five women contributing with at least 2 hits each in the game.

Feel free to check out this blog again to be reminded about how much women can ROCK!:

https://cluexfour.wordpress.com/2010/03/26/particle-physics-attraction-kicking-ass-and-more-ways-women-rock/

Counterpoint: Unfollow Friday Questions Remain

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on May 20, 2010

(Disclaimer: All comments need to be civil. They may be edited at ClueXfour’s discresion if there are any that are about people, not ideas)

I had to laugh as I saw the trending hashtag Tuesday, considering the blog drama that occurred on May 14. Now, it is probably pure coincidence, especially since the tag is horribly misspelled. Probably…and, since tomorrow is another #FF, this issue will likely continue to fester.

First, let it be said that I’m all for a positive blogging community, though, initially, I had to learn how to walk the line when I wanted to challenge someone’s opinions. It is a very fine line, let me tell you, and I crossed it more than once. I sincerely hope the community never disintegrates into the nonsense you can see in the comments section of almost any CNN.com story.

However, I question the moral high ground that the boycotting bloggers are standing on. Now, I’m not saying that people don’t have a right to choose who they associate with. By all means, you are allowed to pick who your friends are and aren’t. But, to make the statement that we will not promote any blogger who engages in negative statements or personal attacks opens our own ethics up to a slippery slope.

Opening question: How can we take a moral stand against this sort of blogging when, in our own blogs, we attack, ridicule, and make fun of people ourselves?

 Yes, we keep them anonymous by giving them silly initials or nicknames. But, our behavior is not far removed from that which we claimed to abhor in others. Do we not use their words and actions in ways that are, at their best, impolite?

I’ll go a step further. Our blogging behaviors are, at times, suspect because we rarely invite the subjects of our blogs to come defend themselves or explain their side of the story. We don’t invite them to expound upon our crazy or idiosyncrasies to others in our circle of influence. Nor do we inform them that private conversations [text, phone, or e-mails] will become exposed to analysis, criticism, public debate, and ridicule. We don’t tell them that making fun of them is our entertainment.

Make no mistake, I am OK with what we all write about. Not only is it entertaining, it’s therapeutic for the author and the reader in the shared experience. I believe that through inquiry into someone else’s flaws, we come closer to identifying our own. The shared experience is the most important thing about what we write about. That is what creates our sense of community.

Thus, I cannot, in good conscience, stand on higher ground knowing what I write, and will continue to write, about. To me, this seems hypocritical.

How This Situation Equates to RL:

 I can stop being friends with the perpetrator [not that I was before].  I do not feel, however, that it is right for me to tell someone else to terminate a friendship with another person. I wouldn’t do that in real life, why would I do it online? Someone else is allowed to make their own judgment as to who they want to be friends with.

I’ve heard it said by some that they don’t want to even “see” this person’s name in their Twitter stream. Again, how realistic would that be for a real life? I’m a regular at a country bar near where I live in Orange County. There are real life people who are just as hurtful as the blogger in question, often worse. It is safe to say, I don’t like them.

Do I like seeing them? Not particularly. However, I know that by being a member of the OC country scene, I have to accept that they will be there and I have to be OK with it. What is the alternative…try to get them thrown out? At least I don’t have to talk to them or listen to what they are talking about. The same can be said about someone else’s blog. Sure, you see the link in a RT, but you don’t have to click on it.

Back to the bar and my friends who still associate with those people. I don’t stop being friends with them. Sure, I may avoid talking to them when they are around the object of my dislike, but that does not prevent me from ever talking to them at all. I just talk to them when that person is not around, or I wait to talk to them at other venues.

Options:

It’s a part of blogosphere, just as it is a part of real life. The only option you do have at the bar is to leave. The Twitter equivalent would be to stop tweeting and reading tweets for a while.

There is one other option, however. You can embrace the hypocrisy of our blogs loudly and proudly. I’m totally down with that.

Hi, my name is JD…and I am a sometimes hypocrite and oft times giant whale penis.

Thanks for stopping by.

Postscript: Extra concern

 It also alarms me because what limits have we established amongst ourselves behavior we will turn our backs on. This all started because of verbal assaults online. Does it stop there? What if one of the bloggers engages in behavior that hurts another blogger offsite? The victim has been traumatized and is devastated. It didn’t happen in the blogosphere, but is far more egregious than anything that has happened online. Then what? In some of our own blogs, some of us even admit to similar behaviors. So, by unfollowing, are we being consistent or is it just more hypocrisy.

Preventing Disaster: Honest Evaluation is Essential to Prevent Starting an Ill-Fated LDR

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 18, 2010

The connection seems a little fuzzy on my end

“Why do all these quotes sound like a bad greeting card [ www.lovingfromadistance.com/quotes.html] ?”  –Me, 5/18/10

Recently, I had an opportunity to rekindle a relationship with an ex with whom I had some strong ties a little over five years ago. She contacted me via Facebook and we started talking extensively. It was like old times, new times, good times, and great times.

But, the thing was, she was not coming back this way anytime soon, if ever. Her current job was almost 1000 miles away and future job prospects reached out over 3000 miles.  We talked about the possibility of a LDR and exactly what that might look like.

To make an LDR successful, both parties have to be active participants. A great deal of effort is required to keep both people’s emotional needs taken care of, especially when other needs are lacking. There are even complete guides on how to make one work at wiki-how and askmen.com, to name a few.

So, those of you who are aware of my continued singleness might wonder, “what happened?” and might be expecting to read a blog about her going “crazy train” on me. The truth is, I came to the realization of one simple fact that makes an LDR unsustainable for me:

I’m far too selfish to participate in an LDR. [I know the whole “It’s not you, It’s me” conversation is usually bullshit. But, yeah, it’s me]1

Here are some tips for being in an LDR that, frankly, I just don’t see myself ever being truly into [taken from the two websites linked above]:

Do Things Together and Go On Dates: Watch TV shows together, or movies simultaneously.

  • OK, I’ve done this in local relationships via text message and, frankly, I found it annoying then. Sure, if there is something really funny or amazing, I might send out a text to someone saying “Did you see that?” However, replicating the in-person experience is just downright cumbersome and, frankly, annoying. Can you imagine being on a phone during a movie? [I’ve seen this]
  • Besides, there are just some experiences I can’t share…like live comedy or live theatre. Can you imagine texting during Wicked [I’ve seen people doing this too. They were also wearing flip-flops and shorts]

Schedule communication:

  • I have enough trouble scheduling communication with someone who is local. I’ve usually got a lot going on and am easily distracted.
  • OK, that sounds like an excuse and it would be, if I wasn’t acknowledging the following fact: I choose to have a lot going on and am happy with most of those choices. I generally enjoy my travels and activities.
  • I’m good at touching bases via text/e-mail. However, for most people, this is not extensive contact, nor relationship nurturing communication [These days, I’d rather blog than write a long e-mail to someone. Good grief, what does that say about me].

Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart:

  • This works when you are talking about reading a book or listening to music. But, it kinda defeats the purpose of me when I can’t be in the physical presence of the person I seek to share these interests with.
  • I want to see facial expressions and other body language. It’s just not the same experience and, frankly, though my imagination is a powerful thing, it’s not even close to the same [If your common interests include frequent sex…good luck with that].

Learn Discipline and Delayed Gratification3:

  • I’m far to impulsive. Delayed gratification is so not me.
  • Yes, in other areas of my life, I’ve learned a little self-control and discipline [for five, maybe ten whole minutes]. I’ve learned patience, for example, when it comes to reasonably sized purchases [for five, maybe ten whole days].
  • In my professional life, I work very hard to gain long term results. Still, I like to see immediate progress.
  • But, yeah, I’m impulsive and spontaneous.

These are just a few of the ideas for having an LDR. I know I do not speak for everyone. So, if any of my readers or tweeters gets any notions about an LDR, you might want to check out sites like: http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/

Yeah, I looked. I so don’t want to read that either. But, like I said, I’m just not cut out for this gig. Maybe you aren’t either.

I'm almost assistant manager of plumbing fixtures.

Footnotes:

  1. I suppose one could make an argument that I just wasn’t that into her. Well, technically, that would be correct. But, at a distance of 1000 miles, I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever been with I would be “that into”. Though, I suppose it’s theoretically possible.2
  2. And I could theoretically cure cancer too.
  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There is such a thing? Come on…you guys don’t have this skill either.4
  4. No really. If our society was founded on delayed gratification, we wouldn’t by $500,000 homes because we got a raise at the Piggly Wiggly.

Protected: Tales of Douchebaggery: No, You Can’t Have a Cheeseburger!

Posted in Not Jersey Shore: New Adventures of Guido and Cynthia by Wingnut on May 14, 2010

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Update: Creating Language: Ejunkulate

Posted in Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on May 14, 2010

I’ve added ejunkulate as an official entry in the Urban Dictionary [Though, that’s kind of like having sex with Madonna…everyone has done it too]. But, I’m the only one to use the term, so it’s mine!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Ejunkulation

Missed Connections: And You Call Lloyd Dobler a Stalker?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 13, 2010

“I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere? ”  — Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

If you’ve ever seen it, you will never forget the image of Lloyd Dobler outside Diane Court’s room, boom box aloft, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes…” in the air. How can any of us who grew up on a steady diet of 80s teen angst-romance movies ever forget it? Was there ever a more romantic gesture [Yes, I thought about doing this at least one time…but, so did you].123

How did he  get her in the first place? He picked up a telephone and introduced himself. The key here is actual human conversation, followed by a direct request to meet, followed by action, followed by a request to go on a date. It’s a pretty simple mathematical formula that produces results.4 However, results are not always positive, which is why many people observe from a far, hide in the shadows, and fantasize about their own version of Diane Court. It is easier to believe in the “possibility” of someone than to actual do something to get them.

Some, thanks to a good helping of passive-aggressive in their psyche, will even find their ways onto the back pages of the OC Weekly or a website called “Missed Connections”, where they can “reach out” to that person they just can’t stop thinking about [Though, calling it screaming out seems more appropriate].

Example 1 [plus commentary]:

You: very pretty girl with dark hair who seems like a serious runner, which I admire [sure you do]. So few people seriously work out at the gym-but you were… Booking! [What lazy ass gym does he hang out at?]

Me: ran next to you, blonde guy, also booking. [Dude, it’s the treadmill]

Did I mention you were gorgeous?  Hopefully it’s not too late for you to actually hear it [WTF?]. Guess there’s a chance I’ll run into you–or by you, again there [Dude, it’s the TREADMILL…you don’t run by anyone]!

Analysis: Now, I had hoped he was talking about running on a track, with would have at least given him some credibility. But then I realized it had to be the treadmill because he was running “next to her.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong here, but a strange guy running next to you on the track for a prolonged period of time, not saying anything, has got to be a little bit creepy. More importantly, most ladies don’t go to the gym to meet guys anyway [As much as we like to look at them, they don’t actually want to talk to us. The gym, for a woman, is business5]. (more…)

Protected: OC Shore: Douchebags are Great Sources of Verbal Irony

Posted in Not Jersey Shore: New Adventures of Guido and Cynthia by Wingnut on May 10, 2010

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Junk Ink: “Wanna Suck My Hello Kitty?”

Posted in WTF? by Wingnut on May 5, 2010

I was talking to Hot Topic at the bar last night [HT very attractive young Ginger-American, see Darren Carter for another example of GA] as she was avoiding following her friend onto the karaoke patio. [Yes, the cowboy bar I go to has karaoke on Tuesdays and if you think rednecks can’t sing, you should hear wanna be rednecks!] No, it wasn’t the bad singing that was keeping her inside near the bar, nor the company of yours truly. She was trying to avoid being noticed by an apparent “ejunkulator” known as The Creeper. [In the top10 of nicknames you don’t want to have]

As she pointed him out [alarmingly he was talking to some of my other friends], she explained that she had met him at another karaoke venue that she frequents. After weeks of casual small talk [you know, the kind you use to feel out that girl/guy you are interested when you frequent a social environment]. Well, he had finally gotten comfortable enough to take the next steps. Turns out his next steps were a disastrous ejunkulation, the kind of epic fail you only read about.1

FAIL #1 – The Creeper figured now would be a good time to buy her drinks. This, by itself, wasn’t a fail. Add a repeated request to make out [Let me guess…hmmm…karaoke bar…he’d been drinking? DING! DING! DING!]2. According to HT, this went on for the duration of the evening, with Creeper reminding her that he bought her drinks so she should make out with him. [This qualifies as another common, poor logic argument that guys try to use to seduce women…unsuccessfully].3

I think, from the look on HT’s face, this would have been enough to earn him the name Creeper. I was about to get an education in a whole new form of ejunkulation that I never even considered existed [And, the parts of me on Denial Island swear that none of this ever happened].

Depending on where it's located, it could be worse!

FAIL #2—The conversation goes something like what follows:

Creeper: So, I was thinking of getting a tattoo. Do you think I should get a tattoo?

HT [Clearly disinterested]: Um…sure.

Creeper: Don’t you want to know where I’m going to get it?

HT [?!?!?!?]: Um…

Creeper: I’m going to get my penis tattooed!

HT [?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!] Um…[wishing she could simply run fast and far] WTF?

Creeper: Yeah, I’ve always wanted…..

HT [?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!] Oh, I think it’s my turn to sing!

Creeper: But you aren’t even in the rotation…

HT: I’m doing a duet with that girl over there [pointing in the first direction she can think of]. I’ve got to go.

Creeper [as she moves away]: I’ll show it to you whe…[she can no longer hear him because she is almost sprinting now]

Analysis: Before we have a very frank discussion on how WRONG this is, it must be said that he is not the only one who has this ridiculous notion of getting junk ink. In fact, when you type in the search terms: Penis tattoo yahoo answers, you get 250,000 hits!  Have some men truly lost their minds? 4

I need to emphasize the point, in case there are those of you readers out there who didn’t get the memo: If you get a tattoo on your penis, fewer women will choose to sleep with you. In fact, I think fewer gay men will be interested in you as well. There is NOTHING COOL about inking your junk.

In case you missed it:

MEMORANDUM
RE: Junk Ink
WOMEN DON’T WANT YOUR JUNK TO HAVE INK
End memo.

Another example of this utter insanity–

From Yahoo Answers: “Okay I’ve seen this asked before, but this is a different design. So seriously, I am considering of all things getting a Hello Kitty tattoo on the head of my penis. My girl friend is crazy about the idea. I’m not too worried about the pain. This post won’t make my decision, but what would you think finding Hello Kitty on the head of a penis?”

HELLO KITTY? HELLO KITTY!!!!!!!!!!

I’m willing to bet that most women who unzipped a guys fly and found Hello Kitty would fall over in uncontrollable laughter, say simply “No. No. I so can’t do this”, and quickly bolt from the room. [Maybe the worst pickup line ever: “Hey baby, wanna suck my Hello Kitty?”]5

Still not cool!

MEMORANDUM
RE: Hello Kitty Junk
REALLY? HELLO FREAKIN’ KITTY? YEAH, YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID EVER AGAIN!
End memo.

Honestly, no woman is every worth doing that for…EVER. [If you are a woman out there and you think you are worth it…please walk the other way, I honestly don’t want to meet you] 6

I’m willing to bet that Yahoo Answer boy’s girlfriend is not crazy about the idea from a “it will turn me on” standpoint. If she is pushing the idea, it’s because it will brand him forever. He will never again be able to sleep with a woman without explaining “her”. Who knew it would actually be better if she simply asked you to tattoo her name on her shoulder? In fact, if you are willing to go this far for a woman, just let her pee on you to mark her territory. It’s less expensive and much faster. [junk ink is like a hickey, multiplied by 10549213924293123].

Addendum: Yea, so in talking this over in the lunch room, Mrs. Scarface [because of Al Pacino related stuff] mentioned she met a skirt-wearing guy [not kilt] who had a chain attached to his cock and balls via rings in both. That might be bad by itself, but, it had a BELL?!??!?!? Yes, his junk jingled as he walked.

MEMORANDUM
RE: Jingle Cock
I…JUST…DON’T…KNOW….
End blog

Footnotes:

  1. I do sincerely apologize for any of you this has actually happened to. No person should ever have to go through this.
  2. “Wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out,” has never been much of a pickup line.
  3. [I am drunk and purchased the drinks/I want to make out with her/Therefore, she should make out with me]
  4. This is clearly evidence of the affirmative.
  5. My colleague TH confirmed it because when she read this and said it out loud, she was crying because she was laughing so hard.
  6. OK, if you are hot. I’ll still meet you, but only to sleep with you. After that, take your hello kitty and get the hell out.

Uh Oh, The Teacher Writes Poetry Too?

Posted in Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on May 4, 2010

So, this is a brief section about my artistic side. I like to write poetry. I know what you are thinking. No, I don’t write about shimmering vampires or say lines like, “The Darnkess of the Void that is my Endless Sadness”. Instead, I favor actual usage of figurative language and a wide-array of other poetic techniques.

I welcome critiques as long as they are honest and constructive in nature. I am all about rewriting, so don’t be afraid. I might even listen to a critique or two.

http://poeticcluexfour.wordpress.com/ 

What it won’t be is the normal stuff found on the internet:

*

*

*

Chromium

Bus driver through the window

Things go boom…This blow!

Dead body my knew friend,

Hiding 400 up rear end.

Crack, crack, crack, Steve start running

Crazy cops, they start gunning.

Away, away, galaxy far away,

Rage against the dying of the light.

_________________________________

Yeah. That kind of stuff sucks. I don’t suck.

Thanks,

TheTeacher

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