Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

EX Happens: On Getting Italian Jobbed…


“If there’s one thing I know, it’s never to mess with mother nature, mother in-laws and, mother freaking Ukrainians.” Skinny Pete, from The Italian Job

As The Engagement Project moves forward [assuming that’s what happens] in her relationship after a short break, I got to thinking about a situation earlier this year where I was preparing to move forward on a relationship of my own with someone I had been seeing for about six weeks or so. She was a 41-year-old Italian single-mom who had a successful career, was intelligent and was a great deal of fun to be around. I liked her a lot and, when she brought up wanting to take the next step in our relationship, I was looking forward to getting together to have that conversation [Why is it that some people insist on handling relationship changing conversations via text?]. Little did I know I was about to get Italian Jobbed!1

The jobbing took place in and around Valentine’s Day weekend. [VDay + Love Interest JD with no babysitter + Local Meat Market + Large Amounts of Alcohol + Ex-Boyfriend = Bad decisions]

A few words about her ex:

  • Now, normally, I wouldn’t be horribly shocked by an ex-boyfriend re-entering the picture at a moment of weakness [aka Valentine’s Day2]. However, in the vast majority of cases where ”EX Happens3”, it involves an ex who broke the woman’s heart. It is really bizarre when it comes with an ex that a woman has been utterly “done” with for six months and is, even hours before the incident occurs, turned off by his overbearing insecurities and patheticness.
  • He’s in his late 20s, which means A. he is by definition immature and insecure; B. she’s a freakin’ cougar in a past life.
  • She broke up with him because he was always accusing her of stuff on business trips and she got tired of the insecurity and immaturity [This is not shocking when dating a guy 14 years younger than you]. He forced the break up when he GRILLED her friends about her behavior, in public, and made a general public spectacle of himself. She didn’t want to break up with him in public, but he almost gave her no choice. [Nothing good ever follows the phrase, “Do you really want to do this NOW?”]
  • She had tried to be friends with him, but told him they couldn’t even do that because he wouldn’t stop trying to get her back. Thus, she was done communicating with him [This was obviously not entirely accurate].

Apparently, all it takes is large amounts of alcohol to erase all of that. [Judgment – Alcohol < 0]

DISCLAIMER: While I was disappointed at the time, and a little hurt, I also recognize that, ultimately, I didn’t have to fall on that grenade and am better off for it.

Feb. 12 [Running commentary is in brackets and italics]

Let us start with that Friday morning. We had gone out the night before and I had stayed the night. On my way to work, the following text message exchange occurred:

JD: Thank you for another wonderful evening and night. I truly enjoy myself with you.

IJ [Italian Jobbed]: I was just laying here in bed thinking the same about you. I was also thinking about you and I and wonder where this is going? Are we just going to date or are we going to move to relationship status at some point in the near future? We’ve been seeing each other for a while now & I guess I just need some clarification on what you want to happen with us. I am cool with right now, but ultimately, would like more. Not trying to pressure you, just wanted you to be aware.4

JD: I have to work, but we will talk about this later and the response will be positive. J [Again, this is not a conversation to get into via text. This did foreshadow that she likes to have big conversations with her fingertips instead of actual confrontation]

We talked on and off throughout the day and her last text for the night was:

IJ: Good night sexy. Wish you were here in my bed.

Feb. 13

Now, as much as I wanted to go out with her that night, I had some father-daughter stuff going on and my babysitters were being uncooperative. While she was disappointed, she understood. She added:

IJ: I haven’t made any plans yet. My friends are going to Monty’s, as usual, but not sure if I will go. I don’t really feel like being watched by my ex tonight.

IJ: [Sexual content of next few texts deleted] You sure you can’t come out and play?

She ended up going to Montana’s anyway that night.  At some point, she text me about how beer is making the evening more tolerable [Her friends X Their Bar Drama = IJ needs lots of booze]

Interestingly enough, I didn’t get a good night text that night. However, it would have been 2 A.M. when she got home from the bar, so I didn’t think much of it [Notice, not insecure and crazy about where she is and what she’s doing. JD = Anti-Ex BF]

Feb. 14

We talk all day long. We are supposed to hang out that night, but I cannot get babysitting until after 8:30 and, by then, she has developed a headache and we decide to postpone until the next night. Nothing in our conversations indicated that the following will occur Monday afternoon. [I suppose, it might not have been an actual headache. I will never know]

Feb. 15

JD: How was the rest of your day?

IJ: Very busy. Lots going on at work and home. Need to rain check on tonight. I am meeting with my ex after bowling. Long story, but we may try to work things out. [RAIN CHECK? WTF?!?! That is so NOT a rain check!]

JD: I see. Well, that would be more than a rain check. Just to keep it from being awkward, I’ll remove myself from the Stateline trip. [I was supposed to go to a concert at Stateline with her the following weekend]

IJ: K. Like I said, we’re talking about it. Not definite, but thanks. [So, your saying I’m supposed to wait and see if we are still going to Stateline together? WTF?!?!? You can’t just take a rain check!]

JD: I understand that. However, consider the message that sends. Imagine if I responded to your Friday text is a similar fashion? [Though, she started that conversation with an inappropriate “Where is this going” text] I’m sorry, but it leaves me feeling like I was the backup plan all along. Furthermore, I’m valuable enough for a phone call about something like this. Texting this information is inconsiderate and disrespectful. [It amazes me that I even have to explain this to someone.]5

IJ: You’re right. I should’ve called and I apologize for that. It wasn’t some plan and you were never a backup [Until ALCOHOOOOL!] . I really do have strong feelings for you [Really?!?!] and I never planned on even considering he and I trying to work out, but some things happened over the past two days [SEX and ALCOHOOOOL!] and I feel like we need to resolve…

JD: Let me guess. Montana’s?

IJ: Some things before I move forward with him or anyone else. I’m sorry if you feel I disrespected you . That was never my intent. [Notice, sorry if “I Feel” disrespected.]

JD: Well, after everything you said about him, I’m a little more than stunned. Understand, I can’t wait around.

IJ: Like I said, I never even considered this but after much serious discussion [and ALCOHOOOOL!], I feel like I want to continue the discussion and see where it goes. I do not expect you to understand, nor do I expect you to wait around. [Well, at least that’s nice of her]

JD: It is your life and you have to do what is best for you. I just hope it works out in a way where you end up truly happy. I really liked you and I am more than a little disappointed by all this.

IJ: I know it is totally unexpected for me and really did decide late this afternoon [Was there ALCOHOOOOL!?]. It’s probably not what you think, not some Montana’s hook up. [Which means, “Yes, It was a Montana’s hook up. I just can’t admit it to anyone”] There were some other things that transpired and caught me by surprise [See, “other things”. If I say it enough, it makes it true!] Anyhow, I figured I should resolve it now before you and I went any further. It’s not the outcome I thought would happen. I could have not said anything, since we were never exclusive. But, I wanted to be honest with you and hope we can remain on good terms. [Oh, so you DO want me to wait around and leave the option of coming back to me open…I think not.]

JD: You don’t have to explain it to me. You are right, we weren’t exclusive, which is good I guess, because, when it comes down to it, it’s like I always say, if you really wanted me, this wouldn’t have happened and you would have moved forward with me like you said on Friday. [The He/She’s Not That Into You Law of Thermodynamics and Sexuality]7

IJ: I hope we can be cool. I don’t want to know your opinion. I have a pretty good idea of what it is. I know there are plenty of issues and like I said we are going to discuss and see if it’s worth trying again. It is what it is, what it ends up being, if anything, only time will tell. [Is what it is? Man, don’t you wish someone special would say that about you too?]

JD: Jesus, could you sound less enthusiastic about it6…Look at how you are talking about it. You are going to see if it’s “worth it”. It should be “I love him and I think we should give it one more try.” Wow, try to be at least positive about it.

IJ: Trust me, I am excited and I do still love him. [Ooh. Trust me, which means, “I’m not even sure I believe it myself].

JD: Good. I hope it works out.8

[End transmissions.]

Analysis [Here’s what most likely happened]: Feeling lonely on the night before Valentine’s Day, she consumed large amounts of alcohol [wouldn’t be the first time]. Somewhere during that process, she decides hooking up with her ex is a good idea. He goes home with her. The following day, she has two choices:

  1. Deal with the guilt of drunken hookup; own having to be honest with him; own having to face the consequences with me [not that there would have been any because, technically speaking, we weren’t exclusive so it’s not my place to say anything]
  2. Convince herself that she actually wants him back.

Choice A would require some actually responsibility and confronting her own behavior. Choice B is requires denial and dishonesty to yourself. Since this seems to be much easier for the average psyche to handle, choice B happened.9

I acknowledge that it is possible that she was harboring hidden feelings for him all along. However, in my experience, women who express that kind of “doneness” in someone do not go back. When a woman ends it for good and feels nothing but indifference, it’s over [Indifference is the opposite of love]. And, when said ex continues to exhibit the undesirable behavior for months after the break up, it doesn’t stir up old feelings.

However, a little loneliness and a lot of alcohol on the other hand…

I will say this for his insecurity: I can see why he might feel that way. Granted, it’s still his own junk and he needs to clean it up. But, it’s obvious now that her need for attention [her insecurity] acts like gasoline to his fear of abandonment and need to control the outcome [his insecurities]. I wonder how that will play out the next time she goes to Vegas on business. I’m sure we can all probably guess.

I know one thing…no more messing with flippin mother Italians who do business with mother freaking Ukranians.

Footnotes:

  1. Jobbed (adj.) = when something unfortunate happens to someone; also see screwed over.
  2. Hallmark has eagerly contributed to this yearly moment of weakness for women who are single or without their potential significant other. Thank you corporate America for the events of this blog. I couldn’t write it without you.
  3. I so want that slogan on a shirt. “EX Happens!”
  4. I’m not sure if six weeks is my definition of a while. Still, I liked the idea.
  5. FYI, it is so not OK to text a break up. At the very least, post it on your Facebook wall…
  6. Not sure if that’s even possible.
  7. Believe it or not, when someone and I aren’t exclusive, I actually don’t get mad about what they do with someone else. I know…logic and ration in an emotional situation…who knew.
  8. I want to see people I care about happy. Yes, even if it means, on occasion, that it hurts. Just too bad they all too often find disappointment instead.
  9. Denial rules, especially in cases of alcohol consumption.
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4 Responses

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  1. brknhrt75 said, on May 4, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    This makes me sad about the state of the dating world out there. At least you’re not jaded and against (wo)men like myself. 🙂 Well done you!

    • theteacher174 said, on May 5, 2010 at 2:59 pm

      Don’t lose hope. It may suck now. However, if you have faith, it won’t suck forever and you will find someone who is right for you.

  2. meredith said, on May 5, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    yeeeeesh and ick and serious eyeroll. also: you should totally have that t-shirt.

  3. Lisa said, on May 17, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    I am reeeeally glad that during my drunken episiodes in relationship limbo, I haven’t called or texted my ex and blubbered about wanting to get back together!


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