Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Junk Ink: “Wanna Suck My Hello Kitty?”

Posted in WTF? by Wingnut on May 5, 2010

I was talking to Hot Topic at the bar last night [HT very attractive young Ginger-American, see Darren Carter for another example of GA] as she was avoiding following her friend onto the karaoke patio. [Yes, the cowboy bar I go to has karaoke on Tuesdays and if you think rednecks can’t sing, you should hear wanna be rednecks!] No, it wasn’t the bad singing that was keeping her inside near the bar, nor the company of yours truly. She was trying to avoid being noticed by an apparent “ejunkulator” known as The Creeper. [In the top10 of nicknames you don’t want to have]

As she pointed him out [alarmingly he was talking to some of my other friends], she explained that she had met him at another karaoke venue that she frequents. After weeks of casual small talk [you know, the kind you use to feel out that girl/guy you are interested when you frequent a social environment]. Well, he had finally gotten comfortable enough to take the next steps. Turns out his next steps were a disastrous ejunkulation, the kind of epic fail you only read about.1

FAIL #1 – The Creeper figured now would be a good time to buy her drinks. This, by itself, wasn’t a fail. Add a repeated request to make out [Let me guess…hmmm…karaoke bar…he’d been drinking? DING! DING! DING!]2. According to HT, this went on for the duration of the evening, with Creeper reminding her that he bought her drinks so she should make out with him. [This qualifies as another common, poor logic argument that guys try to use to seduce women…unsuccessfully].3

I think, from the look on HT’s face, this would have been enough to earn him the name Creeper. I was about to get an education in a whole new form of ejunkulation that I never even considered existed [And, the parts of me on Denial Island swear that none of this ever happened].

Depending on where it's located, it could be worse!

FAIL #2—The conversation goes something like what follows:

Creeper: So, I was thinking of getting a tattoo. Do you think I should get a tattoo?

HT [Clearly disinterested]: Um…sure.

Creeper: Don’t you want to know where I’m going to get it?

HT [?!?!?!?]: Um…

Creeper: I’m going to get my penis tattooed!

HT [?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!] Um…[wishing she could simply run fast and far] WTF?

Creeper: Yeah, I’ve always wanted…..

HT [?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!] Oh, I think it’s my turn to sing!

Creeper: But you aren’t even in the rotation…

HT: I’m doing a duet with that girl over there [pointing in the first direction she can think of]. I’ve got to go.

Creeper [as she moves away]: I’ll show it to you whe…[she can no longer hear him because she is almost sprinting now]

Analysis: Before we have a very frank discussion on how WRONG this is, it must be said that he is not the only one who has this ridiculous notion of getting junk ink. In fact, when you type in the search terms: Penis tattoo yahoo answers, you get 250,000 hits!  Have some men truly lost their minds? 4

I need to emphasize the point, in case there are those of you readers out there who didn’t get the memo: If you get a tattoo on your penis, fewer women will choose to sleep with you. In fact, I think fewer gay men will be interested in you as well. There is NOTHING COOL about inking your junk.

In case you missed it:

MEMORANDUM
RE: Junk Ink
WOMEN DON’T WANT YOUR JUNK TO HAVE INK
End memo.

Another example of this utter insanity–

From Yahoo Answers: “Okay I’ve seen this asked before, but this is a different design. So seriously, I am considering of all things getting a Hello Kitty tattoo on the head of my penis. My girl friend is crazy about the idea. I’m not too worried about the pain. This post won’t make my decision, but what would you think finding Hello Kitty on the head of a penis?”

HELLO KITTY? HELLO KITTY!!!!!!!!!!

I’m willing to bet that most women who unzipped a guys fly and found Hello Kitty would fall over in uncontrollable laughter, say simply “No. No. I so can’t do this”, and quickly bolt from the room. [Maybe the worst pickup line ever: “Hey baby, wanna suck my Hello Kitty?”]5

Still not cool!

MEMORANDUM
RE: Hello Kitty Junk
REALLY? HELLO FREAKIN’ KITTY? YEAH, YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID EVER AGAIN!
End memo.

Honestly, no woman is every worth doing that for…EVER. [If you are a woman out there and you think you are worth it…please walk the other way, I honestly don’t want to meet you] 6

I’m willing to bet that Yahoo Answer boy’s girlfriend is not crazy about the idea from a “it will turn me on” standpoint. If she is pushing the idea, it’s because it will brand him forever. He will never again be able to sleep with a woman without explaining “her”. Who knew it would actually be better if she simply asked you to tattoo her name on her shoulder? In fact, if you are willing to go this far for a woman, just let her pee on you to mark her territory. It’s less expensive and much faster. [junk ink is like a hickey, multiplied by 10549213924293123].

Addendum: Yea, so in talking this over in the lunch room, Mrs. Scarface [because of Al Pacino related stuff] mentioned she met a skirt-wearing guy [not kilt] who had a chain attached to his cock and balls via rings in both. That might be bad by itself, but, it had a BELL?!??!?!? Yes, his junk jingled as he walked.

MEMORANDUM
RE: Jingle Cock
I…JUST…DON’T…KNOW….
End blog

Footnotes:

  1. I do sincerely apologize for any of you this has actually happened to. No person should ever have to go through this.
  2. “Wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out,” has never been much of a pickup line.
  3. [I am drunk and purchased the drinks/I want to make out with her/Therefore, she should make out with me]
  4. This is clearly evidence of the affirmative.
  5. My colleague TH confirmed it because when she read this and said it out loud, she was crying because she was laughing so hard.
  6. OK, if you are hot. I’ll still meet you, but only to sleep with you. After that, take your hello kitty and get the hell out.
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9 Responses

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  1. meredith said, on May 5, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    omfg. no, really. good god. never ever going to that bar ever. i realize this is not a failsafe plan to avoid all creepers, but maybe a good start. georgia’s got country bars. i’m sure i’ll be fine. …eek.

    • theteacher174 said, on May 5, 2010 at 9:43 pm

      True. But not all CA country bars are full of creepers. Wait, no, I take that back. All of them have a few! (but so does everwhere else. ;-). )

  2. TurnJacson said, on May 5, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Ha, ha, ha, ha… I never knew buying a girl drinks was a social contract, in which she had to make out with me for the transaction to be completed.

    That guys was creeptastic!!

    FYI – I love my junk far to much to purposely inflict pain on it and I don’t even think that’s an over-share, you’d think all men would feel that way…. some peoples children I tell ya!!

  3. brknhrt75 said, on May 7, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    I concur, as a female, that ink on a man’s “junk” is a big (no pun intended) turn-off. I mean honestly, how stupid is that? Some people’s children is right!

  4. Anonymous said, on May 9, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Hello Kitty Darth Vader tat = cool. And if you have enough confidence to sport one you can probably have all the sex you want.

    • theteacher174 said, on May 9, 2010 at 9:50 pm

      I agree that confidence is attractive to women. But some things can just never be “rocked”.

      For example, no matter how much he tries, no guy ever “rocks” the combover. Just not happening!

      • Anonymous said, on May 9, 2010 at 10:11 pm

        A guy with a combover is not actually confident in his self. Otherwise he wouldn’t feel the need to cover. But a balding guy can definitely rock the hairlessness.

    • Anonymous said, on May 9, 2010 at 10:09 pm

      And by probably I mean definitely.

  5. evaroads said, on May 11, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    This post made me howl with laughter.

    Junk ink – never near me, thank you very much.

    …and the same goes for you jingle cock. You may jingle on down the road.


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