Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Missed Connections: And You Call Lloyd Dobler a Stalker?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 13, 2010

“I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere? ”  — Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

If you’ve ever seen it, you will never forget the image of Lloyd Dobler outside Diane Court’s room, boom box aloft, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes…” in the air. How can any of us who grew up on a steady diet of 80s teen angst-romance movies ever forget it? Was there ever a more romantic gesture [Yes, I thought about doing this at least one time…but, so did you].123

How did he  get her in the first place? He picked up a telephone and introduced himself. The key here is actual human conversation, followed by a direct request to meet, followed by action, followed by a request to go on a date. It’s a pretty simple mathematical formula that produces results.4 However, results are not always positive, which is why many people observe from a far, hide in the shadows, and fantasize about their own version of Diane Court. It is easier to believe in the “possibility” of someone than to actual do something to get them.

Some, thanks to a good helping of passive-aggressive in their psyche, will even find their ways onto the back pages of the OC Weekly or a website called “Missed Connections”, where they can “reach out” to that person they just can’t stop thinking about [Though, calling it screaming out seems more appropriate].

Example 1 [plus commentary]:

You: very pretty girl with dark hair who seems like a serious runner, which I admire [sure you do]. So few people seriously work out at the gym-but you were… Booking! [What lazy ass gym does he hang out at?]

Me: ran next to you, blonde guy, also booking. [Dude, it’s the treadmill]

Did I mention you were gorgeous?  Hopefully it’s not too late for you to actually hear it [WTF?]. Guess there’s a chance I’ll run into you–or by you, again there [Dude, it’s the TREADMILL…you don’t run by anyone]!

Analysis: Now, I had hoped he was talking about running on a track, with would have at least given him some credibility. But then I realized it had to be the treadmill because he was running “next to her.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong here, but a strange guy running next to you on the track for a prolonged period of time, not saying anything, has got to be a little bit creepy. More importantly, most ladies don’t go to the gym to meet guys anyway [As much as we like to look at them, they don’t actually want to talk to us. The gym, for a woman, is business5].

The larger questions are: why didn’t he talk to her when he had the chance? And: What motivates someone to go to an internet/OC weekly personals section and post such a hopeful [albeit creepy] message?

The answer is simple: Fear of reality.

People who do this sort of thing are afraid of real interaction because, well, real interaction has all sorts of unpleasantness that comes are part of the deal.6 There is risk involved with talking to another person. They might reject us. The might be interested, then reject us. The might like us and that would require commitment [GASP!]. The list is endless [For some, actually getting what you want is scarier than being rejected].

Fantasy is far simpler.

By pining away on the personals page over that “missed” opportunity, a person can also hold onto the illusion that the other person might have shared the same “moment” with them as well. It is comforting to think that someone is flirting with him/her [which they might be] or checking him/her out [which is also possible]. So, he/she constructs this fantasy that maybe another person is out there longing to connect with him/her.

Needless to say, the behavior exposes some clear relationship and communications issues that a person must deal with before they can hope to have a functional relationship. Yet, most of these people are content to live on Denial Island, never digging themselves out of their own junk.

Example 2 (written by a woman):

You flew by me, dread locks flying out the drivers window, your smile at me….wish you would’ve slowed down….didn’t you know, there was no rush to get there [and you know this how?]?

Analysis: I can barely remember a billboard I saw driving yesterday, let alone someone I caught a glimpse of going by on the road. I see beautiful women on the freeway, all of the time, but I don’t give them a second thought. Even if they smile at me, I’ve forgotten about them by the next overpass.

Example 3 (written by a woman):

You have a tattoo on yr chest and an amazing body. I told you i was trying to figure out how to take a screenshot and you left! Come back… I want to show you more[?!?!?!?]. Im 26 from CA

Analysis: Hmm. Let me guess. He left before you could take a picture…maybe he’s just not that into you?

Example 4 (written by a man):

You were in a silver two door tacoma. I was in the middle of the street. I started talking to you and found out you were a nanny name Sara ? sarah ?the light turned green before I could ask for your number…

Analysis: Let me guess. She left when the light is green…I’m willing to bet…her name isn’t Sarah and she’s just not that into you. Otherwise, she would have pulled over!

Example 5 (written by a man):

‘Hi there! I am hoping by some miracle you come on here.
I was the guy who called you stunning in the elevator this morning. I am not sure what it was about you but you have something
I pressed the wrong floor and you were so sweet trying not ot laugh at me. I told you that you were stunning and you turned all red and said thank you.
I think I flustered you as well since I was behind you in my car while you struggled to get you credit card in the machine to leave the parking. I think you were driving a chevrolet hatchback.
If by some chance you see this email please send me a hello… I’ll also tell you I think you are beautiful! ‘

Analysis: Of course she was flustered. She was SCARED TO DEATH you fucking stalker!

All of these entries have one thing in common…DENIAL. In none of these posts was there any indication that the other person even remotely reciprocated the feelings, nor was there anything memorable about the meeting that might stick out in someone’s mind. But, by posting, the poster creates the fantasy that a person is out there, looking for them too. It’s almost, romantic. More likely, it’s a whole lot of crazy.

Nowhere is denial more obvious than in the following entry, written by a guy:

girl that was looking for a lesbian…..

I was the Jewish guy,
You said you were in OC
lets chat!

Analysis: Dude..she’s a LESBIAN! And, if she’s not, she’s pretending to be one. Either way, dude. DUDE? Trust me, you’ll have better luck with straight girls. I promise you that.

Chatroulette: Creating” Missed Connections” on a nightly basis

In sifting through the entries, I came across dozens that mentioned losing a connection or browser window on Chatroulette. I suppose, this is a slightly more acceptable use of the MC concept since you may have been talking to someone for a prolonged period of time.

However, I have to wonder…if you have been talking to someone for hours that you have a real connection with, why haven’t you exchanged contact information for use at a later date [like e-mail]? This is the way it works in real life. Boy meets girl/boy talks to girl/boy gets girls # [and hopeful doesn’t follow with boy ejunkulate’s on girl]

I have a theory. It’s almost as if you are secretly waiting for something to happen so it can another great “fish that got away” story. That way, you don’t have to ruin the fantasy.

I think the best part about this phenomenon, however, is getting to see just how strange and bizarre people behave on Chatroulette [and I’m not talking about the random penis stroking that goes on; Chatroulette + Invitation to Ejunkulate = I Never Got That Memo Either].

Example:

I didn’t mean to disconnect from out conversation when “nature called.” I’m really glad you did something more interesting than most so I wouldn’t “next” you.
I think our conversation lasted kind of a long time and there were a lot of innuendos in there, and yet we didn’t even exchange names. You did flash me your man-boobs, and showed off your impressive ears to me- at which point the things got pretty *serious. aha
I did feel bad after I disconnected, and I tried for a long time to find you again.
I hope we can talk again sometime.

Analysis: Man BoobsImpressive ears? This girl is certainly a commitmentphobe. It sure takes a lot for her to get serious about something. Maybe if he showed her his nostril she would have given him her name.

Singles’ Cruise to Denial Island, now departing from Missed Connections for a four-hour tour.

Strange as this all is…at least he didn’t have a Hello Kitty tattoo.

Footnote:

  1. Ladies, you secretly wished a guy would do it for you too!
  2. I can only imagine that if this scene was updated for today’s reality, Lloyd would have found himself knocked to the ground by Arizona police and asked for his proof of residency [Anyone listening to Peter Gabriel willingly is not “from here”]. They could legally do this too because Lloyd was exhibiting classic stalking behavior [legal grounds for Arizona “papers please” action] Lloyd would prove to be an American and love-struck teen and would be released to go back to being EMO because, by this time the AZ legal system spit him out, Diane would have already been on a plane and of to college.
  3.  [Is it just me, or are some of the most romantic gestures to ever appear in written or filmed literature clear stalking behavior?].
  4. Amazing how things actually happen when you DO SOMETHING. On the contrary: [Like + Inaction does not equal anything]
  5. Trust me, they DON’T want to talk to you at the gym. I researched this when I joined the gym [I’m a pig] and there are countless websites full of woman saying they don’t want to meet guys at the gym. End of story.
  6. Like icky feelings and stuff.
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2 Responses

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  1. TurnJacson said, on May 13, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Great post…
    I think the fear of rejection is basically making it impossible for people to connect. We all stare at each other playing a weird game of chicken as we wait for the other person to make the move. Then when nothing happens we toss out the… “one that got away” line and use the words “If only I would have said something”.

    It took me a while to learn that it’s all perceived and not real. Now when I go up to a girl and ask for a number, or try to engage her in conversation. I realize that if it doesn’t work out, neither of us are in the wrong. So she isn’t into me… that’s really not my issue. (unless I came across as a douche) People avoid contact because they assume if someone doesn’t accept them, then there is something inherently wrong with them.

    Sure the sting of rejection hurts, but it’s not like it’s an every lasting pain.

    Speaking of stalking… In the movie Love Actually, the best friend that video tapes his buddies wife at the reception exclusively and then shows up at her door with the music and big cue cards.

    Ya, in any other situation that’s stalking.

    • theteacher174 said, on May 13, 2010 at 6:04 pm

      Absolutely. Rejection stings…but it stings for a short period of time. I’ve got friends who get rejected once and they are shut down for weeks.

      Me, I use simple logic. There are women in the world I’m not attracted to, therefore, it stands to reason, there will be women who don’t find me attractive. So what…

      The one that got away story is a lot of people’s security blanket.


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