Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Preventing Disaster: Honest Evaluation is Essential to Prevent Starting an Ill-Fated LDR

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 18, 2010

The connection seems a little fuzzy on my end

“Why do all these quotes sound like a bad greeting card [ www.lovingfromadistance.com/quotes.html] ?”  –Me, 5/18/10

Recently, I had an opportunity to rekindle a relationship with an ex with whom I had some strong ties a little over five years ago. She contacted me via Facebook and we started talking extensively. It was like old times, new times, good times, and great times.

But, the thing was, she was not coming back this way anytime soon, if ever. Her current job was almost 1000 miles away and future job prospects reached out over 3000 miles.  We talked about the possibility of a LDR and exactly what that might look like.

To make an LDR successful, both parties have to be active participants. A great deal of effort is required to keep both people’s emotional needs taken care of, especially when other needs are lacking. There are even complete guides on how to make one work at wiki-how and askmen.com, to name a few.

So, those of you who are aware of my continued singleness might wonder, “what happened?” and might be expecting to read a blog about her going “crazy train” on me. The truth is, I came to the realization of one simple fact that makes an LDR unsustainable for me:

I’m far too selfish to participate in an LDR. [I know the whole “It’s not you, It’s me” conversation is usually bullshit. But, yeah, it’s me]1

Here are some tips for being in an LDR that, frankly, I just don’t see myself ever being truly into [taken from the two websites linked above]:

Do Things Together and Go On Dates: Watch TV shows together, or movies simultaneously.

  • OK, I’ve done this in local relationships via text message and, frankly, I found it annoying then. Sure, if there is something really funny or amazing, I might send out a text to someone saying “Did you see that?” However, replicating the in-person experience is just downright cumbersome and, frankly, annoying. Can you imagine being on a phone during a movie? [I’ve seen this]
  • Besides, there are just some experiences I can’t share…like live comedy or live theatre. Can you imagine texting during Wicked [I’ve seen people doing this too. They were also wearing flip-flops and shorts]

Schedule communication:

  • I have enough trouble scheduling communication with someone who is local. I’ve usually got a lot going on and am easily distracted.
  • OK, that sounds like an excuse and it would be, if I wasn’t acknowledging the following fact: I choose to have a lot going on and am happy with most of those choices. I generally enjoy my travels and activities.
  • I’m good at touching bases via text/e-mail. However, for most people, this is not extensive contact, nor relationship nurturing communication [These days, I’d rather blog than write a long e-mail to someone. Good grief, what does that say about me].

Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart:

  • This works when you are talking about reading a book or listening to music. But, it kinda defeats the purpose of me when I can’t be in the physical presence of the person I seek to share these interests with.
  • I want to see facial expressions and other body language. It’s just not the same experience and, frankly, though my imagination is a powerful thing, it’s not even close to the same [If your common interests include frequent sex…good luck with that].

Learn Discipline and Delayed Gratification3:

  • I’m far to impulsive. Delayed gratification is so not me.
  • Yes, in other areas of my life, I’ve learned a little self-control and discipline [for five, maybe ten whole minutes]. I’ve learned patience, for example, when it comes to reasonably sized purchases [for five, maybe ten whole days].
  • In my professional life, I work very hard to gain long term results. Still, I like to see immediate progress.
  • But, yeah, I’m impulsive and spontaneous.

These are just a few of the ideas for having an LDR. I know I do not speak for everyone. So, if any of my readers or tweeters gets any notions about an LDR, you might want to check out sites like: http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/

Yeah, I looked. I so don’t want to read that either. But, like I said, I’m just not cut out for this gig. Maybe you aren’t either.

I'm almost assistant manager of plumbing fixtures.

Footnotes:

  1. I suppose one could make an argument that I just wasn’t that into her. Well, technically, that would be correct. But, at a distance of 1000 miles, I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever been with I would be “that into”. Though, I suppose it’s theoretically possible.2
  2. And I could theoretically cure cancer too.
  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There is such a thing? Come on…you guys don’t have this skill either.4
  4. No really. If our society was founded on delayed gratification, we wouldn’t by $500,000 homes because we got a raise at the Piggly Wiggly.
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2 Responses

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  1. Miss Alpha said, on May 19, 2010 at 5:19 am

    So what you’re saying is… don’t fall in love with a guy who lives in England unless you’re feeling especially altruistic? 😉

    • theteacher174 said, on May 19, 2010 at 8:01 am

      Something like that. ;-). It’s just about taking a personal inventory and making a good decision for yourself. I can’t say what is right for everyone, just what is wrong for me.


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