Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

You Job Opportunity is Not That Into You: “Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.”

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on June 25, 2010

[Interactive blog-reading: Due to time constraints (otherwise known as the upcoming Yankees v. Dodgers game I’m attending), I will not have time to edit or add footnotes in my usual, sardonic, comedic style. Thus, I invite you to post typos, grammatical mistakes, and possible footnotes in my comments section. In fact, I DEMAND IT! I will the add the edits/footnotes into the blog and give you credit for doing so. Now, have fun!]

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

By now, we’ve all heard the expression “He’s Just Not That Into You” applied to all forms of relationships from dating to marriage. But there are other places that these principles can be applied. For example: “Your cat/dog’s not that into you”; “Your friends just aren’t that into you”; and, of course, “Your tweeps are just not that into you.” What about professionally?

This afternoon, I turned down a job interview because “That job opportunity is not that into me.”

Some of you may be pulling your hair out. Others are screaming at your monitors/smartphones/iPads, “What the hell? CB4, you need employment for September!” [It just occurred to me was CB4 also stands for and I’m singing “Straight Outta Lo Cash”].

Technically, I’m not at the point of desperation yet and have a plan for survival in the event I am stuck on unemployment for a period of time. I don’t have to jump at just any old opportunity. I can be selective. [I figure this part appeals to “Rules” people like @askmsalpha. The connection gets even better, just wait].

For the past two weeks, I’ve been applying for jobs online at almost every place within a 100-mile radius. This may require relocation. But, if it comes to it, I will commute Fri-Sun to spend every weekend with my daughters. It was close to the setup this year and can be done for 10 months again if need be. I’m hoping it won’t come to that.

This afternoon, I got my first call for an interview. I was pretty excited to return the voicemail. This was a charter school located in an area where I could move to within 10 miles of my girls. The excitement lasted until I called the woman back. She explained that the she was trying to squeeze me in at 8:30 Monday morning.

Thought process: Crap. I teach summer school. The office is closed for the day and I know I can’t get a sub in such a short period of time. I suppose I could try early Monday morning. I already had to miss one day already and will have to miss another, can I miss three when we drop our students after three absences?

I informed her that I taught summer school and would be unable to make that interview time. I asked if she had anything after 1 p.m. next week and she explained she was booked.

“I’ll be sure to call you if we are still looking for someone,” she said.

“Well, let me see if I can do something. I will call you back if I can arrange for a sub,” I replied.

More thinking: I am only a few miles from my school, maybe I could round up someone who had an administrators home phone number. Maybe I can cancel on the person I’m supposed to help in two weeks? Can I afford to give up $135? Wait stupid, this is a possible job.

My brain was bombarded with choices and scenarios.

In the end, I opted to make $135 on Monday instead.

Yes, $135.

I want this interview as much as I want this fax machine

Am I crazy? Perhaps. However, if you can’t see it, I’ll spell it out. “This job is not that into me and I’m not going to sacrifice my students, my friend or $135 for a job that doesn’t want me” [I wonder if the aforementioned Alpha female knows already where I am going with this].

Consider the facts:

  • Applications for the job closed early this week. Ample time to properly schedule an interview.
  • She called at 1 p.m. on a Friday to schedule an interview for 8:30 a.m. on Monday. That does not give me any time or flexibility to make arrangements if I need to.
  • She said she was trying to squeeze me in to her interview schedule. [This suggests that I was not initially selected for an interview and was an afterthought].
  • When I indicated that I had a very good reason for not being available, she made no attempt to alter her schedule to meet mine.

Let us alter the players with the same facts:

  • He’s had your phone number for a couple weeks and he’s calling you this afternoon to see if you want to go out tonight.
  • You need advanced notice because you need a babysitter or someone to play with your cats (because we know @turnjacson won’t take care of them).
  • He said he was trying to squeeze me in to his busy schedule for the weekend and this was the only time he had open.
  • When you said you would be able to get together, he said he would call you at a later date if he was still single.

So, if someone offered you $135 not to go on a date with this guy, you would be making a down payment on a new coach purse the next morning. Why, because it is clear that this guy isn’t really interested in you and, for whatever reason, feels the need to come up with a “token” date for you to go on. You would be an idiot to go on the date [Sadly, some women would not only go on this date, but would do so repeatedly chasing the elusive male in question].

It stands to reason, then, when you apply the same principles, this HR person just isn’t that interested in interviewing me. Otherwise, she would me more than happy to accommodate my needs and priorities right?

My last job loved Kung Fu, hated flair, and looked like Jennifer "F'N" Aniston!

Is it wrong for me to want a job that thinks I’m a commodity to be aggressively fought for, not an afterthought. I want a job to be like my most recent ex-Jobfriend. That job and I were like star-crossed lovers. I gave everything to it and, when feuding families got in the way [My district has far more drama that the Montagues and Capulets ever could] and the budget got tight, my job did everything possible to keep me from finding another job. Even know it calls out to me, saddened by fact that warring factions have depleted the coffers.

Wow, I do like extended metaphor don’t I. I also sound like I’m talking about the kind of guy every woman hopes they fall in love with.

Funny thing, I’m not allowing myself to feel desperate for a job, which allows me to make better choices.

See, I must be on to something. Dating principles can be applied to job hunting, and vice versa [Some of you may find this blog more useful for your dating lives than for your professional ones]. Consider what desperation might have cost me besides $135? What does it cost you in dating?

Monday morning, they will be hiring someone who is desperate for a job and won’t be interested in staying around long. Monday morning, they will fall in love with someone who will break their heart when he/she finds the job he/she really wants. Monday morning, they could have met with someone who was open to falling in love with a new job, loyalty you can’t find in those who are just desperate in this economy. Monday morning, I will look at my watch at 8:30 and think of what might have been…for them, not me because I know I will love again.

Monday morning, I’ll be making $135.

UPDATE: Within seconds of posting this blog, I got another call for an interview from a job I REALLY WANT! See, the universe must really like this blog! You should too.

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For All Your Dating Needs: Ask an Asshole if You Want Useful Advice!

People don’t hide who they are. It is we who choose the glasses through which we filter their image.



In the my earlier incarnation as a “concrete cowboy” [My term for “Urban Cowboy” is way better], there were certain services that I provided to my female friends that merited the printing of business cards. No, not THOSE services [I was a douche, but that would have made me a King Kong Mega douche1]. At the time, one of the things I was known for was being a good listener and providing sound ClueXFour-style advice.2  These cards said, “Resident Cowboy Psychologist.”

Make no mistake, I was not the “nice guy” who didn’t get laid. Most of those women who came to me were those I had plans to sleep with in the near future or had already slept with and planned to again at some point in time if I needed a booty call.3

Whatever my intentions were, women came to me because I hit them upside with the brutal truth [In my old age, I have learned a little tact. I prepare them…then I brain them with the truth]. Women didn’t come to me for sympathy. They came to me when they needed someone to shoot straight with them.

They came to me when they needed an asshole. (more…)

Black Ops: The Motives and Protocols of Covert Shouting (Shout, part 3)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on June 14, 2010

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby, that’s all.

Army of Darkness 

By now I think we can all agree that most people, including ourselves, have been guilty of ‘shouting’ self-lies like “I LOVE MY LIFE AND EVERYONE IN IT!” For this behavior, the only person he/she is hurting is him/herself [For the rest of us, it provides great comic relief]1. Not all wounds caused by shouting are self-inflicted, however.  Sometimes, the other person is shouting at us.

We call this behavior “Covert Shouting” because it is almost always part of “black-ops” by the other person to misdirect or mislead us. It is shouting by design because, if he/she says it and you believe it, the mission can continue to its termination without further threat. Regardless of the nature of the mission [rapid infiltration or prolonged insurgency]2 or the context, the shouting “operative” does not have altruistic intentions.3


Steven Strasburg: Holy Fastball Batman, You Got Struck the ‘F’ Out!

Posted in Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on June 9, 2010

Every so often an athlete comes along that this Jock Dork can get excited about. Last night was one of those nights.

Now being an elitist sports fan, I can appreciate the intricacies of two teams/players locked in combat, each trying to outduel the other, with each mistake a potential disaster. It is a chess with a baseball, football, or golf club. It is almost sports at its finest. Almost…

More than a great game, I love, even lust after, absolute dominance. There is just something awe-inspiring about someone who is just that much better than his peers, demonstrating it with a masterful display of “I OWN the other guy!”

Last night, a 21-year old kid, called by some the most-hyped draft pick in baseball history, took the mound for the first time in “The Show.” Everyone knew this kid had all the tools to be a great player someday, but many wondered if, at 21, he had the poise to handle the pressure of being in front of 40,000 people and a national television audience. [At 21, I didn’t know my head from my own ass and could barely balance drinking with college. 21 = Hot Mess (FYI, I probably still don’t)]

So, as the umpire yelled, “Play Ball”. Eyes were glued to see what this kid would do. After the first pitch, we all knew. Yes, this kid is special.

Stephen Strasburg began mowing down major league players with his 100-MPH fastball, 91-MPH change up and 80-MPH breaking ball. These guys, being paid millions of dollars because they are that good, looked like a bunch of paralyzed little leaguers.

The true test of character came after one of the Pirates hit a two-run home run in the fourth inning. [No matter good a pitcher is, these are professional hitters and they can HIT] Would this rattle him, as it should the typical 21-year old [remember = hot mess]? No. Instead, he did what all great players do after making a mistake…he got focused.

After that, each successive batter was stepping into a batter’s box made of quicksand, waiting for their inevitable fate. The final seven batters Strasburg faced didn’t even sniff a hit, didn’t even sniff contact. All seven went down on strikes.

Seven innings later, this 21-year old phenom had struck out 14 batters, one shy of the major league record for a pitching debut [Shared by Karl Spooner and J.R. Richard. Both of them, it took nine innings to do what this kid had almost done in seven].

This kid is the real deal. My dad got the game on DVR and I may sit and watch it again with him. That is how impressive it was…rewatching a baseball game.

And, the Washington Nationals may have more phenomenal talent on the way, as they drafted Bryce Harper [Funny ESPN column], a 17-year old catcher from Las Vegas who may hit the ball farther than any other person on the planet.

I never thought I’d say this…I may be looking forward to catching a Nats game or two. [Strasburg’s probable next starts]

Thanks you Stephen Strasburg. I can’t wait to watch your next redonkulous performance.

Thinking Inside-the-Box; or, NiceHole: Graphing What Women Really Want

[Disclaimer: There may be copious amounts of ego on display in this blog. Yeah, that’s how I roll].

I have been asked on more than one occasion what type of guy I consider myself (twice recently) on my own scale of nice-guy v. asshole.  If you are unfamiliar with my theory (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret that most women don’t even realize.

For those of you who know me, this is not a criticism on what any of you may think of me one way or the other [Though sometimes I’m amused at what people think of me]2. Some think I am the pinnacle of warm, sweet, and caring behavior, while others think that when I sing the words, “I’m an asshole, and proud of it,”1 never truer words have been spoken [thankfully they love me anyway].

I like to think that I am what all women want. OK, before you say, “Holy crap! Talk about ego!” let me explain because this assumption is loosely based upon what little I understand about women [Although, I am, in fact, full of myself and understand nothing about women]. It is not me, specifically, that women want. It is the relative balance between good guy and complete prick which is what women most desire.

Women really want a NiceHole. [This portmanteau sounded like a far better combination of NG and AH than NiceAss, AssNice, AssGuy, GuyAss, GuyHole, HoleGuy]3

Background Info

Women talk about nice guys like they are some sort of endangered species. Some common associations include: “All the good ones are taken…”  “Why can’t I find someone who will treat me decently?” “Where are all the nice guys?” The way women talk about it, any day now I expect to cover story for National Geographic to be, “The Lost Civilization of Nice Guy.”4

Now, I personally don’t believe the “nice guy” exists as advertised anyway [Again, refer back to the “Nice Guy Conundrum” for details]. To summarize for the lazy among you, these “nice” guys are hoping to get laid as much as the next guy; they are just too pussy to go out and get it. [If you are a lazy reader, refer to the graph in place of the upcoming math-related section]

Furthermore, women don’t want this guy anyway, no matter what they tell you. I repeat WOMEN DON’T WANT THIS GUY ANYWAY! The reason is simple: Women don’t like floor mats and everyone who is associated with the label “nice guy” is a floor mat. Is there an exception? Sure. However, this is a woman who has made her man buy “special sheets” so she can show her lack of respect for him in a Golden Fountain of ways. [Sadly, this floor mat used to be one of my friends] Of course what these exception women won’t tell you is this: They are fantasizing about a much stronger man [In her case…me.]5

So, why do women pursue the asshole? It comes down to a matter of confidence. Women love confidence, no matter if it comes in 99% Distilled Douchebag form. Confidence turns all women on. I repeat Confidence turns ALL women on! It can be false confidence, over compensation confidence, or real, genuine “I kick ass!” confidence. The type doesn’t matter. Women want it and they are often willing to be trampled on, insulted, and mistreated to get it. [Maybe someday I’ll explain why assholes continue to flourish, though I guarantee women won’t like the answer]7.

The Happy Medium

So, when it comes down to it, the ideal guy for most women is one who has balance, roughly equal parts nice guy/asshole. They want a guy who can, and often is, a decent human being. At the same time, he must also have a backbone, be able to hold his own against her, and even have a little swagger. Sometimes, he even can be a relatively assholish, as long as the behavior isn’t prolonged or egregious.

You know it women, this is what you want. And these guys are out there, though in relatively short supply.  

Let us quantify this a bit. [Warning: Math Content Ahead. Yes, I am a nerd and actually created a graph]

Think of it like a graph with Nice Guy on the X-Axis and Asshole on the Y-Axis. [The best part is, I’ve done the graphing for you…with shading and labels!] Plot the graph from the origin through X,Y coordinates that are equal [1,1; 2,2…10,10]. This is called the NiceHole Equivalency Ratio Axis.  If a guy’s personality falls around the line, he is considered equal parts Nice Guy and Asshole.

Now perfect equality is rare. However, there are guys who hover the line within a certain range most of the time. These are the ideal selections for most women.

If a guy is too far above the line, he is far more asshole than nice guy. Granted, he will have buttloads of women to choose from [yes, buttloads!]. Someone too far below the line is spineless and usually only useful for wiping your feet on. He will have anti-buttloads of women available to him.8

This is not an exact science because there are two other limits that should act as disqualifiers. If you look at the graph, you will see two vertical lines. Women should disqualify everyone to the left of the Zero-Personality Threshold. Sure, a guy who register 3,3 on the scale might have equal halves. However, they will also have the personality of a banana slug.

People above the axis line to the left of the ZPT are all those guys you’ve dreamed of turning into your personal floor mat.

Likewise, a person beyond 7,7 would be equally balanced. However, this is what we like to call the Batterer Alert Threshold. Anyone who knows anything about abusive relationships will always say the following: “Yes, I know it can get really bad…but when it’s good, it’s SOOOOOO good.” This is not a shock because their superior-level of asshole is interchangeable with an equal level of nice guy. Some, below the axis, still have some nice guy in them, but it is far too little to compensate for being giant testicle.

Ideally, women want to find men inside the four boundaries. Men should, in turn, strive to do their best to be inside the box [Yes boys and girls, being “outside the box” is sometimes a bad thing].

NiceHoles in the Wild: What does this look like anyway and how do I get me some?

I was going to try to get away without having to think up examples of what this actually looks like because it really is hard to quantify. However, I think I can give you some “ideas” of the type of guy he is and some ideas of what he is not.

A NiceHole will be there for you when you truly need it. If you are having a crisis, a NiceHole will be available for you to lean on, cry on, and rely on. However, while the floor mat will always be there, the NiceHole will recognize when you are abusing this privilege and will inform you of such [This involves communication, not the typical passive-aggressive response, which is to simply be unavailable. P-A = Asshole]. The NiceHole is strong enough to follow up with action and tell you no. You may hate him for this, but, ultimately, a firm NO when you are out of line creates the perfect paradox. You are infuriated, yet turned on how strong he is. [Sadly, the Asshole will simply call you a bitch. Even sadder, it will still turn some of you on].

A NiceHole will hold his ground in an argument. This does not mean that he spends the whole time trying to prove that “you are wrong”. He may be wrong and, at some point, will freely admit to it, though not necessarily at that moment. Unlike the “Nice Guy”, the NiceHole does not simply give in and roll over. This will infuriate you, and turn you on. But, at least, in his arguments, he won’t call you stupid or any other name that is designed to insult you and hurt your feelings. [Name Calling = Asshole, though sadly, this will also turn some of you on.]

A NiceHole will attempt to listen to you, but will freely admit that he cannot completely follow some of your conversations because they are rapid, fast-paced, and there is only so much he can hear about “Gray’s Anatomy” before his head explodes. But, at least the NiceHole makes a good effort. The asshole doesn’t ever care [Sadly…turn on!] and the “nice guy” is only listening while imagining you naked.

These are but a few examples.

Getting in Touch with Your Inner NiceHole: Self-Assessment

To determine where you fall on the graph requires a self-assessment…honest self-assessment. You should also take into consideration the input of friends, who will often lie to you, and exes, who will often despise you. Mix it together and come up with the end result.

Where you take it from there, is up entirely to you. I wish I could offer specific advice on how to better behave like one, but each person’s level of self-regulation is different.

That is for you to figure out.

As for me, some of you may think I’m amazing and others think I’m an arrogant prick. Yes, yes I am.

I’m a NiceHole. Nice to meet you.


  1. Thank you Dennis Leary.
  2. NDF was shocked, in fact, when I sang “Asshole” for karaoke one night. In her fantasy reality, I was this incredible, straight-laced guy who was the most awesome person ever. The first time she heard me swear, she made me repeat it because she didn’t believe I had said it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have you met me?
  3. It is also a great pickup line for Men, Women, Straight and Gay. “What’s up…Nice Hole!”
  4. Historical records show that the “Civilization of the Nice Guy” was lost after it was invaded by the French. See folks, even the French can whup up on a nice guy.
  5. They only started dating because she was hoping to make me jealous. I wouldn’t give her the time of day because we all called her a succubus [Do you need any more proof than “special sheets”?]6
  6. BTW, I still hate you Diablorobotica for forcing the rest of us to have this horrible visual as well.
  7. You were warned: Assholes exist because there are always plenty of women to put up with it. Thus, the majority of complete pricks are not motivated to change because they can ALWAYS get laid somewhere. [I am not saying this is right…just that it is] If women wanted to rid the world of assholes, they would have to unite as one against Tryassany. How likely is that to happen? [I’ll blog upon this some other time]
  8.  Anti-buttloads = Women in naked magazines and Anime.

“I’m a Good Person and People Like Me”: No Stuart, You are King Deusche! (Shouting Part Two)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on June 3, 2010

No matter how often you say it, doesn't make it true!

Issues of Self: I’m OK [Though I’m really a hot-fucking mess]

It amazes me sometimes the things we will shout about ourselves in an effort to maintain the thin veil of our own sanity. Much like the bloated statements about how “fantisterastic” a relationship is, these statements are fraught with all sorts of fault lines, the smallest which can fracture at the slightest glimpse of its reflection. [Reflected image = Epic Sanity Fail]

That “glimpse” is what people fear most. To look in the mirror means having to admit that their fool-hearty attempt to pass the “I’m OK” test has been futile. [Fuck I need to fix my fixation with the “f”]. Acquaintances and new friends are often unaware of these cracks. They believe what the people say about themselves without too much questioning. Little do they know [I once taught a whole class on “Little did he know”1], each firm declaration of self is really a subconscious confession of the opposite.

Those a little closer to the precipice or within the inner circle are more astute observers and can adequately evaluate each “self-statement” for its “complete bullshit” levels. Every so often, they might even call the person on it [This is often followed by “friendship Armageddon”] (more…)