Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

“I’m a Good Person and People Like Me”: No Stuart, You are King Deusche! (Shouting Part Two)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on June 3, 2010

 
 

No matter how often you say it, doesn't make it true!

Issues of Self: I’m OK [Though I’m really a hot-fucking mess]

It amazes me sometimes the things we will shout about ourselves in an effort to maintain the thin veil of our own sanity. Much like the bloated statements about how “fantisterastic” a relationship is, these statements are fraught with all sorts of fault lines, the smallest which can fracture at the slightest glimpse of its reflection. [Reflected image = Epic Sanity Fail]

That “glimpse” is what people fear most. To look in the mirror means having to admit that their fool-hearty attempt to pass the “I’m OK” test has been futile. [Fuck I need to fix my fixation with the “f”]. Acquaintances and new friends are often unaware of these cracks. They believe what the people say about themselves without too much questioning. Little do they know [I once taught a whole class on “Little did he know”1], each firm declaration of self is really a subconscious confession of the opposite.

Those a little closer to the precipice or within the inner circle are more astute observers and can adequately evaluate each “self-statement” for its “complete bullshit” levels. Every so often, they might even call the person on it [This is often followed by “friendship Armageddon”]

Take someone who I was pretty close to at one point [Her exit from my life is still a blog-in-process]. When sharing things about her personality, one thing she was pretty clear about was that she was a “people pleaser.” On the surface, she made edible treats for people close to her and did other assorted small gestures. But when you stripped away the surface layer, it didn’t talk very long to get to the “self-centered core”. In case you flunked basic critical thinking, self-centered does not equal people pleaser. Round peg, square hole. 2

At the time, Subject ‘A’ [To call her ‘former NDF” is a little too than obvious (oops)] had not talked to her own mother in almost a month because of something that had occurred in and around her 30th birthday. [FYI NDF (dropping the pretense), if you have stalked your way onto this blog entry, you might want to look away now…your reflection is just beyond these brackets]

Notice her lips never move...almost

The offense her mother committed? Well the offense isn’t really even relevant. Various “people pleaser” descriptions all speak of the same tendencies to, well, put others before one’s own needs. A people pleaser would be unlikely or even incapable [in pronounced cases] of punishing another person for a month by withdrawing the attention the other person desires. The people pleaser, in fact, would seek to resolve the issues quickly, possibly resorting to burying their own feelings to resolve the conflict. A people pleaser would try to make peace at all cost. They would not engage in a prolonged conflict.3

OK, maybe I am misinterpreting the source of the problem…except, there was ample evidence in other areas to dispel the “PP” illusion [Yeah, PP about sums it up]…like anger directed at someone for not meeting unreasonable expectations about “having dinner ready when she got home from the gym” [thankfully, not me].  

Once she admitted to being at fault in said expectations, she got angry again that the person was still upset with her and hadn’t fully accepted her apology. She perceived the other persons declining of the symbolic peace offering as being “punitive” [Kind of funny, considering not talking to someone for almost a month is pretty “punitive”]. I was with her when her sister acquiesced. She was actually a little ‘gloaty’ that she was right about her victim’s behavior. [Though, she was far from ‘right’ about any of this]4

To recap: Girl’s behavior is out of line. Victim is hurt and upset. Girl apologizes and offers peace. Victim declines to accept offering because they aren’t done being hurt. Girl gets angry that victim won’t accept peace offering. Girl gloats when victim finally accepts peace offering and capitulates.

Analysis: People pleaser score = ZERO!

She never acknowledged the other person had real feelings and those feelings were valid…at all. Instead, she imposed her own rules on what was acceptable for someone else’s reaction to her bad behavior. Her feelings were the only thing in the equation. People pleasers will often sacrifice their own feelings to validate the other person’s. She did the opposite.

One last example [And I could run off many]: we were attending a dance class together. During one session, an instructor jokingly criticized her [It was ill-timed and in poor taste]. A people pleaser might have complained to a third-party, but would have continued attending dance lessons in an attempt to please their partner. Instead, she refused to go [Which speaks a lot of her ability to take criticism]. She was still “stinging”. Nevermind the fact that I was left without a partner for the last few weeks of lessons.5

These are not actions of a people pleaser. They aren’t even in a people pleaser’s DNA. These actions are genetically disposed to those with narcissistic tendencies [If she is still stalking my blog, her head just exploded at reading that last sentence]. These actions eliminate others from the equation and leave only “self”.

Back to Facebook; Blogging/Facebook/Twitter and You

It isn’t horribly shocking that blogging on this particular topic brings us back to our sphere of influence. Nowhere is the shouting maxim more visible than on the internet. People consistently talk about themselves in ways that prove, more than anything, that they haven’t a fucking clue what they are talking about. Mathematically speaking, there is an inverse relationship between how strongly we claim it and veracity of said claim.

In some cases, we write an extended “I’m OK” blog. This is usually clear evidence that we are usually one disappointment away from complete nervous breakdown. Sometimes it’s an “I’ve been single for a while, but I’ve learned to be OK with it” blog [Is anyone ever REALLY OK with it?]6 In some cases, boy crazy girls will blog about taking a break from dating until their classes are over in June. The jury is still out on this one [Wink!Wink!].7

My former LDR prospect had a habit of using her blog as a way to process her thoughts and ideas. It was her way to deal with “being in her own head”. [She too may be stalking this blog, but we’ve already had this conversation and her head, in fact, went BLAMO!] She had a habit of over analyzing things and not being able to focus on the moment. [I am President of this club]

Personally, as long as you embrace your own propensity to overthink things, you can work with it. If it’s a part of you, learn to work with it. Trying to completely rewrite your mental script is a pointless exercise that leads into denial. Besides, true change only happens with honest talk.

She decided to attempt a rewrite of the script. One afternoon, her Facebook status read something like the following: “For the first time in my life, I am living in the moment and not in my own head. I know this because I zero urge to blog.”

OK, this is obvious shouting! She might as well have said, “I LOVE MY LIFE AND I’M NOT CRAZY. NO REALLY!  “  If she was really living in the moment, why did she need to shout it to 200 of your closest friends [Are our Facebook people really friends, or just 200 people we stalk in our spare time?].

Who was she trying to convince? Certainly not her closest friends because, well, that might involve an actual conversation…in person. GASP! In fact, I’m willing to bet that most of her readers would ask, “WTF are you talking about?” or quip, “That crazy LDR…she’s so cute being in her head and all.”

All of this ignores the obvious: STATUS UPDATES AND TWEETS ARE BLOGS IN MINIATURE! Her statement was a complete contradiction, proving that she was, in fact, SHOUTING!

I had the audacity to point this out8, which is part of why her friendship packed up and left town. Apparently, I had no idea what I was talking about and only saw wanted I wanted to see. Um, hello…is there anyone out there who wants to argue that Facebook and Twitter isn’t a form of blog-lite? Anyone? Anyone at all? Didn’t think so.

Exceptions to the rule: Probably not you!

I hesitate to include this part because, if you are currently an offender, this might prevent your head from exploding. It might give you the rationale you need to convince yourself that you are the exception, not the rule. To that I say, BULLSHIT. YOU ARE THE RULE.

How do I know? Because, you felt the need to defend why you were the exception, thus proving that you aren’t really convinced you aren’t the rule.

Wasn’t that some awesome trickeration?

There are people who occasionally post statements of joy and happiness online. These occasional posts can be authentic. However, if they are posting nonstop, they are the rule. If they sound like someone trying to convince you, they are the rule. If they are contradicting themselves, they are the rule.

And so are you…

But not me…I’M ENTIRELY WELL ADJUSTED AND I’M THE EXCEPTION! [See what I mean…if you know me at all, you know that this statement, like me, is entirely full of shit].

FYI, there will be one more part: Shouting to Get Into Your Pants and Other Misdirections

Footnotes:

  1. OK, so it was Dustin Hoffman’s character in Stranger Than Fiction who taught that class, but, if you aren’t reading this footnote, you will think I’m a professor. Silly lazy readers.
  2. She actually accused me of being one of the kindest, most generous people she had ever met?!?!? Has she met me? I am clearly a squarehole!
  3. I know I’m not a people pleaser because I like to be right!
  4. During this whole exchange and story, I was a little stunned by the selfishness of it all. It takes a lot of out selfish Mr. Only Child here!
  5. Interestingly enough, dance guy ran into her a few weeks back and she came up and shouted at him for being such an asshole. Yeah, people pleasers are all about “showdowns”.
  6. Did you really look at this footnote? Proof that you aren’t entirely OK with it. Don’t fret, not everyone can be cool like me [If you aren’t laughing, you get the #verbalironyfail award of the day]
  7. Hopefully WinkWink can laughlaugh and not go stabbystabby or shankyshanky!
  8. Regular readers can fill in the blank: I was being a _iant _hale _enis!

 

Note to mentioned stalkers:

I know at some point, both of you will read this because neither of you has the personality to look away very long when you know something is going to be about you. I know you may be hurt and angry, so I have two questions for you, “Why are you still reading? If I’m wrong, why do you care?”

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11 Responses

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  1. stineybean said, on June 4, 2010 at 2:53 am

    Exactly how do you manage to blow my mind all over my face? through blog-lite & “trickeration.” Well done!

    I agree with you on most points that without the knife of honesty, most declarations come off as futile attempts at a cover up. It is a grating experience! I know someone we call “Eeyore” because she’s always miserable, but at least she’s honest!

    • theteacher174 said, on June 4, 2010 at 3:22 am

      At least your Eeyore admits to being Eeyore. Mine shouts a lot…usually when drunk…and shorly before he starts a fight. I’m actually concerned because the last time i saw him, he thought it had been 11 months since we saw each other last. It had only been 2!

    • theteacher174 said, on June 4, 2010 at 3:30 am

      By the way, that may be the first blog comment to make me blush!

      • stineybean said, on June 4, 2010 at 4:06 pm

        I ought to give credit to Michael Ian Black for the phrase, “blow my mind all over my face.” Still, it’s not often a wordsmith is impressed, so blush away!

  2. Anonymous said, on June 4, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    So, does this mean by writing an extended “my ex is a hot mess blog” that they’re really just fine but you want them to be a hot mess? 😉

    • theteacher174 said, on June 4, 2010 at 4:25 pm

      Hmm. It’s a good question. Remember, likes (not opposites) attract according to psychologists. So maybe your ex is a hot mess, but your blog is really saying “So am I!”

      • Anonymous said, on June 4, 2010 at 5:53 pm

        My ex is a hot mess, and so am I, but I’m not YOUR ex… I’m a dude and I don’t blog, just a lurker. Sorry bro.

      • theteacher174 said, on June 4, 2010 at 6:12 pm

        Then you definitely are not my EX! But, lurk away. I approve

  3. Lost Plum said, on June 4, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    great post as always! 🙂

  4. Anonymous said, on June 4, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    “Say all you have to say in the fewest possible words, or your reader will be sure to skip them; and in the plainest possible words or he will certainly misunderstand them.” ~ John Ruskin

  5. I’m back … on the blog, and on the (meat) market. « *wink* *wink* *wink* said, on June 14, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    […] from Clue by Four talked about me! […]


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