Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Black Ops: The Motives and Protocols of Covert Shouting (Shout, part 3)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on June 14, 2010

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby, that’s all.

Army of Darkness 

By now I think we can all agree that most people, including ourselves, have been guilty of ‘shouting’ self-lies like “I LOVE MY LIFE AND EVERYONE IN IT!” For this behavior, the only person he/she is hurting is him/herself [For the rest of us, it provides great comic relief]1. Not all wounds caused by shouting are self-inflicted, however.  Sometimes, the other person is shouting at us.

We call this behavior “Covert Shouting” because it is almost always part of “black-ops” by the other person to misdirect or mislead us. It is shouting by design because, if he/she says it and you believe it, the mission can continue to its termination without further threat. Regardless of the nature of the mission [rapid infiltration or prolonged insurgency]2 or the context, the shouting “operative” does not have altruistic intentions.3

Dating Black Ops: “Shop Smart…Shop S-Mart”

As you read this blog, somewhere in the world, there are operatives in the field who are hunting soft targets in bars, night clubs, coffee houses [am looking at you WinkWink], and even online [well, everybody else]. Each mission has a different set of parameters. The end objectives, however, are always similar.  For men, the mission is “Search, Fuck and Destroy”. For women…well, I don’t know what their objective is because, well, I’m not one. [If I were to guess, the mission is possibly “Capture, Secure, and Neutralize”].

To accomplish either of these tasks involves a fair amount of dissembling and obfuscation [Though it probably shouldn’t]. Take Ash from Army of Darkness as a prime example of an adept agent. Knowing that people of this ancient land already view him as the chosen one, he decides now would be a good time to dip his “boom stick” in the company ink [I love purposely mixing metaphors]. The fair maiden comes from a time where a woman’s virginity was a prize for the man she married, the great love of her life. She resists. His flatteries are flash-bang grenades, disabling her ability to discern true intentions. Her inhibitions wobble; he goes weapons-hot; he gets weapons lock—Target destroyed.

You might, at this point, be wondering if I have been on “Black Ops” before? No, never. [If you believe this, you are missing the point of this blog. Also, please send me your phone number4] If you have followed my blog, you might be expecting me give you a detailed debriefing of one of my black ops…and I will…at the end. Yeah, I’m making you wait.

Back to Ash. It’s hard to say exactly what phrases he used to disable and unlock her chastity belt. All we have to go by is “Give me some sugar, baby!” [Which is one of the most awesome lines in all of movie history] However, there are some common phrases that men will shout in an effort of initiate Operation Spread Eagle, not the least of which is “I love you too.” [Reader participation: Please feel free to share some of your finest “shouts” in the comment section of this blog].

Women are no less guilty of this type of shouting, though it usually surrounds Operation Love Me, NOW! My favorite of these shouts is  “I’m not normally like this.” It is one of the few times I can translate Woman-Speak. What she’s really saying, “I’m really a dirty little slut at heart, but I don’t want you to think that.”

Dating Me is…Wait for It…LEGENDARY!: Countering black-ops!

No character on television embodies this ability to use aliases and subterfuge that Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother. In many episodes, we see him telling all sorts of tales to women wonderful things about himself [Often times a complete fabrication]. This behavior is not limited to the Barnacle and has become a network of mines and IED’s that need to be navigated by daters to find those few people to even consider for a date or two with.5

Understanding and avoiding these agents is a complex task because most people want to leave us with a good impression of themselves; these agents desire to blend in with and gain the trust of locals like you. How do we sort through the information and determine what is a genuine positive self-assessment and what is tactical shouting? Well, at great risk to my own operations, I have secretly acquired the mission briefing issued to every team member pre-first contact.6

BLACK OPS FIELD HANDBOOK

OPERATIONAL PROTOCOLS FOR OPERATION SPREAD EAGLE

(Protocols apply to all “Search, Fuck, and Destroy” or “Capture, Secure, and Neutralize” ops)

Operation Directive #1 – Master use of the phrase “I never…” or “I don’t believe in…”

  • Start with phrases like “I never cheat” and “I don’t believe in lying.” Most enemy combatants are sheep and will nod their head and smile. While simple logic dictates that everyone lies at some point in their lives [Santa Clause anyone?], hormones and attraction turn most people into a BAAAAAAAING blob of giggles and smiles [or, in the case of men, horny, grunting pigs] Simple statements like this will make them believe you actually stand for something noble.
  • [Note: Just because you say it, doesn’t mean you actually have to do it].
 
 
 

Connect with them emotionally!

Operation Directive # 2—Use “I hate…” statements to respond to statments he/she tells you so that it appears that you connect on an ethical and philosophical level.

  • Ask questions about exes, politics, or anything else that will cause the person to cause to talk about someone else’s bad behavior. It is preferable that this behavior still stings on some level and generates an immediate emotional response. Then use the “I hate…” statement to express your mutual disgust at the behavior and make an immediate emotional connection. Be sure to be animated when you use this statement. His/her momentary angst will be transferred into an important opening for you to further the “bond”.

Example:

Girl: My ex-boyfriend used to spend all day watching the Colts.

Agent: OMG, I hate men who do that! I don’t even watch football. He had this beautiful woman. What was he thinking. I don’t get it. I “never” do things like that.

Girl: I KNOW! Right?! [Wow, he really gets me. He understands.]

Agent: Seriously. I don’t get what is so special about Jim Caldwell’s Cover-2 defense anyway.7

Girl: [Too busy planning their future wedding to notice this obvious rookie mistake]

 
 
 

I am not a secret agent!

Operation Directive #3 – Acknowledge that you have flaws, but don’t ever admit to what any of them actually are.

  • Your target needs to believe you aren’t a secret agent [Even though you are]. The best way to do this is to gain their trust by simply saying, “Oh, I’m not perfect. I have my flaws.” It will ease his/her fears that you are just lying to them [Which you are].  If they try to pin you down on one or two, always say, “At times, I can be a little…but I’m not a secret agent.” Trust me, this will work.

Operation Directive #4 – Identify your flaws, then pre-frame them in a “One thing I’m not is…” statement.

  • Combatants are usually searching for the opposite of who YOU actually are. Therefore, when you know what your flaws are, you know exactly what the other person doesn’t want to hear. Use this to your advantage.
  • Express these in the appropriate frame, or variation of said frame. “One thing I’m not is a guy who is passive-aggressive.” [Following up this statement with a suggestive glance will sell the “sexy” aggressive portion]. The more things you claim to not be, the more attracted he/she will be because you are nothing like their ex [which you are undoubtedly a carbon copy of in all but the packaging].
  • Remember, claiming you are the opposite of your true self will make him/her completely vulnerable, opening the path to your final objective.

 

 

Trust Me...

Operation Directive #5 – Evade all requests for clarification. If you cannot no longer evade, use an “I’m going to be perfectly honest…” statement.

  • People generally assume that when you tell them you are going to tell them the truth, you will. What they fail to realize that this is merely a cover for “I’m going to lie my ass off right now…”. If you tell them you aren’t going to lie, you can lie blatantly and frequently. Other variations include, “In all honesty”; “Truthfully”; “The truth is” and many other forms of the same opening.

 

In this training video, Agent Bill Clinton shows demonstrates a combinations of all five protocols:

 But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I’m going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time; never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Generalissimo ClueXFour

 

Debriefing: Why are Black Ops so successful?

When we are attracted to someone, it is easy for us to turn off the BS Detector because we actually want to learn a bit about this person. He/She is intriguing, so we lower our defenses and awareness. We want to think that this person is playing fairly. The obvious is easy for us to overlook, which makes it effective. What we need to remember is this: If they were playing fairly, they wouldn’t need the qualifier for their statement. To restate: If they were playing fairly, they would not need to say “I’m playing fairly.”

Seeing that is the key to detecting any Black Ops Shout. Look for the qualifier.

 If they were going to tell you the truth, why would they need to draw your attention to the fact that they are telling you the truth. Aren’t people supposed to tell us the truth? Why do they have to say if they are telling the truth? It’s because the word “truth” makes it seem more valid.8

Also, look for statements that are designed to make you feel comfortable about some very real fear you have of dating the same kind of Crazy Train/DB you seem to date over-and-over again. Are they trying to let you know that they aren’t anything like your ex? Why do they feel the need to tell you?

To identify these rogue agents, you must listen and pay attention. It isn’t hard to blow their cover.

 

JD at 22

Repeatable Ops: On the Front Lines with JD [TMI Warning for personal information revealed. Read at your own risk]

OK, so I promised to tell you about my absolute best/worst example of using Black Ops to blur my real intentions; and I don’t break my promises [Did you see how I did that right there?]. Now remember, this happened 15-years ago and I am nothing like this now [Are we catching on yet?]. I absolutely hate who I was back then. [Simple but effective].

In both cases, I was parked in a secluded area with someone I had previously misled and fucked over. In each case, this was a different someone.

As I was busy seducing them, there came to a point where it was nearing “go” time. Both women put a halt to things and said something close to the following: “I’m not sure we should do this. I used to have strong feelings for you and I’m afraid, if we do this, I’ll get feelings for you again.”

My response, nodding my head in reassurance: “No, I completely understand. I might have feelings for you too. We need to do this to find out.”

You would think that they both would have identified my tactic and demanded to be taken home. You would, in fact, be wrong.

But, that was 15-years ago. To be honest, I may be many things; but, one thing I’m not is a giant whale penis. [Sucker!]

Footnotes:

  1. Like stalker #1 who, according to tracker on one of my friend’s blogs, has not only stalked me, but has been on her blog as well. It amuses me that you are so predictable. Do yourself a favor and go away…we can see you.
  2. Women are more likely to engage in prolonged insurgency. Men, well, if they’ve stayed more than a week, it’s probably too long.
  3. Tricking someone into liking you is not altruistic, no matter how cool you are.
  4. Send it care of ICantBelieveThatActuallyWorked@Gmail.WTF.WOW
  5. Unfortunately, many of these dates are booby trapped.
  6. Who says I’m not looking out for you?
  7. Head Coach of Indianapolis Colts [Holy crap, an informative footnote…I must be losing my touch]
  8. “Honesty” has an equal amount of power.
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4 Responses

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  1. Lisa said, on June 14, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    One good thing about being divorced is… I’m on to all y’all!!!

    (at least, I think I am).

  2. KLZ said, on June 15, 2010 at 2:15 am

    A critique for you to use as yousee fit on your missions: the phrase “this beautiful woman” as in “he had this beautiful woman…” is a big red flag for bs.

    Well, if she’s smart. Or paying attention at all.

    Wait, I see my mistake.

    • theteacher174 said, on June 15, 2010 at 5:02 am

      Nice! Yes, I would agree. “this” is a property word when used in that context.

      Sadly, not enough women see through that BS.

  3. […] footnote 6, these events [see last section] occurred long before the conversation depicted […]


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