Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

For All Your Dating Needs: Ask an Asshole if You Want Useful Advice!


People don’t hide who they are. It is we who choose the glasses through which we filter their image.
 
 
 
 

–ClueXPhilosopher

 

In the my earlier incarnation as a “concrete cowboy” [My term for “Urban Cowboy” is way better], there were certain services that I provided to my female friends that merited the printing of business cards. No, not THOSE services [I was a douche, but that would have made me a King Kong Mega douche1]. At the time, one of the things I was known for was being a good listener and providing sound ClueXFour-style advice.2  These cards said, “Resident Cowboy Psychologist.”

Make no mistake, I was not the “nice guy” who didn’t get laid. Most of those women who came to me were those I had plans to sleep with in the near future or had already slept with and planned to again at some point in time if I needed a booty call.3

Whatever my intentions were, women came to me because I hit them upside with the brutal truth [In my old age, I have learned a little tact. I prepare them…then I brain them with the truth]. Women didn’t come to me for sympathy. They came to me when they needed someone to shoot straight with them.

They came to me when they needed an asshole.

Why Women Need “A Few Good Assholes”

One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that “He wasn’t like that when we met.” At the point of breakup, they aren’t ready for the truth: Yes, he was always that way, you just opted not to see it. [She is even less likely to believe the truth before she actually sees it, multiple times, with witnesses, documentation, video evidence, and a confession].

I am of the opinion that no one is truly fooled; it’s just easier to remain on “Denial Island” as long as possible. The reality is that people are always who they are and always who they will be. For those who know what to look for, it’s far easier to see. Who better to spot an asshole than another asshole?

Men know all they need to know about another man within seconds of first meeting him. We don’t need lengthy introductions or life stories to make an evaluation. We already know because who they are is often so obvious, it’s blinding. Think starting at the sun…that’s how easy it is for one man to see the bullcrap in another man.

Why do many women hold onto this illusion that the tan line on his finger is from a tiny band aid? That’s  a damn good question. Something about attraction has that effect on a woman’s analytical ability and judgment [Higher levels of attraction = Flat line in logic/reason cortex]4

Even Penn and Teller knew this guy was a DB

Take this girl I know from dancing [aka, Bad Dancer]. One night, she brought a guy with her that she had only known for a few days. He was a marine who was being transferred in a week to Washington. Had she asked the “Asshole” [aka me], I would have told her what I realized the moment she introduced him. He was an AAA-Grade Asshat.

Since she was too preoccupied to talk, I expressed my concerns to her best friend, also female. I was rebuffed. “He’s a really good guy,” she said [Though she also barely knew him]. This opinion was shared by a few of her other female friends too, which clearly shows that they were all a poor judge of character [and that he was cute enough to block the BS filters of most women in a 60-foot radius].

Undeterred, I formulated a more detailed analysis to discover the source of my “vibe.” All it took was her going inside to dance for me to see it clearly. He was absolutely useless the moment she left the patio. Sitting on the lawn furniture looking pathetic, he made no attempt to make new friends and no attempt to interact.

Puppy-dog waiting is not the symbol of a viable mate, plus it has a time limit before it moves into the next logical stage: obsessive shadowing. Basically, for the rest of the night, wherever she went, he followed. When she was talking to friends, he was hovering off her left shoulder. When she was dancing, he sat along the rail and watched her dance.5 He was all about her because he was incapable of being about anything else. Even when I tried to interact with him, it had about the same result as my shouting at the Twitter birds to “Drop The Fucking Whale Already”.

I went back to the best friend to lobby again, explaining that the guy was clingy and obsessive and this was going to end very badly. Once again, my opinion was dismissed. I went to the source and explained my conclusions, also to be rebuffed.

By the end of the week, they were in a relationship. Three weeks later, she spent money to go see him in Washington. Three weeks after that, he was calling her a thoughtless bitch because she wouldn’t sell her condo, quit her job, and move to Washington so they could be together because, shock of all shocks, “he couldn’t live without her!”

Thankfully, she was smart enough to dump his ass before it got any worse [and trust me, it would have gotten far…far…worse; abuse often starts as insecure obsession]. The best friend approached me a week later with the “you were right” look of defeat [Trust me, this never…ever…ever gets old]. Furthermore, BOTH women were now asking all sorts of questions about how I knew and if I could use my radar for future identification.6

 
 
 

Maverick was clearly an Asshole!

Ask Not What You Can Do For Your Asshole; Ask What Your Asshole Can Do For You!

See, it’s that simple. Women, if you are in doubt, simply find your nearest asshole and ask them whether or not you should be dating the DB who is currently hitting on your sister at the bar [You would think this one was obvious to the woman in question…you would be wrong].

The scene should look something like this [Relatively true story]:

Typical Friend [crying]: OMG JD, I can’t believe Standard Douchebag broke up with me. That’s the third boyfriend whose dumped me in the last three months. WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

JD [amused, but not shocked that she fails to see the obvious]: Let me ask you a question TF. [She sniffles] When did you first sleep with this guy?

TF: The first night we were together.

JD [again not surprised by her lack of inductive reasoning]: And the other guys…

TF: The first night

JD: Hmmm. Do you see a pattern here? [SMACK]7

TF: You think so…Hmm, there is someone else I’m interested in, can you meet him right now? [Pointing at random guy over at the bar]

JD [Still not surprised]: That one over there? Hmmm. Nope, don’t need to. He’s an absolute prick!

TF: REALLY ?!?!?!? How do you know?

JD: [I do not recall the actual reasons I gave, but they had something to do with body language and the way he was talking to another woman]. See. There are plenty of reasons that guy is an asshole and trust me, I would know!

TF: Wow, thanks. I’ll be careful and take it slow [And, to her credit, she did slow it down…she slept with him the following morning. At least it’s progress. Oh, he dumped her about a month later]8.

I Can’t Handle the Truth…But if I Could, How do I know My Asshole is Telling It To Me?

If you have been reading my blogs, you might be asking yourself: “But don’t you believe every guy wants to sleep with me? How can I trust what he is saying to be truth?”

Two things: 1. I’ve said every guy WILL, not necessarily that they WANT to sleep with you; [And if I said it wrong before, please let me know so I can go back and edit what I meant to say] 2. You can’t trust HIM, but might be able to trust the information. [I can already see you scratching your head at this].

It is the type and specificity of the information that will determine its veracity and whether your asshole is speaking from the heart or the crotch. Rest assured, he still will sleep with you and may be actively trying to. But, if the information contains observations of specific behaviors [as described above in the story of bad dancer], then you can trust the “information.” You need not worry about your asshole’s motives. The information is sound because:

  1. Detailed information means that he has clearly and rapidly done a thorough analysis. The asshole only needs a little input to see the glaring shortcomings of another man.
  2. The asshole often recognizes his own past/present behaviors in the other person, so he will have an intimate knowledge of what he’s talking about. He is not just quoting pop psychology. He knows through experience, which is why he can see things so quickly.
  3. Behaviors that mask character flaws are also his specialty because, well, he has to mask his own, so he knows what works.

Conversely, you can identify false or misleading information because it lacks specificity and utilizes weak generalizations [Not all generalizations are fallacies]. This is because the asshole sees no legitimate red flags and, instead, is just trying to keep you available for his own needs [Which may be either a girlfriend or a paper towel]. He thinks that by simply suggesting the person is bad for you, it will sway your opinion and keep you from going down the wrong path. Examples look something like the following [any resemblance to IRL persons is entirely comedic]:

  • “He’s utterly wrong for you. You can’t trust a single guy with a cat!” [@turnjacson I am a cat guy…wait, nevermind! I clearly can’t be trusted]
  • “He just looks shady, kind of like every character Steve Buscemi has ever played.”
  • “That’s the type who will talk to himself in the mirror. I just know it.” [Clearly not me…and by not, I mean IS]
  • “Guys like him are always doing stuff that…it’s bad stuff. I don’t know exactly what…I just know.”
  • “Guys who like Wagner are total tools.”9
  • “That’s Tiger Woods.”

 

Clearly this guy has no idea what he’s talking about and is just attempting to derail you so that he continues to get a clear shot at you [if he ever chooses to take it]. Remember, vague analysis equals complete BS, while detailed analysis means the person may be BS, but the information is not.

 
 
 
 

This picture is dedicated to @turnjacson

How Do I Find the Right Asshole For Me?

Asking an asshole is not as simple as grabbing the first guy wearing Hollister, Abercrombie, or American Eagle [though these are good clues]. Here are a few types which will provide the appropriate information with at least a reduced chance of making a pass at you when you are drunk10:

  • Gay assholes [For obvious reasons. Remember, assholes transcend sexual preference]11
  • Blogger/Twitter assholes [Many of us offer this service free of charge! And, while we may still want to sleep with you, we can’t really do much about it from 1000 miles away. Besides, we think that shooting straight and being right in the meantime will contribute to future nakedness should we ever actually meet. More likely than not, we are telling the truth.]
  • Professional Asshole [For example, an athletic trainer see Now I Just Need a Sweet Trenchcoat]
  • Your BFF’s Asshole [preferably married; a great candidate. He may harbor secret fantasies of you and his wife that would make a porn star blush, but he is not going to go out of his way to cockblock another guy. Though, after they divorce/break up, all bets are off]
  • Elitist Asshole [These assholes think they are superior and actually enjoy getting in the way of another guys game for no other reason than they are right, and they can].
  • Narcissistic Asshole In-Cognito [He is only a viable candidate if his sleeping with you will cause him copious amounts of drama and untold embarrassment and shame. This will trump his biological drive This sometimes describes BFF’s asshole, but not always].
  • A Nicehole [Shameless self promotion. But yeah, I offer that service. You can thank me later. 😉 ]

 Footnotes:

  1. OK, maybe I am, but for other reasons.
  2. I had a lot of people fooled about the listening thing. I still might…
  3. This clearly proves footnote 1.
  4. It functions about the same in men as well.
  5. FYI, sitting and watching your date dance all night is P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!
  6. You may, at this point, be wondering if I was trying to sleep with Bad Dancer. In this case, absolutely not. I already had.
  7. In retrospect, I think I have the tact thing backwards. Now, I might just say, “Because you’re a filthy whore?” [I would not actually say this…though I cannot guaranteed it won’t be implied]
  8. Per footnote 6, these events [see last section] occurred long before the conversation depicted above.
  9. Look it up. Tristan und Isolde was written, in part, about his mistress. Nice #marriagefail Wagner. Years later, when the opera was in actual production, Wagner was banging his conductor’s wife [with whom he fathered a CHILD?!?!?] Nice #keepitinyourpantsfail. See, Wagner = Tool.
  10. I said “reduced”
  11. Even this is no guarantee that he won’t someday try [Usually tanker trucks of alcohol are involved].
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11 Responses

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  1. Miss Alpha said, on June 24, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    /Men know all they need to know about another man within seconds of first meeting him./

    Women can know, too, if they PAY ATTENTION. I expect a follow up on this topic… 😉

    • theteacher174 said, on June 24, 2010 at 10:50 pm

      I’ll see what I can come up with! ;-). BTW, women have the same power with other women too. You know when you are introduced to another woman whether you want to shank them or be their BFF (only to shank them later).

  2. Deanna Leigh said, on June 24, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Brilliant. F*%king Brilliant.

  3. Lisa said, on June 24, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    I concur with Deanna… frakkin’ brill.

    Now, please excuse me… I need to go break it off with an Asshole par excellence.

  4. KLZ said, on June 25, 2010 at 1:12 am

    Eh, I married the asshole. Why date or sleep with any of the guys not being honest with me.

    How honest is my husband? So much that if I say “Does this make me look fat” hald the time he says “I think you’d better change.”

    And for the record, all women, no matter their weight, ask if things make them look fat.

    • theteacher174 said, on June 25, 2010 at 1:17 am

      You are a rare find who brings much joy to my comment feed. :-). Outstanding choice! You seem very happy from what I can tell (I know because you don’t “shout” about it. Lol. )

  5. stineybean said, on June 25, 2010 at 1:14 am

    Excellent work as usual, and a fine job of using the word “lobby.”

  6. victoriamoss said, on June 25, 2010 at 8:21 am

    *sigh
    I liked it better when I was convinced every guy WANTED to sleep with me.
    I have been told I’m a terrible chooser. It’s obvious I need to find myself an Asshole to hang out with me… and because I’m a terrible chooser, I hope I don’t choose the wrong Asshole to help me out.

    No, seriously great post.

    Does this comment make me look fat? (KLZ)

  7. Kelly said, on June 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Seriously? A reverse tan line on the ring finger was from a band-aid? Ok, you know some seriously “in-denial” women. They can’t be that stupid.

    I used to make excuses for asshole behavior, I admit. But then I realized when he wants you as a girlfriend it is obvious. Everything else is just messing with you.

    Nice post!

  8. Something She Dated said, on June 27, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Miss Alpha is right…we can spot them too…however I wouldn’t have gotten all the extra details you gathered…I knew this dude was a dick the moment you said “Marine” (sorry for the stereotype…and ps…I heart marines anyway so some how that makes it okay) and “transferred”…

    Wish you lived here so you could be my favorite asshole


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