Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Winning the Yankees Way: Life Lessons Learned from George Steinbrenner

(Any resemblance to persons real or fictional is entirely incidental, except those people who are actual Yankees. As for the stuff, if you think I’m talking about you…you might want to consider why you feel that way. If you think I’m talking about someone else…you might want to consider coming back from “Denial Island”)

Mason (Sean Connery): Are you sure you’re ready for this? [walks up staircase]

Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage): I’ll do my best.

Mason: [stops and motions back to Goodspeed] Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!

As a Yankees fan, I have a particular bias to all things pinstripes. I truly believe that my team exhibits the best in any and all things, which is why so many other teams try to be like us or are simply just jealous. [I hear your objections and I scoff! if your team spent the kind of money ours does to try and win, you would not be complaining]

Of course, over the years, I’ve been trained to think that by George Steinbrenner. But, considering my personality and behavior, is it really any shock that I’ve spent the last twenty-four years proudly wearing the NY in my daily life?1

My personality is naturally drawn to teams like the Yankees. They exhibit all the qualities that an alpha-Jock Dork like me strives to incorporate in my own life. I may be genetically disposed to root for the Bronx Bombers. But, I have also been shaped by lessons taught by George Steinbrenner and his ownership of the Yankees.

 Over the next few days, I will be sharing a few of those lessons that I may have learned from Steinbrenner [I acknowledge that I may have learned some of these elsewhere as well]. These lessons apply to business, friendships, relationships, and life in general.

Today’s lesson: Winning.

(more…)

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For All Your Dating Needs: Ask an Asshole if You Want Useful Advice!

People don’t hide who they are. It is we who choose the glasses through which we filter their image.
 
 
 
 

–ClueXPhilosopher

 

In the my earlier incarnation as a “concrete cowboy” [My term for “Urban Cowboy” is way better], there were certain services that I provided to my female friends that merited the printing of business cards. No, not THOSE services [I was a douche, but that would have made me a King Kong Mega douche1]. At the time, one of the things I was known for was being a good listener and providing sound ClueXFour-style advice.2  These cards said, “Resident Cowboy Psychologist.”

Make no mistake, I was not the “nice guy” who didn’t get laid. Most of those women who came to me were those I had plans to sleep with in the near future or had already slept with and planned to again at some point in time if I needed a booty call.3

Whatever my intentions were, women came to me because I hit them upside with the brutal truth [In my old age, I have learned a little tact. I prepare them…then I brain them with the truth]. Women didn’t come to me for sympathy. They came to me when they needed someone to shoot straight with them.

They came to me when they needed an asshole. (more…)

Black Ops: The Motives and Protocols of Covert Shouting (Shout, part 3)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on June 14, 2010

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby, that’s all.

Army of Darkness 

By now I think we can all agree that most people, including ourselves, have been guilty of ‘shouting’ self-lies like “I LOVE MY LIFE AND EVERYONE IN IT!” For this behavior, the only person he/she is hurting is him/herself [For the rest of us, it provides great comic relief]1. Not all wounds caused by shouting are self-inflicted, however.  Sometimes, the other person is shouting at us.

We call this behavior “Covert Shouting” because it is almost always part of “black-ops” by the other person to misdirect or mislead us. It is shouting by design because, if he/she says it and you believe it, the mission can continue to its termination without further threat. Regardless of the nature of the mission [rapid infiltration or prolonged insurgency]2 or the context, the shouting “operative” does not have altruistic intentions.3

(more…)

Thinking Inside-the-Box; or, NiceHole: Graphing What Women Really Want

[Disclaimer: There may be copious amounts of ego on display in this blog. Yeah, that’s how I roll].

I have been asked on more than one occasion what type of guy I consider myself (twice recently) on my own scale of nice-guy v. asshole.  If you are unfamiliar with my theory (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret that most women don’t even realize.

For those of you who know me, this is not a criticism on what any of you may think of me one way or the other [Though sometimes I’m amused at what people think of me]2. Some think I am the pinnacle of warm, sweet, and caring behavior, while others think that when I sing the words, “I’m an asshole, and proud of it,”1 never truer words have been spoken [thankfully they love me anyway].

I like to think that I am what all women want. OK, before you say, “Holy crap! Talk about ego!” let me explain because this assumption is loosely based upon what little I understand about women [Although, I am, in fact, full of myself and understand nothing about women]. It is not me, specifically, that women want. It is the relative balance between good guy and complete prick which is what women most desire.

Women really want a NiceHole. [This portmanteau sounded like a far better combination of NG and AH than NiceAss, AssNice, AssGuy, GuyAss, GuyHole, HoleGuy]3

Background Info

Women talk about nice guys like they are some sort of endangered species. Some common associations include: “All the good ones are taken…”  “Why can’t I find someone who will treat me decently?” “Where are all the nice guys?” The way women talk about it, any day now I expect to cover story for National Geographic to be, “The Lost Civilization of Nice Guy.”4

Now, I personally don’t believe the “nice guy” exists as advertised anyway [Again, refer back to the “Nice Guy Conundrum” for details]. To summarize for the lazy among you, these “nice” guys are hoping to get laid as much as the next guy; they are just too pussy to go out and get it. [If you are a lazy reader, refer to the graph in place of the upcoming math-related section]

Furthermore, women don’t want this guy anyway, no matter what they tell you. I repeat WOMEN DON’T WANT THIS GUY ANYWAY! The reason is simple: Women don’t like floor mats and everyone who is associated with the label “nice guy” is a floor mat. Is there an exception? Sure. However, this is a woman who has made her man buy “special sheets” so she can show her lack of respect for him in a Golden Fountain of ways. [Sadly, this floor mat used to be one of my friends] Of course what these exception women won’t tell you is this: They are fantasizing about a much stronger man [In her case…me.]5

So, why do women pursue the asshole? It comes down to a matter of confidence. Women love confidence, no matter if it comes in 99% Distilled Douchebag form. Confidence turns all women on. I repeat Confidence turns ALL women on! It can be false confidence, over compensation confidence, or real, genuine “I kick ass!” confidence. The type doesn’t matter. Women want it and they are often willing to be trampled on, insulted, and mistreated to get it. [Maybe someday I’ll explain why assholes continue to flourish, though I guarantee women won’t like the answer]7.

The Happy Medium

So, when it comes down to it, the ideal guy for most women is one who has balance, roughly equal parts nice guy/asshole. They want a guy who can, and often is, a decent human being. At the same time, he must also have a backbone, be able to hold his own against her, and even have a little swagger. Sometimes, he even can be a relatively assholish, as long as the behavior isn’t prolonged or egregious.

You know it women, this is what you want. And these guys are out there, though in relatively short supply.  

Let us quantify this a bit. [Warning: Math Content Ahead. Yes, I am a nerd and actually created a graph]

Think of it like a graph with Nice Guy on the X-Axis and Asshole on the Y-Axis. [The best part is, I’ve done the graphing for you…with shading and labels!] Plot the graph from the origin through X,Y coordinates that are equal [1,1; 2,2…10,10]. This is called the NiceHole Equivalency Ratio Axis.  If a guy’s personality falls around the line, he is considered equal parts Nice Guy and Asshole.

Now perfect equality is rare. However, there are guys who hover the line within a certain range most of the time. These are the ideal selections for most women.

If a guy is too far above the line, he is far more asshole than nice guy. Granted, he will have buttloads of women to choose from [yes, buttloads!]. Someone too far below the line is spineless and usually only useful for wiping your feet on. He will have anti-buttloads of women available to him.8

This is not an exact science because there are two other limits that should act as disqualifiers. If you look at the graph, you will see two vertical lines. Women should disqualify everyone to the left of the Zero-Personality Threshold. Sure, a guy who register 3,3 on the scale might have equal halves. However, they will also have the personality of a banana slug.

People above the axis line to the left of the ZPT are all those guys you’ve dreamed of turning into your personal floor mat.

Likewise, a person beyond 7,7 would be equally balanced. However, this is what we like to call the Batterer Alert Threshold. Anyone who knows anything about abusive relationships will always say the following: “Yes, I know it can get really bad…but when it’s good, it’s SOOOOOO good.” This is not a shock because their superior-level of asshole is interchangeable with an equal level of nice guy. Some, below the axis, still have some nice guy in them, but it is far too little to compensate for being giant testicle.

Ideally, women want to find men inside the four boundaries. Men should, in turn, strive to do their best to be inside the box [Yes boys and girls, being “outside the box” is sometimes a bad thing].

NiceHoles in the Wild: What does this look like anyway and how do I get me some?

I was going to try to get away without having to think up examples of what this actually looks like because it really is hard to quantify. However, I think I can give you some “ideas” of the type of guy he is and some ideas of what he is not.

A NiceHole will be there for you when you truly need it. If you are having a crisis, a NiceHole will be available for you to lean on, cry on, and rely on. However, while the floor mat will always be there, the NiceHole will recognize when you are abusing this privilege and will inform you of such [This involves communication, not the typical passive-aggressive response, which is to simply be unavailable. P-A = Asshole]. The NiceHole is strong enough to follow up with action and tell you no. You may hate him for this, but, ultimately, a firm NO when you are out of line creates the perfect paradox. You are infuriated, yet turned on how strong he is. [Sadly, the Asshole will simply call you a bitch. Even sadder, it will still turn some of you on].

A NiceHole will hold his ground in an argument. This does not mean that he spends the whole time trying to prove that “you are wrong”. He may be wrong and, at some point, will freely admit to it, though not necessarily at that moment. Unlike the “Nice Guy”, the NiceHole does not simply give in and roll over. This will infuriate you, and turn you on. But, at least, in his arguments, he won’t call you stupid or any other name that is designed to insult you and hurt your feelings. [Name Calling = Asshole, though sadly, this will also turn some of you on.]

A NiceHole will attempt to listen to you, but will freely admit that he cannot completely follow some of your conversations because they are rapid, fast-paced, and there is only so much he can hear about “Gray’s Anatomy” before his head explodes. But, at least the NiceHole makes a good effort. The asshole doesn’t ever care [Sadly…turn on!] and the “nice guy” is only listening while imagining you naked.

These are but a few examples.

Getting in Touch with Your Inner NiceHole: Self-Assessment

To determine where you fall on the graph requires a self-assessment…honest self-assessment. You should also take into consideration the input of friends, who will often lie to you, and exes, who will often despise you. Mix it together and come up with the end result.

Where you take it from there, is up entirely to you. I wish I could offer specific advice on how to better behave like one, but each person’s level of self-regulation is different.

That is for you to figure out.

As for me, some of you may think I’m amazing and others think I’m an arrogant prick. Yes, yes I am.

I’m a NiceHole. Nice to meet you.

Footnotes:

  1. Thank you Dennis Leary.
  2. NDF was shocked, in fact, when I sang “Asshole” for karaoke one night. In her fantasy reality, I was this incredible, straight-laced guy who was the most awesome person ever. The first time she heard me swear, she made me repeat it because she didn’t believe I had said it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have you met me?
  3. It is also a great pickup line for Men, Women, Straight and Gay. “What’s up…Nice Hole!”
  4. Historical records show that the “Civilization of the Nice Guy” was lost after it was invaded by the French. See folks, even the French can whup up on a nice guy.
  5. They only started dating because she was hoping to make me jealous. I wouldn’t give her the time of day because we all called her a succubus [Do you need any more proof than “special sheets”?]6
  6. BTW, I still hate you Diablorobotica for forcing the rest of us to have this horrible visual as well.
  7. You were warned: Assholes exist because there are always plenty of women to put up with it. Thus, the majority of complete pricks are not motivated to change because they can ALWAYS get laid somewhere. [I am not saying this is right…just that it is] If women wanted to rid the world of assholes, they would have to unite as one against Tryassany. How likely is that to happen? [I’ll blog upon this some other time]
  8.  Anti-buttloads = Women in naked magazines and Anime.

Preventing Disaster: Honest Evaluation is Essential to Prevent Starting an Ill-Fated LDR

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 18, 2010

The connection seems a little fuzzy on my end

“Why do all these quotes sound like a bad greeting card [ www.lovingfromadistance.com/quotes.html] ?”  –Me, 5/18/10

Recently, I had an opportunity to rekindle a relationship with an ex with whom I had some strong ties a little over five years ago. She contacted me via Facebook and we started talking extensively. It was like old times, new times, good times, and great times.

But, the thing was, she was not coming back this way anytime soon, if ever. Her current job was almost 1000 miles away and future job prospects reached out over 3000 miles.  We talked about the possibility of a LDR and exactly what that might look like.

To make an LDR successful, both parties have to be active participants. A great deal of effort is required to keep both people’s emotional needs taken care of, especially when other needs are lacking. There are even complete guides on how to make one work at wiki-how and askmen.com, to name a few.

So, those of you who are aware of my continued singleness might wonder, “what happened?” and might be expecting to read a blog about her going “crazy train” on me. The truth is, I came to the realization of one simple fact that makes an LDR unsustainable for me:

I’m far too selfish to participate in an LDR. [I know the whole “It’s not you, It’s me” conversation is usually bullshit. But, yeah, it’s me]1

Here are some tips for being in an LDR that, frankly, I just don’t see myself ever being truly into [taken from the two websites linked above]:

Do Things Together and Go On Dates: Watch TV shows together, or movies simultaneously.

  • OK, I’ve done this in local relationships via text message and, frankly, I found it annoying then. Sure, if there is something really funny or amazing, I might send out a text to someone saying “Did you see that?” However, replicating the in-person experience is just downright cumbersome and, frankly, annoying. Can you imagine being on a phone during a movie? [I’ve seen this]
  • Besides, there are just some experiences I can’t share…like live comedy or live theatre. Can you imagine texting during Wicked [I’ve seen people doing this too. They were also wearing flip-flops and shorts]

Schedule communication:

  • I have enough trouble scheduling communication with someone who is local. I’ve usually got a lot going on and am easily distracted.
  • OK, that sounds like an excuse and it would be, if I wasn’t acknowledging the following fact: I choose to have a lot going on and am happy with most of those choices. I generally enjoy my travels and activities.
  • I’m good at touching bases via text/e-mail. However, for most people, this is not extensive contact, nor relationship nurturing communication [These days, I’d rather blog than write a long e-mail to someone. Good grief, what does that say about me].

Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart:

  • This works when you are talking about reading a book or listening to music. But, it kinda defeats the purpose of me when I can’t be in the physical presence of the person I seek to share these interests with.
  • I want to see facial expressions and other body language. It’s just not the same experience and, frankly, though my imagination is a powerful thing, it’s not even close to the same [If your common interests include frequent sex…good luck with that].

Learn Discipline and Delayed Gratification3:

  • I’m far to impulsive. Delayed gratification is so not me.
  • Yes, in other areas of my life, I’ve learned a little self-control and discipline [for five, maybe ten whole minutes]. I’ve learned patience, for example, when it comes to reasonably sized purchases [for five, maybe ten whole days].
  • In my professional life, I work very hard to gain long term results. Still, I like to see immediate progress.
  • But, yeah, I’m impulsive and spontaneous.

These are just a few of the ideas for having an LDR. I know I do not speak for everyone. So, if any of my readers or tweeters gets any notions about an LDR, you might want to check out sites like: http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/

Yeah, I looked. I so don’t want to read that either. But, like I said, I’m just not cut out for this gig. Maybe you aren’t either.

I'm almost assistant manager of plumbing fixtures.

Footnotes:

  1. I suppose one could make an argument that I just wasn’t that into her. Well, technically, that would be correct. But, at a distance of 1000 miles, I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever been with I would be “that into”. Though, I suppose it’s theoretically possible.2
  2. And I could theoretically cure cancer too.
  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There is such a thing? Come on…you guys don’t have this skill either.4
  4. No really. If our society was founded on delayed gratification, we wouldn’t by $500,000 homes because we got a raise at the Piggly Wiggly.

Missed Connections: And You Call Lloyd Dobler a Stalker?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 13, 2010

“I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere? ”  — Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

If you’ve ever seen it, you will never forget the image of Lloyd Dobler outside Diane Court’s room, boom box aloft, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes…” in the air. How can any of us who grew up on a steady diet of 80s teen angst-romance movies ever forget it? Was there ever a more romantic gesture [Yes, I thought about doing this at least one time…but, so did you].123

How did he  get her in the first place? He picked up a telephone and introduced himself. The key here is actual human conversation, followed by a direct request to meet, followed by action, followed by a request to go on a date. It’s a pretty simple mathematical formula that produces results.4 However, results are not always positive, which is why many people observe from a far, hide in the shadows, and fantasize about their own version of Diane Court. It is easier to believe in the “possibility” of someone than to actual do something to get them.

Some, thanks to a good helping of passive-aggressive in their psyche, will even find their ways onto the back pages of the OC Weekly or a website called “Missed Connections”, where they can “reach out” to that person they just can’t stop thinking about [Though, calling it screaming out seems more appropriate].

Example 1 [plus commentary]:

You: very pretty girl with dark hair who seems like a serious runner, which I admire [sure you do]. So few people seriously work out at the gym-but you were… Booking! [What lazy ass gym does he hang out at?]

Me: ran next to you, blonde guy, also booking. [Dude, it’s the treadmill]

Did I mention you were gorgeous?  Hopefully it’s not too late for you to actually hear it [WTF?]. Guess there’s a chance I’ll run into you–or by you, again there [Dude, it’s the TREADMILL…you don’t run by anyone]!

Analysis: Now, I had hoped he was talking about running on a track, with would have at least given him some credibility. But then I realized it had to be the treadmill because he was running “next to her.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong here, but a strange guy running next to you on the track for a prolonged period of time, not saying anything, has got to be a little bit creepy. More importantly, most ladies don’t go to the gym to meet guys anyway [As much as we like to look at them, they don’t actually want to talk to us. The gym, for a woman, is business5]. (more…)

EX Happens: On Getting Italian Jobbed…

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s never to mess with mother nature, mother in-laws and, mother freaking Ukrainians.” Skinny Pete, from The Italian Job

As The Engagement Project moves forward [assuming that’s what happens] in her relationship after a short break, I got to thinking about a situation earlier this year where I was preparing to move forward on a relationship of my own with someone I had been seeing for about six weeks or so. She was a 41-year-old Italian single-mom who had a successful career, was intelligent and was a great deal of fun to be around. I liked her a lot and, when she brought up wanting to take the next step in our relationship, I was looking forward to getting together to have that conversation [Why is it that some people insist on handling relationship changing conversations via text?]. Little did I know I was about to get Italian Jobbed!1

The jobbing took place in and around Valentine’s Day weekend. [VDay + Love Interest JD with no babysitter + Local Meat Market + Large Amounts of Alcohol + Ex-Boyfriend = Bad decisions]

(more…)

Premajure Ejunkulation (Bar Girls and Crazy Trains): You want me to stick it where?!?!

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating, WTF? by Wingnut on April 28, 2010

There is a great deal of irony in the way men and women prematurely ejunkulate1. As mentioned earlier in “Exposing Your Junk”, men seem to think that women like to see pictures of their junk via text messages a mere four hours after meeting. This is largely based on the following flawed logic: I am a visual person and I like naked women/Therefore women must want to see naked me [Note: A successful logic argument needs at least THREE parts to be plausible…men tend to skip a step]2.

Interestingly enough, men would welcome this kind of ejunkulation from women they just met [In fact, they are secretly hoping you will send them]3. Men are quick to gloss over the fact that this type of behavior is equally crazy. This is because men are thinking, “Hey, I have a new naked picture on my phone.” Still, women you just met aren’t usually in the habit of sending them.  Instead, women tend to expose their crazy with their words…much to the dismay of the horny guy involved.

Now, to be clear, this crazy is often not sexual [Unless there is a copious amount of alcohol involved]. It is often a phrase or set of phrases that can be subtle if you aren’t paying attention. Other times, it is something else entirely. (more…)

Premature Ejunkulation: Testoserone and Exposing Your Junk

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating, WTF? by Wingnut on April 23, 2010

 I’ve been reading a couple blogs over the past few weeks and it has occurred to me that far too many men and women are encountering the Crazy Trains of the world at an alarming rate. As of this publishing, there is still not an effective warning system and people are being blindsided by other people’s junk…but it’s not psychological junk I am referring to.

Imagine, you met a guy and spent a good four hours1 talking to them at a bar or club. The conversation was amazing; the chemistry was good.  You drive home thinking to yourself, “Wow, I kinda like that guy” [Maybe even really like the guy]. He sends you a text saying how wonderful it was talking to you and you respond with “Me too. I look forward to seeing you again.” Apparently, “seeing you again” is the international cue for “ALL ABOARD!!!!!”2.  You receive the following three texts in succession:

  1. Neither can I.
  2. Here’s a little something to remember me by.
  3. [picture of COCK AND BALLS]3

SINCE WHEN WAS THIS OK?!?!?? I certainly never got the memo. [No really, I searched the internet for a whole five minutes and there is NO MEMO] In some cases, If he’s really classy, he will forgo the text and his junk will be waiting in your inbox. Rumor has it, there’s even an APP for that.4 This also applies for meeting people via Match.com. JK has reported more than one instance of junk mail just minutes after an IM session [Why is there no spam setting for this?]5

I can tell you, from everything I’ve ever heard women say, they honestly don’t want to see your junk in picture form right after they meet you. In fact, many women don’t want to see your junk after 10 years of marriage [Although, this is usually in ANY format and speaks to a larger marital problem].

EF1 [ex fiancé one, for those who forgot the acronym] had the misfortune, or good fortune depending on your point of view, of meeting a guy who waited 40 SECONDS before exposing junk on his phone, but it wasn’t even HIS JUNK?!?!?!  He thought he would impress her by showing all of the female junk women had texted him [A clear turn-on right ladies?] I have to wonder if it was even junk that was sent to him because my suspicion is that it was just stuff he got of the internet or was forwarded by some other douche. [Needless to say, this particular fella had trouble containing the crazy for longer than four minutes at a time]

Women are more likely to expose themselves with verbal or written junk [featured in very next blog, Crazy Trains and Bar Girls: You Want Me To Stick It Where? (this blog will be rated M for mature].

What has happened to the filter that prevented people from doing this sort of thing? I mean sure, most celebrities have a sex tape or naked pictures.  Sure, most movies, according to Adam Carrolla, feature gratuitous male junk. Sure, most plot lines involve sophomoric, overtly sexual behavior. Sure, the “clean” songs on the radio feature more sex than an episode of Grey’s Anatomy [OK, I just don’t like Grey’s]. But, surely none of this has anything to do with it right…oh wait….

AFTERWORD: I’ve retitled the this blog to coincide with the one that follows. I think it’s high time that we had a word for this phenomenon. Thus, I present to you Ejunkulate and Premature Ejunkulation!

New language alert! Ejunkulate (verb): 1. to send a naked picture of yourself to another person; 2. To expose your crazy in a rapid, violent manner. Premature ejunkulation (noun): The act of sending picures of your junk to a person you barely know.

Footnotes:

  1. This theory will now be called Diablorobotica’s Law.
  2. Just didn’t want to say Crazy Train again.
  3. Sadly, simple cock and balls is the minimum. I have heard of some pretty crazy pictures people have sent without warning.
  4. Though I’m pretty sure there is not.
  5. There needs to be a time equivalent for all other forms of communication, like e-mail, Facebook messages, texting, or stalking them on Google. All of these factor in the calculations for Diablorobotica’s Law.

Passion Backfires: How to Get Your Very Own Stalker

Posted in Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on April 13, 2010

“There is a fine line between serendipity and stalking.”

–David Coleman

Upon consulting the five love languages, I was not at all shocked that my two primary languages are “Physical Touch” and “Words of Affirmation.” I’m sure you can already tell that I am one verbose MF. 1 What you probably don’t know is that I put the same care and dedication into passionate endeavors. The dedication to my words is the same dedication I use in the touch and pleasuring of a woman. [Whether it works or not if for the woman to decide]2

"EEEEH What's up psycho hosebeast?"

Now, I suppose there is a boat load of ways to gain a stalker or two, but I’ve noticed that my particular “Love Language” seems to lend itself an unhealthy obsession from some women, especially those used to” Mr. You Can Get Yours Watching the Food Network When We Are Done”. Over the unabashed asshole years3, more than one woman that I fucked over kept coming back for the sex. A few became a little more avid with their affections [We are talking borderline boiling rabbit in a pot obsessed].

Take “The 11-Year Itch” [EYI}, the quintessential example of what I’m talking about. My interactions with EYI can be summed up by the following pattern: Call her up for a date; pick her up; drive her to a parking spot in a dark place; spend the next two hours passionately seducing her and pleasing her to the brink of what she could handle [This is all self-serving because I enjoy doing it]; drive her back home; call her again in a few weeks or even, in some cases, months. I never once bought her as much as a Slurpee on any of our “dates.”4 [According to DB Monthly (not a real magazine), you actually need to purchase a Slurpee and an ice-cream sandwich for it to be considered a date]

Eventually, I had gotten into enough trouble with girlfriends I was cheating on that I stopped calling her [I make no qualms about being an absolute dousche at various periods of my life, see footnote 3]. Flash forward eleven years. I was married at this point and visitewd the local coffeehouse to socialize and play games with some friends. One night, I sat next to a friend of mine, UCV [“Under Control” V], and looked up to see EYI sitting there. Her eyes grew wide when she saw me. The words “OH” and “SHIT” come to mind.

She started asking all sorts of questions about my personal life, probing to see if my ex-wife and I had broken up yet. The “Crazy Train” here goes without saying [But notice, I’m shamelessly plugging a previous blog].

Interestingly enough, she had a boyfriend, not that you would notice of course. He was invisible. No, not imaginary [Though, in her case, I wouldn’t have been shocked]. But, when she saw me, the whole world absolutely vanished and her focus was on me. It was comical really. In her eyes, he no longer existed. She even asked, “Could you get my phone out of the car. I don’t remember it and I want to give it to him.” [Now, before you feel sorry for this guy, you should know that, as of this blog, he has been in jail at least seven separate times].

I didn’t call her, but temptation was there. No, not to sleep with her [Infidelity was my ex-wife’s department]. I was tempted to walk up to him and say, “You know, I could take her home and fuck her right now and your sorry ass would have to walk home.” Largely because I didn’t like him and, well, mostly because I could. 5

Of course, I never called her.

But they both have fur...right! RIGHT?!?

Two years pass and guess who popped up on MySpace looking for a friend. Well, she was looking for more than a friend. Turns out, things were horrible with her boyfriend and she wanted to know, if she broke up with him, if we could be together and she missed me so much. According to her, I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she was a fool to let me go [Revisionist history anyone?]. I tried a different approach this time and tried to scare her away by saying I was into some crazy, kinky shit. She was undeterred by this [actually she ignored it all together]. “We have so much in common,” she wrote. “We both have kids, we both like sex.” [Wow, if that were all it took, e-harmony wouldn’t have any business].6

I’m sure if I had said, “I think you are a psychotic hosebeast,” she would have probably called it a cute nickname.

All of this could have been prevented if I had been 5-minute, all about me guy in the front seat [I only take classy girls to the backseat]7. I mean seriously, what woman stalks that guy? What woman remembers him even a year later?

Last I heard, she is finally getting married to her boyfriend [he’s actually been out of jail for more than two months now] and is pregnant [The baby is destined to have the IQ of a brick]. Maybe she’s finally given up…though, somehow, I doubt it.

Footnotes:

  1. Seriously, I just won’t shut up.
  2. I’ve heard rumors to the effect that most men don’t take care of a woman’s needs and even more rumor that I may not be one of them.
  3. The exact years of this time period vary from the day I was born to present day [depending on who you ask].
  4. I did at least opt against the Tom Likus approach, which is make her buy me a Slurpee. Hey, at least I some sense of ethics.
  5. Can anyone say, “I’m a giant whale penis?”
  6. Some things we also had in common: breathing; hair; dreams [the ability to, not hopes and goals]; a name that starts with a consonant; the letter ‘I’ .
  7. That is clearly a lie.

PS: Clutter Singularity Part will be published in the next 24-48 hours