Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Junk Ink: “Wanna Suck My Hello Kitty?”

Posted in WTF? by Wingnut on May 5, 2010

I was talking to Hot Topic at the bar last night [HT very attractive young Ginger-American, see Darren Carter for another example of GA] as she was avoiding following her friend onto the karaoke patio. [Yes, the cowboy bar I go to has karaoke on Tuesdays and if you think rednecks can’t sing, you should hear wanna be rednecks!] No, it wasn’t the bad singing that was keeping her inside near the bar, nor the company of yours truly. She was trying to avoid being noticed by an apparent “ejunkulator” known as The Creeper. [In the top10 of nicknames you don’t want to have]

As she pointed him out [alarmingly he was talking to some of my other friends], she explained that she had met him at another karaoke venue that she frequents. After weeks of casual small talk [you know, the kind you use to feel out that girl/guy you are interested when you frequent a social environment]. Well, he had finally gotten comfortable enough to take the next steps. Turns out his next steps were a disastrous ejunkulation, the kind of epic fail you only read about.1

FAIL #1 – The Creeper figured now would be a good time to buy her drinks. This, by itself, wasn’t a fail. Add a repeated request to make out [Let me guess…hmmm…karaoke bar…he’d been drinking? DING! DING! DING!]2. According to HT, this went on for the duration of the evening, with Creeper reminding her that he bought her drinks so she should make out with him. [This qualifies as another common, poor logic argument that guys try to use to seduce women…unsuccessfully].3

I think, from the look on HT’s face, this would have been enough to earn him the name Creeper. I was about to get an education in a whole new form of ejunkulation that I never even considered existed [And, the parts of me on Denial Island swear that none of this ever happened].

Depending on where it's located, it could be worse!

FAIL #2—The conversation goes something like what follows:

Creeper: So, I was thinking of getting a tattoo. Do you think I should get a tattoo?

HT [Clearly disinterested]: Um…sure.

Creeper: Don’t you want to know where I’m going to get it?

HT [?!?!?!?]: Um…

Creeper: I’m going to get my penis tattooed!

HT [?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!] Um…[wishing she could simply run fast and far] WTF?

Creeper: Yeah, I’ve always wanted…..

HT [?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!] Oh, I think it’s my turn to sing!

Creeper: But you aren’t even in the rotation…

HT: I’m doing a duet with that girl over there [pointing in the first direction she can think of]. I’ve got to go.

Creeper [as she moves away]: I’ll show it to you whe…[she can no longer hear him because she is almost sprinting now]

Analysis: Before we have a very frank discussion on how WRONG this is, it must be said that he is not the only one who has this ridiculous notion of getting junk ink. In fact, when you type in the search terms: Penis tattoo yahoo answers, you get 250,000 hits!  Have some men truly lost their minds? 4

I need to emphasize the point, in case there are those of you readers out there who didn’t get the memo: If you get a tattoo on your penis, fewer women will choose to sleep with you. In fact, I think fewer gay men will be interested in you as well. There is NOTHING COOL about inking your junk.

In case you missed it:

MEMORANDUM
RE: Junk Ink
WOMEN DON’T WANT YOUR JUNK TO HAVE INK
End memo.

Another example of this utter insanity–

From Yahoo Answers: “Okay I’ve seen this asked before, but this is a different design. So seriously, I am considering of all things getting a Hello Kitty tattoo on the head of my penis. My girl friend is crazy about the idea. I’m not too worried about the pain. This post won’t make my decision, but what would you think finding Hello Kitty on the head of a penis?”

HELLO KITTY? HELLO KITTY!!!!!!!!!!

I’m willing to bet that most women who unzipped a guys fly and found Hello Kitty would fall over in uncontrollable laughter, say simply “No. No. I so can’t do this”, and quickly bolt from the room. [Maybe the worst pickup line ever: “Hey baby, wanna suck my Hello Kitty?”]5

Still not cool!

MEMORANDUM
RE: Hello Kitty Junk
REALLY? HELLO FREAKIN’ KITTY? YEAH, YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID EVER AGAIN!
End memo.

Honestly, no woman is every worth doing that for…EVER. [If you are a woman out there and you think you are worth it…please walk the other way, I honestly don’t want to meet you] 6

I’m willing to bet that Yahoo Answer boy’s girlfriend is not crazy about the idea from a “it will turn me on” standpoint. If she is pushing the idea, it’s because it will brand him forever. He will never again be able to sleep with a woman without explaining “her”. Who knew it would actually be better if she simply asked you to tattoo her name on her shoulder? In fact, if you are willing to go this far for a woman, just let her pee on you to mark her territory. It’s less expensive and much faster. [junk ink is like a hickey, multiplied by 10549213924293123].

Addendum: Yea, so in talking this over in the lunch room, Mrs. Scarface [because of Al Pacino related stuff] mentioned she met a skirt-wearing guy [not kilt] who had a chain attached to his cock and balls via rings in both. That might be bad by itself, but, it had a BELL?!??!?!? Yes, his junk jingled as he walked.

MEMORANDUM
RE: Jingle Cock
I…JUST…DON’T…KNOW….
End blog

Footnotes:

  1. I do sincerely apologize for any of you this has actually happened to. No person should ever have to go through this.
  2. “Wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out,” has never been much of a pickup line.
  3. [I am drunk and purchased the drinks/I want to make out with her/Therefore, she should make out with me]
  4. This is clearly evidence of the affirmative.
  5. My colleague TH confirmed it because when she read this and said it out loud, she was crying because she was laughing so hard.
  6. OK, if you are hot. I’ll still meet you, but only to sleep with you. After that, take your hello kitty and get the hell out.
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Premajure Enjunkulation: A Social Experiment in Creating Language

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Jock Dork: It's Who I Am, WTF? by Wingnut on April 29, 2010

Does this really surprise anyone?

So, I’ve been wondering what it would take to get a word or phrase created and part of the daily lexicon of the modern world. I had no such word [there were a few that were possible] until my last couple blogs.

Thus I present to you premature ejunkulation.

Ejunkulate (verb): 1. to send a naked picture of yourself to another person; 2. To expose your crazy in a rapid, violent manner.

Premature ejunkulation (noun): The act of sending picures of your junk to a person you barely know. In other words, the Match.com freak who thinks you need to see pics of your junk moments after your first IM conversation.

THE CHALLENGE

After reading this and the linked blog, begin using the word whenever one of these situations occur. Furthermore, use Twitter, Facebook, Text, and other forms of social media to spread this word around and introduce more people to it. You can even link my blog, if you so choose.

Let’s make this word happen people! How many times have you been asked to help create language for general usage.

I will periodically update my quest as I get more information about appearances of this word on the internet.

Premajure Ejunkulation (Bar Girls and Crazy Trains): You want me to stick it where?!?!

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating, WTF? by Wingnut on April 28, 2010

There is a great deal of irony in the way men and women prematurely ejunkulate1. As mentioned earlier in “Exposing Your Junk”, men seem to think that women like to see pictures of their junk via text messages a mere four hours after meeting. This is largely based on the following flawed logic: I am a visual person and I like naked women/Therefore women must want to see naked me [Note: A successful logic argument needs at least THREE parts to be plausible…men tend to skip a step]2.

Interestingly enough, men would welcome this kind of ejunkulation from women they just met [In fact, they are secretly hoping you will send them]3. Men are quick to gloss over the fact that this type of behavior is equally crazy. This is because men are thinking, “Hey, I have a new naked picture on my phone.” Still, women you just met aren’t usually in the habit of sending them.  Instead, women tend to expose their crazy with their words…much to the dismay of the horny guy involved.

Now, to be clear, this crazy is often not sexual [Unless there is a copious amount of alcohol involved]. It is often a phrase or set of phrases that can be subtle if you aren’t paying attention. Other times, it is something else entirely. (more…)

Premature Ejunkulation: Testoserone and Exposing Your Junk

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating, WTF? by Wingnut on April 23, 2010

 I’ve been reading a couple blogs over the past few weeks and it has occurred to me that far too many men and women are encountering the Crazy Trains of the world at an alarming rate. As of this publishing, there is still not an effective warning system and people are being blindsided by other people’s junk…but it’s not psychological junk I am referring to.

Imagine, you met a guy and spent a good four hours1 talking to them at a bar or club. The conversation was amazing; the chemistry was good.  You drive home thinking to yourself, “Wow, I kinda like that guy” [Maybe even really like the guy]. He sends you a text saying how wonderful it was talking to you and you respond with “Me too. I look forward to seeing you again.” Apparently, “seeing you again” is the international cue for “ALL ABOARD!!!!!”2.  You receive the following three texts in succession:

  1. Neither can I.
  2. Here’s a little something to remember me by.
  3. [picture of COCK AND BALLS]3

SINCE WHEN WAS THIS OK?!?!?? I certainly never got the memo. [No really, I searched the internet for a whole five minutes and there is NO MEMO] In some cases, If he’s really classy, he will forgo the text and his junk will be waiting in your inbox. Rumor has it, there’s even an APP for that.4 This also applies for meeting people via Match.com. JK has reported more than one instance of junk mail just minutes after an IM session [Why is there no spam setting for this?]5

I can tell you, from everything I’ve ever heard women say, they honestly don’t want to see your junk in picture form right after they meet you. In fact, many women don’t want to see your junk after 10 years of marriage [Although, this is usually in ANY format and speaks to a larger marital problem].

EF1 [ex fiancé one, for those who forgot the acronym] had the misfortune, or good fortune depending on your point of view, of meeting a guy who waited 40 SECONDS before exposing junk on his phone, but it wasn’t even HIS JUNK?!?!?!  He thought he would impress her by showing all of the female junk women had texted him [A clear turn-on right ladies?] I have to wonder if it was even junk that was sent to him because my suspicion is that it was just stuff he got of the internet or was forwarded by some other douche. [Needless to say, this particular fella had trouble containing the crazy for longer than four minutes at a time]

Women are more likely to expose themselves with verbal or written junk [featured in very next blog, Crazy Trains and Bar Girls: You Want Me To Stick It Where? (this blog will be rated M for mature].

What has happened to the filter that prevented people from doing this sort of thing? I mean sure, most celebrities have a sex tape or naked pictures.  Sure, most movies, according to Adam Carrolla, feature gratuitous male junk. Sure, most plot lines involve sophomoric, overtly sexual behavior. Sure, the “clean” songs on the radio feature more sex than an episode of Grey’s Anatomy [OK, I just don’t like Grey’s]. But, surely none of this has anything to do with it right…oh wait….

AFTERWORD: I’ve retitled the this blog to coincide with the one that follows. I think it’s high time that we had a word for this phenomenon. Thus, I present to you Ejunkulate and Premature Ejunkulation!

New language alert! Ejunkulate (verb): 1. to send a naked picture of yourself to another person; 2. To expose your crazy in a rapid, violent manner. Premature ejunkulation (noun): The act of sending picures of your junk to a person you barely know.

Footnotes:

  1. This theory will now be called Diablorobotica’s Law.
  2. Just didn’t want to say Crazy Train again.
  3. Sadly, simple cock and balls is the minimum. I have heard of some pretty crazy pictures people have sent without warning.
  4. Though I’m pretty sure there is not.
  5. There needs to be a time equivalent for all other forms of communication, like e-mail, Facebook messages, texting, or stalking them on Google. All of these factor in the calculations for Diablorobotica’s Law.

WTF?!?!?: I Want to Punch Japan in the Face

Posted in WTF? by Wingnut on March 31, 2010

Some things just make your jaw drop and need no explanation other than…WOW! HOLY CRAP! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!

Japanese Rape Video Game Goes Viral

Shaking my head…