Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Winning the Yankees Way: Life Lessons Learned from George Steinbrenner

(Any resemblance to persons real or fictional is entirely incidental, except those people who are actual Yankees. As for the stuff, if you think I’m talking about you…you might want to consider why you feel that way. If you think I’m talking about someone else…you might want to consider coming back from “Denial Island”)

Mason (Sean Connery): Are you sure you’re ready for this? [walks up staircase]

Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage): I’ll do my best.

Mason: [stops and motions back to Goodspeed] Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!

As a Yankees fan, I have a particular bias to all things pinstripes. I truly believe that my team exhibits the best in any and all things, which is why so many other teams try to be like us or are simply just jealous. [I hear your objections and I scoff! if your team spent the kind of money ours does to try and win, you would not be complaining]

Of course, over the years, I’ve been trained to think that by George Steinbrenner. But, considering my personality and behavior, is it really any shock that I’ve spent the last twenty-four years proudly wearing the NY in my daily life?1

My personality is naturally drawn to teams like the Yankees. They exhibit all the qualities that an alpha-Jock Dork like me strives to incorporate in my own life. I may be genetically disposed to root for the Bronx Bombers. But, I have also been shaped by lessons taught by George Steinbrenner and his ownership of the Yankees.

 Over the next few days, I will be sharing a few of those lessons that I may have learned from Steinbrenner [I acknowledge that I may have learned some of these elsewhere as well]. These lessons apply to business, friendships, relationships, and life in general.

Today’s lesson: Winning.

(more…)

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For All Your Dating Needs: Ask an Asshole if You Want Useful Advice!

People don’t hide who they are. It is we who choose the glasses through which we filter their image.
 
 
 
 

–ClueXPhilosopher

 

In the my earlier incarnation as a “concrete cowboy” [My term for “Urban Cowboy” is way better], there were certain services that I provided to my female friends that merited the printing of business cards. No, not THOSE services [I was a douche, but that would have made me a King Kong Mega douche1]. At the time, one of the things I was known for was being a good listener and providing sound ClueXFour-style advice.2  These cards said, “Resident Cowboy Psychologist.”

Make no mistake, I was not the “nice guy” who didn’t get laid. Most of those women who came to me were those I had plans to sleep with in the near future or had already slept with and planned to again at some point in time if I needed a booty call.3

Whatever my intentions were, women came to me because I hit them upside with the brutal truth [In my old age, I have learned a little tact. I prepare them…then I brain them with the truth]. Women didn’t come to me for sympathy. They came to me when they needed someone to shoot straight with them.

They came to me when they needed an asshole. (more…)

Thinking Inside-the-Box; or, NiceHole: Graphing What Women Really Want

[Disclaimer: There may be copious amounts of ego on display in this blog. Yeah, that’s how I roll].

I have been asked on more than one occasion what type of guy I consider myself (twice recently) on my own scale of nice-guy v. asshole.  If you are unfamiliar with my theory (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret that most women don’t even realize.

For those of you who know me, this is not a criticism on what any of you may think of me one way or the other [Though sometimes I’m amused at what people think of me]2. Some think I am the pinnacle of warm, sweet, and caring behavior, while others think that when I sing the words, “I’m an asshole, and proud of it,”1 never truer words have been spoken [thankfully they love me anyway].

I like to think that I am what all women want. OK, before you say, “Holy crap! Talk about ego!” let me explain because this assumption is loosely based upon what little I understand about women [Although, I am, in fact, full of myself and understand nothing about women]. It is not me, specifically, that women want. It is the relative balance between good guy and complete prick which is what women most desire.

Women really want a NiceHole. [This portmanteau sounded like a far better combination of NG and AH than NiceAss, AssNice, AssGuy, GuyAss, GuyHole, HoleGuy]3

Background Info

Women talk about nice guys like they are some sort of endangered species. Some common associations include: “All the good ones are taken…”  “Why can’t I find someone who will treat me decently?” “Where are all the nice guys?” The way women talk about it, any day now I expect to cover story for National Geographic to be, “The Lost Civilization of Nice Guy.”4

Now, I personally don’t believe the “nice guy” exists as advertised anyway [Again, refer back to the “Nice Guy Conundrum” for details]. To summarize for the lazy among you, these “nice” guys are hoping to get laid as much as the next guy; they are just too pussy to go out and get it. [If you are a lazy reader, refer to the graph in place of the upcoming math-related section]

Furthermore, women don’t want this guy anyway, no matter what they tell you. I repeat WOMEN DON’T WANT THIS GUY ANYWAY! The reason is simple: Women don’t like floor mats and everyone who is associated with the label “nice guy” is a floor mat. Is there an exception? Sure. However, this is a woman who has made her man buy “special sheets” so she can show her lack of respect for him in a Golden Fountain of ways. [Sadly, this floor mat used to be one of my friends] Of course what these exception women won’t tell you is this: They are fantasizing about a much stronger man [In her case…me.]5

So, why do women pursue the asshole? It comes down to a matter of confidence. Women love confidence, no matter if it comes in 99% Distilled Douchebag form. Confidence turns all women on. I repeat Confidence turns ALL women on! It can be false confidence, over compensation confidence, or real, genuine “I kick ass!” confidence. The type doesn’t matter. Women want it and they are often willing to be trampled on, insulted, and mistreated to get it. [Maybe someday I’ll explain why assholes continue to flourish, though I guarantee women won’t like the answer]7.

The Happy Medium

So, when it comes down to it, the ideal guy for most women is one who has balance, roughly equal parts nice guy/asshole. They want a guy who can, and often is, a decent human being. At the same time, he must also have a backbone, be able to hold his own against her, and even have a little swagger. Sometimes, he even can be a relatively assholish, as long as the behavior isn’t prolonged or egregious.

You know it women, this is what you want. And these guys are out there, though in relatively short supply.  

Let us quantify this a bit. [Warning: Math Content Ahead. Yes, I am a nerd and actually created a graph]

Think of it like a graph with Nice Guy on the X-Axis and Asshole on the Y-Axis. [The best part is, I’ve done the graphing for you…with shading and labels!] Plot the graph from the origin through X,Y coordinates that are equal [1,1; 2,2…10,10]. This is called the NiceHole Equivalency Ratio Axis.  If a guy’s personality falls around the line, he is considered equal parts Nice Guy and Asshole.

Now perfect equality is rare. However, there are guys who hover the line within a certain range most of the time. These are the ideal selections for most women.

If a guy is too far above the line, he is far more asshole than nice guy. Granted, he will have buttloads of women to choose from [yes, buttloads!]. Someone too far below the line is spineless and usually only useful for wiping your feet on. He will have anti-buttloads of women available to him.8

This is not an exact science because there are two other limits that should act as disqualifiers. If you look at the graph, you will see two vertical lines. Women should disqualify everyone to the left of the Zero-Personality Threshold. Sure, a guy who register 3,3 on the scale might have equal halves. However, they will also have the personality of a banana slug.

People above the axis line to the left of the ZPT are all those guys you’ve dreamed of turning into your personal floor mat.

Likewise, a person beyond 7,7 would be equally balanced. However, this is what we like to call the Batterer Alert Threshold. Anyone who knows anything about abusive relationships will always say the following: “Yes, I know it can get really bad…but when it’s good, it’s SOOOOOO good.” This is not a shock because their superior-level of asshole is interchangeable with an equal level of nice guy. Some, below the axis, still have some nice guy in them, but it is far too little to compensate for being giant testicle.

Ideally, women want to find men inside the four boundaries. Men should, in turn, strive to do their best to be inside the box [Yes boys and girls, being “outside the box” is sometimes a bad thing].

NiceHoles in the Wild: What does this look like anyway and how do I get me some?

I was going to try to get away without having to think up examples of what this actually looks like because it really is hard to quantify. However, I think I can give you some “ideas” of the type of guy he is and some ideas of what he is not.

A NiceHole will be there for you when you truly need it. If you are having a crisis, a NiceHole will be available for you to lean on, cry on, and rely on. However, while the floor mat will always be there, the NiceHole will recognize when you are abusing this privilege and will inform you of such [This involves communication, not the typical passive-aggressive response, which is to simply be unavailable. P-A = Asshole]. The NiceHole is strong enough to follow up with action and tell you no. You may hate him for this, but, ultimately, a firm NO when you are out of line creates the perfect paradox. You are infuriated, yet turned on how strong he is. [Sadly, the Asshole will simply call you a bitch. Even sadder, it will still turn some of you on].

A NiceHole will hold his ground in an argument. This does not mean that he spends the whole time trying to prove that “you are wrong”. He may be wrong and, at some point, will freely admit to it, though not necessarily at that moment. Unlike the “Nice Guy”, the NiceHole does not simply give in and roll over. This will infuriate you, and turn you on. But, at least, in his arguments, he won’t call you stupid or any other name that is designed to insult you and hurt your feelings. [Name Calling = Asshole, though sadly, this will also turn some of you on.]

A NiceHole will attempt to listen to you, but will freely admit that he cannot completely follow some of your conversations because they are rapid, fast-paced, and there is only so much he can hear about “Gray’s Anatomy” before his head explodes. But, at least the NiceHole makes a good effort. The asshole doesn’t ever care [Sadly…turn on!] and the “nice guy” is only listening while imagining you naked.

These are but a few examples.

Getting in Touch with Your Inner NiceHole: Self-Assessment

To determine where you fall on the graph requires a self-assessment…honest self-assessment. You should also take into consideration the input of friends, who will often lie to you, and exes, who will often despise you. Mix it together and come up with the end result.

Where you take it from there, is up entirely to you. I wish I could offer specific advice on how to better behave like one, but each person’s level of self-regulation is different.

That is for you to figure out.

As for me, some of you may think I’m amazing and others think I’m an arrogant prick. Yes, yes I am.

I’m a NiceHole. Nice to meet you.

Footnotes:

  1. Thank you Dennis Leary.
  2. NDF was shocked, in fact, when I sang “Asshole” for karaoke one night. In her fantasy reality, I was this incredible, straight-laced guy who was the most awesome person ever. The first time she heard me swear, she made me repeat it because she didn’t believe I had said it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have you met me?
  3. It is also a great pickup line for Men, Women, Straight and Gay. “What’s up…Nice Hole!”
  4. Historical records show that the “Civilization of the Nice Guy” was lost after it was invaded by the French. See folks, even the French can whup up on a nice guy.
  5. They only started dating because she was hoping to make me jealous. I wouldn’t give her the time of day because we all called her a succubus [Do you need any more proof than “special sheets”?]6
  6. BTW, I still hate you Diablorobotica for forcing the rest of us to have this horrible visual as well.
  7. You were warned: Assholes exist because there are always plenty of women to put up with it. Thus, the majority of complete pricks are not motivated to change because they can ALWAYS get laid somewhere. [I am not saying this is right…just that it is] If women wanted to rid the world of assholes, they would have to unite as one against Tryassany. How likely is that to happen? [I’ll blog upon this some other time]
  8.  Anti-buttloads = Women in naked magazines and Anime.

Missed Connections: And You Call Lloyd Dobler a Stalker?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 13, 2010

“I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere? ”  — Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

If you’ve ever seen it, you will never forget the image of Lloyd Dobler outside Diane Court’s room, boom box aloft, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes…” in the air. How can any of us who grew up on a steady diet of 80s teen angst-romance movies ever forget it? Was there ever a more romantic gesture [Yes, I thought about doing this at least one time…but, so did you].123

How did he  get her in the first place? He picked up a telephone and introduced himself. The key here is actual human conversation, followed by a direct request to meet, followed by action, followed by a request to go on a date. It’s a pretty simple mathematical formula that produces results.4 However, results are not always positive, which is why many people observe from a far, hide in the shadows, and fantasize about their own version of Diane Court. It is easier to believe in the “possibility” of someone than to actual do something to get them.

Some, thanks to a good helping of passive-aggressive in their psyche, will even find their ways onto the back pages of the OC Weekly or a website called “Missed Connections”, where they can “reach out” to that person they just can’t stop thinking about [Though, calling it screaming out seems more appropriate].

Example 1 [plus commentary]:

You: very pretty girl with dark hair who seems like a serious runner, which I admire [sure you do]. So few people seriously work out at the gym-but you were… Booking! [What lazy ass gym does he hang out at?]

Me: ran next to you, blonde guy, also booking. [Dude, it’s the treadmill]

Did I mention you were gorgeous?  Hopefully it’s not too late for you to actually hear it [WTF?]. Guess there’s a chance I’ll run into you–or by you, again there [Dude, it’s the TREADMILL…you don’t run by anyone]!

Analysis: Now, I had hoped he was talking about running on a track, with would have at least given him some credibility. But then I realized it had to be the treadmill because he was running “next to her.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong here, but a strange guy running next to you on the track for a prolonged period of time, not saying anything, has got to be a little bit creepy. More importantly, most ladies don’t go to the gym to meet guys anyway [As much as we like to look at them, they don’t actually want to talk to us. The gym, for a woman, is business5]. (more…)

WTF?!?: Hugh Hefner and signs of the apocalypse (extra blog)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on April 20, 2010

If you don’t believe “junk” has contaminated our society, consider that Hugh Hefner is being held up as a voice of morality: “Hugh Hefner Slams Tiger Woods, Jesse James & Sex Addiction” . 1
While, certainly, by saying voice of morality, I am liberally using hyperbole. However, the simple fact that someone would print Hef’s opinion on Woods and James demonstrates how entrenched we have become our collective “Junk”.
We have truly reached the “Great Pacific Garbage Patch” of junk (to be posted later today).

Footnotes:
1. Dude, I didn’t “Denial Island” was at the Playboy Mansion!!! I’m so never NOT being in denial ever again!

Denial Island: Knight in Shining armor or Manipulative Prick? (AKA Point #2)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on March 18, 2010

Back in 2004, a friend of mine (The Friar of Puckington)1 sent me a link to a comic strip called Something Positive. It prompted a discussion and realization that was highly troubling…many of my friends were far bigger assholes than I.

But how could that be? (No really…HOW IS THIS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE?)  In my younger days, I’d been a womanizing (somewhat reformed), self-centered (somewhat reformed), self-important (somewhat less reformed), egotistical (not at all reformed) gigantic whale penis with a keen awareness of his own awesomeness (see…you ain’t got nothing on me Barney…I was here first). 2

The comic strip (http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp02142004.shtml )presented an interesting theory that, needing to learn something new that I could use to pretend I know what I’m talking about, I gave a lot of thought to. At the time,,, some of my friends were offering their friendships to women in hopes that, one day, their “friend” would realize that my friends were “the one.” “You are the guy I’ve always been looking for, and you have been right here all along,” are the words they longed to hear. (SIDENOTE: My own “Oh Shit!” moment about this was considering, later on, how that played a role in the absolutely horrible foundation that my marriage was built upon).3

At the very least, with your standard asshat, you have a pretty good idea of what you are getting yourself into. Sure, you may build a nice little hut on Denial Island4 and think you can “change” him. But the reality is right out in the open. No surprises.

This is where the “nice-guy” becomes asshole incognito. On the surface, he is the best kind of friend a girl can have. He offers you all of the benefits of the boyfriend without having to pay for it with the desired physical affections.  (This is of course because you are not attracted to his weakness, see previous blog.) He is reliable and always there for you just when you need him to be…but, there is a catch. None of this is offered honestly. Instead, it is offered in the attempt to “win” you over. He never wanted to be “just friends” and he almost certainly never will. And, eventually, you will marry him right? (HAHAHA…Yeah, we all know that is SOOOOO not happening)5

Case #1: So, I’m an asshole, but at least I tell you upfront that I’m going to fuck you over. You get hurt, but at least you know, on some level, I am capable of it. You never completely trust me anyway, which helps you heal during the post-mortem phase.

Case #2: He never shares his true intentions. You get very close. Then, one day, in a moment of desperation, he cannot withhold his feelings any longer. He loves you, always has, and now cannot be your friend anymore unless you reciprocate.6 This was supposed to be your friend and he is now breaking your heart. You trusted him and, from day one, he has been lying to you. Your ability to trust is decimated because even “friends” can’t be trusted anymore.

Question: Who is responsible for more emotional harm?

This scenario is repeated, over and over again.

Example: I was talking in the lunchroom with TH about this and she explained how much she hated those men when she was younger (Trust me, I feel sorry for these men ever getting on her bad side). The friendships she counted on for months or years were quickly destroyed by men who could no longer hold back their feelings.

In one instance, the guy gave her the ultimatum and a weekend(!!!!) to think about it…

TH: I don’t need a weekend. I don’t want to go out with you. I don’t like you that way.

Nice Guy DB7: Ok, but I still think you should think about it. We can talk about it on Sunday.

TH: My answer is not going to change.
NGDB: Just think about it.

(Sunday)

NGDB: So…

TH: Nope.

NGDB: OK…well it was nice being friends…(hangs up)

(five minutes pass)

NGDB: You know, I hate women like you. You have everything you could ever want in me. But, instead of being with me, you’d rather chase after guys who will cheat on you and hit you…

TH: OH, HELL NO! Who do you think you are? How do we go from “me not liking you” to “I like getting the crap beat out of me”? You think that because I don’t like you that I like to be abused…?

(Conversation disintegrated after that…which is fine because I’m still laughing at her response).

Wait, There’s More—Second Offenses: So, not only do NGDBs offer their friendship with ulterior motives, they also believe that they “know what’s best” for their friends. The NGDB thinks that because they have been such a positive influence in her life, that she would find true love and happiness if she would only give him a chance. He believes he knows what will make her happy.

Who has the right to say that about anyone? Whether you’ve known someone for two months or twenty years,  you have no right to tell someone that “you would make them happy.” That speaks of pure selfishness. You have no idea what their deep emotional needs really are. Besides, if you were their “definition” of happy, they would be with you in the first place.8

I was talking to NDF 9 about this very thing last evening. I am never going to assume that I would be a “good” match for any specific person because I am not them and cannot define their happiness for them. (This is not to say that I’m not right for someone…All I’m saying it is for them to define, not me).

People, in general, should put effort into those who want to put the same effort into them. The average NGDB does not recognize that their efforts don’t count. The woman does not WANT to put in the effort and you can’t make someone WANT to, regardless of how much you try.

I would tell all the NGDB’s out there to go seek someone who actually is interested in them, but I don’t have the right to tell anyone what will make them happy. Maybe they are content being a teacup pig (see, I told you I’d be back for you).

Footnotes:

  1. Way to not have a blog for me to link to FP. You are fired!
  2. Upon further reflection, everything I just said might be highly suspect.
  3. I’m not sure you could have built an outhouse on that foundation.
  4. I’m getting so much use out of this thanks to NDF’s belief she can beat me at dominos.
  5. While there are reported instances of this happening, it is very rare and usually ends up with a woman that does not respect her weak husband.
  6. I wish people would stop doing this right before someone’s wedding. Talk about fucked up.
  7. Nice Guy Douchebag
  8. For example, maybe they have deep seated daddy issues and seek men who have all those bad qualities to try and fix a broken parent-child relationship. Maybe that is what happiness is to them. Do you know for sure?
  9. Hi MiO