Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

A Bizarre Love Triangle: The Man of Action is Back

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on January 17, 2011
 
 
 
 

Guess who’s back
Back again
Shady’s back
Tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back
guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back..

 

                                                                                                                -Eminem

My comeback is way better!

I decided that my birthday gift to myself is finally giving myself permission to write again. [This is, of course, after giving myself the gifts of booze, comedy, booze, women, booze, massage, and booze]

Many wild rumors circulate as to the nature of my absence. Some speculate that I have been living the life of the Sultan of Brunai, relishing in nightly debauches with the many members of my harem.

This accusation is absolutely false [I am not in any way, shape, or form a sultan1]

Others speculate I have grown tired of passive-aggressive Twitter drama and weary of openly being an asshole. Also untrue. I can assure you, I’ll never be uncomfortable being a pretentious, pompous, preening prick [As evidences by my need to alliterate].

There have even been those that even speculate that I am in a re…re…re…relationship [Yeah, not sure I can say it again so don’t ask me to]. My reason for absence is, however, closely related to my reasons for not being available for relationship consideration:

I have dedicated the last five months to being the best teacher and colleague I can possibly be at my new school.

[Please note: This is only one of the reasons in the relationship department. I’ll save those for future writings2]

Being a Man of Action Requires Personal Sacrifice

One of my favorite motivational speakers, Eric Thomas, says you have to want success as much as you want to breathe. Hold your breath for a few moments and think about what that feels like the longer you hold it. Multiply that by the “don’t die” reflex and you have a better idea of what he’s talking about.

It isn’t enough for me to be a “pretty good” teacher. If you know anything about me, pretty good just isn’t enough. I play to win and love winners3. Besides, I’m working at a charter school now. I don’t have tenure; job security is based on personal growth and performance. I am also working with a new student population and have to rapidly adapt everything I do well to meet their specific needs and cultural nuances.

I am not the type of person who can phone it in. My days are long and my free time is dedicated to spending time with my kids, staying fit, and, every now and then, getting out or a little free time with friends4.

I Won’t Do You Halfway

Writing and relationships have a few things in common, the largest of which may be time requirement. When I was in a rhythm at my previous job, I had a lot of free time. My grading was streamlined, teaching a well-oiled machine, and thinking a factory of ideas [or fountain of bullshit, depending on your point of view].  But I wasn’t creating curriculum; I wasn’t reinventing teacher @ClueXFour [Though I did perfect #badteacher].

That was then. I am now in a constant state of reinvention. I demand success from myself. To reach a place where I can be happy with my pedagogy, I have to dedicate an inordinate amount of time to the pursuit of mastery. Outside of that, I have time to engage positive stress release at the gym, eat, and pass out…that is if I’m not behind on planning and grading [Which is almost always].

Care to tickle these keys?

My blog has become the neglected girlfriend. There was a time when it was easy to make time for her because it fit into the natural ebb and flow of daily life. There was a time when our relationship was relatively uncomplicated and I could meet her needs. But, as much as I want to sit down and stroke the keys softly with my fingertips, thoughtfully edit her body repeatedly, and gaze longingly at her in the spent aftermath, I just haven’t had the time.

I know what they say: “If you really want her, you will make the time.” In many cases, that is true. But, in some, including mine, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. I want to write; I ache to write; I need to write. It’s not a matter of want, but matter of priorities.5

Likewise, with relationships, I know what my time demands are and what I have available. It isn’t much. Being a textbook Capricorn [I reject the notion your “new” Zodiac], I have an innate drive to succeed. I play to win and, theoretically, I hope my next relationship will have the key ingredients to win.

However, one of those ingredients has to be the mental and physical availability to successfully navigate the natural ebb and flow of any relationship. With my job continuing to evolve, I don’t have either and I refuse to half-ass a relationship. If I can’t dedicate the time and energy required to participate in a relationship, I’m not going to pretend that I can. I would only be fooling someone else and myself.

Does this mean I don’t go out from time to time? No. It just means I am up front with this with any prospective evening companion. [This undoubtedly attracts the label “player”. So be it. Such labels are a semantics argument for another time].

Personal Fulfillment is All That Matters

I know this is not a choice some people can make, but it is the choice that I make. I do not judge those who need that other person to make them feel whole and complete. All I am saying is that I am OK on my own because there are other things that drive me:

  • Watching my girls develop and mature into fine young women fulfills me.
  • Thinking and planning to open the pathways to learning for my students fulfill me.
  • Being the kind of friend who people in need can truly rely on to be there in times of crisis fulfills me.

While I’m sure I would enjoy some aspects of a relationship, the extra burden and pressure of being a successful boyfriend would pull too much away from other areas and I would no longer find fulfillment in any facet of my life because I would be spread too thin. Sure, a relationship isn’t supposed to be a burden or pressure. But, let’s be honest. It requires time and if you have none, it is a constant battle to tread water. I’m not good at treading water6.

That Bizarre Love Triangle that is Blogging

This is not to say that it will be that way forever. Just for now. At least I’ve begun writing again, just not at the torrid pace that defined the beginning of Blog-Year  One.

Thus, I reinitiate the love triangle that is writer-blog-reader.

I’ve missed you.

Welcome back.

.

.

.

.

.

Footnotes:

  1. Though lately I’ve bore a striking resemblance to Charlie Sheen, minus the three-ton liver]
  2. Every now and again, it is me and not you.
  3. See https://cluexfour.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/winning-the-yankees-way-life-lessons-learned-from-george-steinbrenner/ for an example of what I think of winning.
  4. In the words of robot on The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson, “Is that code?”
  5. Like I said, sometimes it is me and not you.
  6. Apparently I’m good at the dog paddle.

Winning the Yankees Way: Life Lessons Learned from George Steinbrenner

(Any resemblance to persons real or fictional is entirely incidental, except those people who are actual Yankees. As for the stuff, if you think I’m talking about you…you might want to consider why you feel that way. If you think I’m talking about someone else…you might want to consider coming back from “Denial Island”)

Mason (Sean Connery): Are you sure you’re ready for this? [walks up staircase]

Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage): I’ll do my best.

Mason: [stops and motions back to Goodspeed] Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!

As a Yankees fan, I have a particular bias to all things pinstripes. I truly believe that my team exhibits the best in any and all things, which is why so many other teams try to be like us or are simply just jealous. [I hear your objections and I scoff! if your team spent the kind of money ours does to try and win, you would not be complaining]

Of course, over the years, I’ve been trained to think that by George Steinbrenner. But, considering my personality and behavior, is it really any shock that I’ve spent the last twenty-four years proudly wearing the NY in my daily life?1

My personality is naturally drawn to teams like the Yankees. They exhibit all the qualities that an alpha-Jock Dork like me strives to incorporate in my own life. I may be genetically disposed to root for the Bronx Bombers. But, I have also been shaped by lessons taught by George Steinbrenner and his ownership of the Yankees.

 Over the next few days, I will be sharing a few of those lessons that I may have learned from Steinbrenner [I acknowledge that I may have learned some of these elsewhere as well]. These lessons apply to business, friendships, relationships, and life in general.

Today’s lesson: Winning.

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Thinking Inside-the-Box; or, NiceHole: Graphing What Women Really Want

[Disclaimer: There may be copious amounts of ego on display in this blog. Yeah, that’s how I roll].

I have been asked on more than one occasion what type of guy I consider myself (twice recently) on my own scale of nice-guy v. asshole.  If you are unfamiliar with my theory (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret that most women don’t even realize.

For those of you who know me, this is not a criticism on what any of you may think of me one way or the other [Though sometimes I’m amused at what people think of me]2. Some think I am the pinnacle of warm, sweet, and caring behavior, while others think that when I sing the words, “I’m an asshole, and proud of it,”1 never truer words have been spoken [thankfully they love me anyway].

I like to think that I am what all women want. OK, before you say, “Holy crap! Talk about ego!” let me explain because this assumption is loosely based upon what little I understand about women [Although, I am, in fact, full of myself and understand nothing about women]. It is not me, specifically, that women want. It is the relative balance between good guy and complete prick which is what women most desire.

Women really want a NiceHole. [This portmanteau sounded like a far better combination of NG and AH than NiceAss, AssNice, AssGuy, GuyAss, GuyHole, HoleGuy]3

Background Info

Women talk about nice guys like they are some sort of endangered species. Some common associations include: “All the good ones are taken…”  “Why can’t I find someone who will treat me decently?” “Where are all the nice guys?” The way women talk about it, any day now I expect to cover story for National Geographic to be, “The Lost Civilization of Nice Guy.”4

Now, I personally don’t believe the “nice guy” exists as advertised anyway [Again, refer back to the “Nice Guy Conundrum” for details]. To summarize for the lazy among you, these “nice” guys are hoping to get laid as much as the next guy; they are just too pussy to go out and get it. [If you are a lazy reader, refer to the graph in place of the upcoming math-related section]

Furthermore, women don’t want this guy anyway, no matter what they tell you. I repeat WOMEN DON’T WANT THIS GUY ANYWAY! The reason is simple: Women don’t like floor mats and everyone who is associated with the label “nice guy” is a floor mat. Is there an exception? Sure. However, this is a woman who has made her man buy “special sheets” so she can show her lack of respect for him in a Golden Fountain of ways. [Sadly, this floor mat used to be one of my friends] Of course what these exception women won’t tell you is this: They are fantasizing about a much stronger man [In her case…me.]5

So, why do women pursue the asshole? It comes down to a matter of confidence. Women love confidence, no matter if it comes in 99% Distilled Douchebag form. Confidence turns all women on. I repeat Confidence turns ALL women on! It can be false confidence, over compensation confidence, or real, genuine “I kick ass!” confidence. The type doesn’t matter. Women want it and they are often willing to be trampled on, insulted, and mistreated to get it. [Maybe someday I’ll explain why assholes continue to flourish, though I guarantee women won’t like the answer]7.

The Happy Medium

So, when it comes down to it, the ideal guy for most women is one who has balance, roughly equal parts nice guy/asshole. They want a guy who can, and often is, a decent human being. At the same time, he must also have a backbone, be able to hold his own against her, and even have a little swagger. Sometimes, he even can be a relatively assholish, as long as the behavior isn’t prolonged or egregious.

You know it women, this is what you want. And these guys are out there, though in relatively short supply.  

Let us quantify this a bit. [Warning: Math Content Ahead. Yes, I am a nerd and actually created a graph]

Think of it like a graph with Nice Guy on the X-Axis and Asshole on the Y-Axis. [The best part is, I’ve done the graphing for you…with shading and labels!] Plot the graph from the origin through X,Y coordinates that are equal [1,1; 2,2…10,10]. This is called the NiceHole Equivalency Ratio Axis.  If a guy’s personality falls around the line, he is considered equal parts Nice Guy and Asshole.

Now perfect equality is rare. However, there are guys who hover the line within a certain range most of the time. These are the ideal selections for most women.

If a guy is too far above the line, he is far more asshole than nice guy. Granted, he will have buttloads of women to choose from [yes, buttloads!]. Someone too far below the line is spineless and usually only useful for wiping your feet on. He will have anti-buttloads of women available to him.8

This is not an exact science because there are two other limits that should act as disqualifiers. If you look at the graph, you will see two vertical lines. Women should disqualify everyone to the left of the Zero-Personality Threshold. Sure, a guy who register 3,3 on the scale might have equal halves. However, they will also have the personality of a banana slug.

People above the axis line to the left of the ZPT are all those guys you’ve dreamed of turning into your personal floor mat.

Likewise, a person beyond 7,7 would be equally balanced. However, this is what we like to call the Batterer Alert Threshold. Anyone who knows anything about abusive relationships will always say the following: “Yes, I know it can get really bad…but when it’s good, it’s SOOOOOO good.” This is not a shock because their superior-level of asshole is interchangeable with an equal level of nice guy. Some, below the axis, still have some nice guy in them, but it is far too little to compensate for being giant testicle.

Ideally, women want to find men inside the four boundaries. Men should, in turn, strive to do their best to be inside the box [Yes boys and girls, being “outside the box” is sometimes a bad thing].

NiceHoles in the Wild: What does this look like anyway and how do I get me some?

I was going to try to get away without having to think up examples of what this actually looks like because it really is hard to quantify. However, I think I can give you some “ideas” of the type of guy he is and some ideas of what he is not.

A NiceHole will be there for you when you truly need it. If you are having a crisis, a NiceHole will be available for you to lean on, cry on, and rely on. However, while the floor mat will always be there, the NiceHole will recognize when you are abusing this privilege and will inform you of such [This involves communication, not the typical passive-aggressive response, which is to simply be unavailable. P-A = Asshole]. The NiceHole is strong enough to follow up with action and tell you no. You may hate him for this, but, ultimately, a firm NO when you are out of line creates the perfect paradox. You are infuriated, yet turned on how strong he is. [Sadly, the Asshole will simply call you a bitch. Even sadder, it will still turn some of you on].

A NiceHole will hold his ground in an argument. This does not mean that he spends the whole time trying to prove that “you are wrong”. He may be wrong and, at some point, will freely admit to it, though not necessarily at that moment. Unlike the “Nice Guy”, the NiceHole does not simply give in and roll over. This will infuriate you, and turn you on. But, at least, in his arguments, he won’t call you stupid or any other name that is designed to insult you and hurt your feelings. [Name Calling = Asshole, though sadly, this will also turn some of you on.]

A NiceHole will attempt to listen to you, but will freely admit that he cannot completely follow some of your conversations because they are rapid, fast-paced, and there is only so much he can hear about “Gray’s Anatomy” before his head explodes. But, at least the NiceHole makes a good effort. The asshole doesn’t ever care [Sadly…turn on!] and the “nice guy” is only listening while imagining you naked.

These are but a few examples.

Getting in Touch with Your Inner NiceHole: Self-Assessment

To determine where you fall on the graph requires a self-assessment…honest self-assessment. You should also take into consideration the input of friends, who will often lie to you, and exes, who will often despise you. Mix it together and come up with the end result.

Where you take it from there, is up entirely to you. I wish I could offer specific advice on how to better behave like one, but each person’s level of self-regulation is different.

That is for you to figure out.

As for me, some of you may think I’m amazing and others think I’m an arrogant prick. Yes, yes I am.

I’m a NiceHole. Nice to meet you.

Footnotes:

  1. Thank you Dennis Leary.
  2. NDF was shocked, in fact, when I sang “Asshole” for karaoke one night. In her fantasy reality, I was this incredible, straight-laced guy who was the most awesome person ever. The first time she heard me swear, she made me repeat it because she didn’t believe I had said it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have you met me?
  3. It is also a great pickup line for Men, Women, Straight and Gay. “What’s up…Nice Hole!”
  4. Historical records show that the “Civilization of the Nice Guy” was lost after it was invaded by the French. See folks, even the French can whup up on a nice guy.
  5. They only started dating because she was hoping to make me jealous. I wouldn’t give her the time of day because we all called her a succubus [Do you need any more proof than “special sheets”?]6
  6. BTW, I still hate you Diablorobotica for forcing the rest of us to have this horrible visual as well.
  7. You were warned: Assholes exist because there are always plenty of women to put up with it. Thus, the majority of complete pricks are not motivated to change because they can ALWAYS get laid somewhere. [I am not saying this is right…just that it is] If women wanted to rid the world of assholes, they would have to unite as one against Tryassany. How likely is that to happen? [I’ll blog upon this some other time]
  8.  Anti-buttloads = Women in naked magazines and Anime.

Colossal Acts of Denial: Why Are You Always Shouting?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on May 26, 2010

[FYI, reader participation for part 2 is encouraged. See not at the bottom for details]

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far 1

–Theodore Roosevelt

Most of us have seen that ridiculous commercial “Declaration”, the one with the couple in random location in Europe. It’s the one where the guy starts screaming out “I LOVE THIS WOMAN!” He then, of course, follows this up with jewelry. [Ladies, just because he went to Jared doesn’t mean a thing. I mean, look at Kobe Bryant23]

If I could ask that guy one question, it would be this: Why the hell are you shouting? Who are you trying to convince? [To the Europeans in the commercial, his shouting is the equivalent of “burning rubber’ in your muscle car…both signs of a small penis].

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Update: Women Kicking Ass…

Posted in Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on May 24, 2010

So, for those of you who read this before, here is an update: We beat that team of trash-talkers again last night and won the league championship. The victory was largely the result of all five women contributing with at least 2 hits each in the game.

Feel free to check out this blog again to be reminded about how much women can ROCK!:

https://cluexfour.wordpress.com/2010/03/26/particle-physics-attraction-kicking-ass-and-more-ways-women-rock/

Counterpoint: Unfollow Friday Questions Remain

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on May 20, 2010

(Disclaimer: All comments need to be civil. They may be edited at ClueXfour’s discresion if there are any that are about people, not ideas)

I had to laugh as I saw the trending hashtag Tuesday, considering the blog drama that occurred on May 14. Now, it is probably pure coincidence, especially since the tag is horribly misspelled. Probably…and, since tomorrow is another #FF, this issue will likely continue to fester.

First, let it be said that I’m all for a positive blogging community, though, initially, I had to learn how to walk the line when I wanted to challenge someone’s opinions. It is a very fine line, let me tell you, and I crossed it more than once. I sincerely hope the community never disintegrates into the nonsense you can see in the comments section of almost any CNN.com story.

However, I question the moral high ground that the boycotting bloggers are standing on. Now, I’m not saying that people don’t have a right to choose who they associate with. By all means, you are allowed to pick who your friends are and aren’t. But, to make the statement that we will not promote any blogger who engages in negative statements or personal attacks opens our own ethics up to a slippery slope.

Opening question: How can we take a moral stand against this sort of blogging when, in our own blogs, we attack, ridicule, and make fun of people ourselves?

 Yes, we keep them anonymous by giving them silly initials or nicknames. But, our behavior is not far removed from that which we claimed to abhor in others. Do we not use their words and actions in ways that are, at their best, impolite?

I’ll go a step further. Our blogging behaviors are, at times, suspect because we rarely invite the subjects of our blogs to come defend themselves or explain their side of the story. We don’t invite them to expound upon our crazy or idiosyncrasies to others in our circle of influence. Nor do we inform them that private conversations [text, phone, or e-mails] will become exposed to analysis, criticism, public debate, and ridicule. We don’t tell them that making fun of them is our entertainment.

Make no mistake, I am OK with what we all write about. Not only is it entertaining, it’s therapeutic for the author and the reader in the shared experience. I believe that through inquiry into someone else’s flaws, we come closer to identifying our own. The shared experience is the most important thing about what we write about. That is what creates our sense of community.

Thus, I cannot, in good conscience, stand on higher ground knowing what I write, and will continue to write, about. To me, this seems hypocritical.

How This Situation Equates to RL:

 I can stop being friends with the perpetrator [not that I was before].  I do not feel, however, that it is right for me to tell someone else to terminate a friendship with another person. I wouldn’t do that in real life, why would I do it online? Someone else is allowed to make their own judgment as to who they want to be friends with.

I’ve heard it said by some that they don’t want to even “see” this person’s name in their Twitter stream. Again, how realistic would that be for a real life? I’m a regular at a country bar near where I live in Orange County. There are real life people who are just as hurtful as the blogger in question, often worse. It is safe to say, I don’t like them.

Do I like seeing them? Not particularly. However, I know that by being a member of the OC country scene, I have to accept that they will be there and I have to be OK with it. What is the alternative…try to get them thrown out? At least I don’t have to talk to them or listen to what they are talking about. The same can be said about someone else’s blog. Sure, you see the link in a RT, but you don’t have to click on it.

Back to the bar and my friends who still associate with those people. I don’t stop being friends with them. Sure, I may avoid talking to them when they are around the object of my dislike, but that does not prevent me from ever talking to them at all. I just talk to them when that person is not around, or I wait to talk to them at other venues.

Options:

It’s a part of blogosphere, just as it is a part of real life. The only option you do have at the bar is to leave. The Twitter equivalent would be to stop tweeting and reading tweets for a while.

There is one other option, however. You can embrace the hypocrisy of our blogs loudly and proudly. I’m totally down with that.

Hi, my name is JD…and I am a sometimes hypocrite and oft times giant whale penis.

Thanks for stopping by.

Postscript: Extra concern

 It also alarms me because what limits have we established amongst ourselves behavior we will turn our backs on. This all started because of verbal assaults online. Does it stop there? What if one of the bloggers engages in behavior that hurts another blogger offsite? The victim has been traumatized and is devastated. It didn’t happen in the blogosphere, but is far more egregious than anything that has happened online. Then what? In some of our own blogs, some of us even admit to similar behaviors. So, by unfollowing, are we being consistent or is it just more hypocrisy.

Preventing Disaster: Honest Evaluation is Essential to Prevent Starting an Ill-Fated LDR

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 18, 2010

The connection seems a little fuzzy on my end

“Why do all these quotes sound like a bad greeting card [ www.lovingfromadistance.com/quotes.html] ?”  –Me, 5/18/10

Recently, I had an opportunity to rekindle a relationship with an ex with whom I had some strong ties a little over five years ago. She contacted me via Facebook and we started talking extensively. It was like old times, new times, good times, and great times.

But, the thing was, she was not coming back this way anytime soon, if ever. Her current job was almost 1000 miles away and future job prospects reached out over 3000 miles.  We talked about the possibility of a LDR and exactly what that might look like.

To make an LDR successful, both parties have to be active participants. A great deal of effort is required to keep both people’s emotional needs taken care of, especially when other needs are lacking. There are even complete guides on how to make one work at wiki-how and askmen.com, to name a few.

So, those of you who are aware of my continued singleness might wonder, “what happened?” and might be expecting to read a blog about her going “crazy train” on me. The truth is, I came to the realization of one simple fact that makes an LDR unsustainable for me:

I’m far too selfish to participate in an LDR. [I know the whole “It’s not you, It’s me” conversation is usually bullshit. But, yeah, it’s me]1

Here are some tips for being in an LDR that, frankly, I just don’t see myself ever being truly into [taken from the two websites linked above]:

Do Things Together and Go On Dates: Watch TV shows together, or movies simultaneously.

  • OK, I’ve done this in local relationships via text message and, frankly, I found it annoying then. Sure, if there is something really funny or amazing, I might send out a text to someone saying “Did you see that?” However, replicating the in-person experience is just downright cumbersome and, frankly, annoying. Can you imagine being on a phone during a movie? [I’ve seen this]
  • Besides, there are just some experiences I can’t share…like live comedy or live theatre. Can you imagine texting during Wicked [I’ve seen people doing this too. They were also wearing flip-flops and shorts]

Schedule communication:

  • I have enough trouble scheduling communication with someone who is local. I’ve usually got a lot going on and am easily distracted.
  • OK, that sounds like an excuse and it would be, if I wasn’t acknowledging the following fact: I choose to have a lot going on and am happy with most of those choices. I generally enjoy my travels and activities.
  • I’m good at touching bases via text/e-mail. However, for most people, this is not extensive contact, nor relationship nurturing communication [These days, I’d rather blog than write a long e-mail to someone. Good grief, what does that say about me].

Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart:

  • This works when you are talking about reading a book or listening to music. But, it kinda defeats the purpose of me when I can’t be in the physical presence of the person I seek to share these interests with.
  • I want to see facial expressions and other body language. It’s just not the same experience and, frankly, though my imagination is a powerful thing, it’s not even close to the same [If your common interests include frequent sex…good luck with that].

Learn Discipline and Delayed Gratification3:

  • I’m far to impulsive. Delayed gratification is so not me.
  • Yes, in other areas of my life, I’ve learned a little self-control and discipline [for five, maybe ten whole minutes]. I’ve learned patience, for example, when it comes to reasonably sized purchases [for five, maybe ten whole days].
  • In my professional life, I work very hard to gain long term results. Still, I like to see immediate progress.
  • But, yeah, I’m impulsive and spontaneous.

These are just a few of the ideas for having an LDR. I know I do not speak for everyone. So, if any of my readers or tweeters gets any notions about an LDR, you might want to check out sites like: http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/

Yeah, I looked. I so don’t want to read that either. But, like I said, I’m just not cut out for this gig. Maybe you aren’t either.

I'm almost assistant manager of plumbing fixtures.

Footnotes:

  1. I suppose one could make an argument that I just wasn’t that into her. Well, technically, that would be correct. But, at a distance of 1000 miles, I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever been with I would be “that into”. Though, I suppose it’s theoretically possible.2
  2. And I could theoretically cure cancer too.
  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There is such a thing? Come on…you guys don’t have this skill either.4
  4. No really. If our society was founded on delayed gratification, we wouldn’t by $500,000 homes because we got a raise at the Piggly Wiggly.

Junk Ink: “Wanna Suck My Hello Kitty?”

Posted in WTF? by Wingnut on May 5, 2010

I was talking to Hot Topic at the bar last night [HT very attractive young Ginger-American, see Darren Carter for another example of GA] as she was avoiding following her friend onto the karaoke patio. [Yes, the cowboy bar I go to has karaoke on Tuesdays and if you think rednecks can’t sing, you should hear wanna be rednecks!] No, it wasn’t the bad singing that was keeping her inside near the bar, nor the company of yours truly. She was trying to avoid being noticed by an apparent “ejunkulator” known as The Creeper. [In the top10 of nicknames you don’t want to have]

As she pointed him out [alarmingly he was talking to some of my other friends], she explained that she had met him at another karaoke venue that she frequents. After weeks of casual small talk [you know, the kind you use to feel out that girl/guy you are interested when you frequent a social environment]. Well, he had finally gotten comfortable enough to take the next steps. Turns out his next steps were a disastrous ejunkulation, the kind of epic fail you only read about.1

FAIL #1 – The Creeper figured now would be a good time to buy her drinks. This, by itself, wasn’t a fail. Add a repeated request to make out [Let me guess…hmmm…karaoke bar…he’d been drinking? DING! DING! DING!]2. According to HT, this went on for the duration of the evening, with Creeper reminding her that he bought her drinks so she should make out with him. [This qualifies as another common, poor logic argument that guys try to use to seduce women…unsuccessfully].3

I think, from the look on HT’s face, this would have been enough to earn him the name Creeper. I was about to get an education in a whole new form of ejunkulation that I never even considered existed [And, the parts of me on Denial Island swear that none of this ever happened].

Depending on where it's located, it could be worse!

FAIL #2—The conversation goes something like what follows:

Creeper: So, I was thinking of getting a tattoo. Do you think I should get a tattoo?

HT [Clearly disinterested]: Um…sure.

Creeper: Don’t you want to know where I’m going to get it?

HT [?!?!?!?]: Um…

Creeper: I’m going to get my penis tattooed!

HT [?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!] Um…[wishing she could simply run fast and far] WTF?

Creeper: Yeah, I’ve always wanted…..

HT [?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!] Oh, I think it’s my turn to sing!

Creeper: But you aren’t even in the rotation…

HT: I’m doing a duet with that girl over there [pointing in the first direction she can think of]. I’ve got to go.

Creeper [as she moves away]: I’ll show it to you whe…[she can no longer hear him because she is almost sprinting now]

Analysis: Before we have a very frank discussion on how WRONG this is, it must be said that he is not the only one who has this ridiculous notion of getting junk ink. In fact, when you type in the search terms: Penis tattoo yahoo answers, you get 250,000 hits!  Have some men truly lost their minds? 4

I need to emphasize the point, in case there are those of you readers out there who didn’t get the memo: If you get a tattoo on your penis, fewer women will choose to sleep with you. In fact, I think fewer gay men will be interested in you as well. There is NOTHING COOL about inking your junk.

In case you missed it:

MEMORANDUM
RE: Junk Ink
WOMEN DON’T WANT YOUR JUNK TO HAVE INK
End memo.

Another example of this utter insanity–

From Yahoo Answers: “Okay I’ve seen this asked before, but this is a different design. So seriously, I am considering of all things getting a Hello Kitty tattoo on the head of my penis. My girl friend is crazy about the idea. I’m not too worried about the pain. This post won’t make my decision, but what would you think finding Hello Kitty on the head of a penis?”

HELLO KITTY? HELLO KITTY!!!!!!!!!!

I’m willing to bet that most women who unzipped a guys fly and found Hello Kitty would fall over in uncontrollable laughter, say simply “No. No. I so can’t do this”, and quickly bolt from the room. [Maybe the worst pickup line ever: “Hey baby, wanna suck my Hello Kitty?”]5

Still not cool!

MEMORANDUM
RE: Hello Kitty Junk
REALLY? HELLO FREAKIN’ KITTY? YEAH, YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID EVER AGAIN!
End memo.

Honestly, no woman is every worth doing that for…EVER. [If you are a woman out there and you think you are worth it…please walk the other way, I honestly don’t want to meet you] 6

I’m willing to bet that Yahoo Answer boy’s girlfriend is not crazy about the idea from a “it will turn me on” standpoint. If she is pushing the idea, it’s because it will brand him forever. He will never again be able to sleep with a woman without explaining “her”. Who knew it would actually be better if she simply asked you to tattoo her name on her shoulder? In fact, if you are willing to go this far for a woman, just let her pee on you to mark her territory. It’s less expensive and much faster. [junk ink is like a hickey, multiplied by 10549213924293123].

Addendum: Yea, so in talking this over in the lunch room, Mrs. Scarface [because of Al Pacino related stuff] mentioned she met a skirt-wearing guy [not kilt] who had a chain attached to his cock and balls via rings in both. That might be bad by itself, but, it had a BELL?!??!?!? Yes, his junk jingled as he walked.

MEMORANDUM
RE: Jingle Cock
I…JUST…DON’T…KNOW….
End blog

Footnotes:

  1. I do sincerely apologize for any of you this has actually happened to. No person should ever have to go through this.
  2. “Wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out…wanna make out,” has never been much of a pickup line.
  3. [I am drunk and purchased the drinks/I want to make out with her/Therefore, she should make out with me]
  4. This is clearly evidence of the affirmative.
  5. My colleague TH confirmed it because when she read this and said it out loud, she was crying because she was laughing so hard.
  6. OK, if you are hot. I’ll still meet you, but only to sleep with you. After that, take your hello kitty and get the hell out.

Shifting the Collective Unconsciousness: Love in the Time of Obama

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on March 23, 2010

(Disclaimer: This post has nothing Obama. But, this is the “time of Obama” so to speak. Furthermore, his  name just sounds something like Cholera (see this book for details). The subsequent association between the two terms you now have is entirely incidental, if incidental means mildly on purpose.)

“It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.”

—Carl Jung

During prosperous times for the psychoanalytic school of psychology (defined as before people discovered Freud was just as pervy as the next guy), Carl Jung postulated that, while we all have our own unique thoughts and experiences, we also share a set of thoughts and ideas with that dumbass who just called 911 to report their order from Wendy’s had extra mayo instead of extra mustard.

Now, before you all look in the mirror and envision exchanges between yourself (aka Topher Grace) and Kirkwood Smith1, it should be explained that this does not mean your next trip to Arby’s will end with a call to the LAPD2. It does mean, however, that:

“…in addition to our immediate consciousness…there exists a second psychic system of a collective, universal, and impersonal nature which is identical in all individuals. This collective unconscious does not develop individually but is inherited. It consists of pre-existent forms, the archetypes, which can only become conscious secondarily and which give definite form to certain psychic contents.”

Even though you may not be calling the FBI’s BAU to complain about the content of this blog (I see you dialing. Put the phone down!), you may share the same sense of entitlement that drives 911-guy to complain to a Federal Officer that I am committing verbal hate crimes against guys who dial 911 for stupid shit (Don’t you dare press send!).

Maybe you are different and, if you are, I sorry that your “best participator” certificate got lost in the mail a few years back. We will rush you a replacement, if you believe you are entitled to one, along with the “best forgiver” award you just earned. (Random Thought: How many people can be “World’s Best Dad” anyway?)

All kidding aside (for at least a few sentences), Jung hypothesized that, while we each develop individually, we also inherit a set of ideas and ideals from the society into which we were born. Ideas about sexuality, love, parenthood, intelligence, money, power, etc. are largely shared because the ideas are psychological imprint. In more basic terms, there is a tramp stamp3 on the back of each of our psyches.  And. Because we live in a society where the primary children’s network (aka Disney Channel) features characters sneaking into a strip club (Zack and Cody), you have some deep-seated problems and need some serious counseling my friend (I, of course, do not because I only ride the crazy train every other Tuesday).

Nowhere is this more prevalent than in the area of love and romance (For society as a whole, not just you. Talk about self-important)

There was a time when the concept of love was viewed very differently by society and, on the whole, society seemed to function pretty well. It is only in the last 30 years or so that the “fairy tale” romance has become the backbone for our view of love and marriage45. You could try to prove me wrong by arguing Shakespeare wrote one of the greatest love stories ever told, Romeo and Juliet. And you would be correct because this, in fact, is the Bible when it comes to why REBOUND relationships can be a BAD IDEA. (Honestly, RJ was about social issues of the time).  In fact, I have it on good authority that Shakespeare did not write The Notebook and that viewing the movie Titanic was the actual cause of his death6.

Love was something more, something deeper that has been cheapened, to some degree, by this shift toward the intense and fleeting. Our attention span for “real love” and “smart choices” has turned into a 30-minute sitcom. In some respects, love is now this commercialized monstrosity (like Valentine’s Day) where you meet someone and explosions and sparks fly, we make all sorts of promises, buy all sorts of stuff and live happily ever after right? Oh, wait, he forgot to go to Jared. Dump his ass.

How many times are we actually wrong about that person we are going to spend the rest of our life with because we “listen” entirely to what our emotions tell us about how this person makes us feel. As my dear NDF said when I chatted with her last night7, lust and passion are often mistaken for “love.” (I have been guilty of this offense. So, I completely understand what she was saying…I may lust after you Peanut Butter, but I do not actually love you. I’m sorry if this breaks your heart8).

For a large segment of our society, love is that “mystical emotion”, something that “just happens” and we have “no control” over it. Never mind the fact that there is loads of evidence that this concept of love just DOES NOT work in a way that leads people to true happiness and allows for excuses for bad behavior and poor choices. (Yes Rachel Uchitel, your decision to quit stripping for Tiger was obviously a bad decision. He may have been married, but you “loved” him right? How is that working out for you?)

The reason for all of this is that our collective unconscious believes that love is an emotion that has something to do with the stars and cosmos; and, we can’t control our emotions can we?

We, in fact, can.

The hope and change we need comes in recognizing that love as an action.

(Part 2 will address this revolutionary idea)

Footnotes:

  1. KIRKWOOD SMITH!!!!! (Just for you MR)
  2. Unless they put sauce on my Beef N’ Cheddar. Heads will roll!!!!
  3. It’s not artistic expression…it’s a butterfly.
  4. This is largely because it’s hard for a society to appreciate the greatest love poems of all time when the majority of them couldn’t actually read. They focused on more practical things, like how a man pushed his plow.
  5. Ironically enough, this should have been the time period of the “fairy tale” romance because, when you are dead at 30, you haven’t had time yet to hate your spouse.
  6. He is actually hiding out with Elvis and 2-Pac. And, since his stories are lumped in with the likes of the Ghost Whisperer, I don’t really blame him.
  7. Hello again MiO. You do know you totally rule right?
  8. Don’t worry PB, I know for a fact that the Jelly loves you.