Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

Winning the Yankees Way: Life Lessons Learned from George Steinbrenner

(Any resemblance to persons real or fictional is entirely incidental, except those people who are actual Yankees. As for the stuff, if you think I’m talking about you…you might want to consider why you feel that way. If you think I’m talking about someone else…you might want to consider coming back from “Denial Island”)

Mason (Sean Connery): Are you sure you’re ready for this? [walks up staircase]

Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage): I’ll do my best.

Mason: [stops and motions back to Goodspeed] Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!

As a Yankees fan, I have a particular bias to all things pinstripes. I truly believe that my team exhibits the best in any and all things, which is why so many other teams try to be like us or are simply just jealous. [I hear your objections and I scoff! if your team spent the kind of money ours does to try and win, you would not be complaining]

Of course, over the years, I’ve been trained to think that by George Steinbrenner. But, considering my personality and behavior, is it really any shock that I’ve spent the last twenty-four years proudly wearing the NY in my daily life?1

My personality is naturally drawn to teams like the Yankees. They exhibit all the qualities that an alpha-Jock Dork like me strives to incorporate in my own life. I may be genetically disposed to root for the Bronx Bombers. But, I have also been shaped by lessons taught by George Steinbrenner and his ownership of the Yankees.

 Over the next few days, I will be sharing a few of those lessons that I may have learned from Steinbrenner [I acknowledge that I may have learned some of these elsewhere as well]. These lessons apply to business, friendships, relationships, and life in general.

Today’s lesson: Winning.

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Cheating: A Different Kind of Shark Week

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on July 6, 2010

To my regular readers who don’t follow me on Twittter, I am currently collaborating with  Zoe Blue from WinkWinkWink, Mr. GuyDudeBro from ilovehernot, Just a  Jenn from Life @ Twenty-Something in a five-post exploration of questions and issues surrounding cheating at The Fantastical Ramblings of a Chronic Overthinker by TurnJacson.

Day #1: What qualifies as cheating? [Clearly, things like Warcraft dancing and Twighlight fandom right? In my opinion, they are no different than a strip club]

Day #2: Can a Cheater Change? [Yes, Tiger Woods has become a craptastic golfer! Oh, not the change you were looking for? Then, I think…]

Day #3 Would You Date A Cheater? [“Sorry Bro” and other reasons some people are too stupid to be dating]

Day #4 Do You “Out” the Cheater? [Jesse James sharing hookers with Al Gore? Say it ain’t so (OK, it actually isn’t)]

Day #5 How Much Responsibility Does the Victim of Cheating Have? [Partner’s Needs Amnesia and other fun microbes you bring to the relationship]

For All Your Dating Needs: Ask an Asshole if You Want Useful Advice!

People don’t hide who they are. It is we who choose the glasses through which we filter their image.
 
 
 
 

–ClueXPhilosopher

 

In the my earlier incarnation as a “concrete cowboy” [My term for “Urban Cowboy” is way better], there were certain services that I provided to my female friends that merited the printing of business cards. No, not THOSE services [I was a douche, but that would have made me a King Kong Mega douche1]. At the time, one of the things I was known for was being a good listener and providing sound ClueXFour-style advice.2  These cards said, “Resident Cowboy Psychologist.”

Make no mistake, I was not the “nice guy” who didn’t get laid. Most of those women who came to me were those I had plans to sleep with in the near future or had already slept with and planned to again at some point in time if I needed a booty call.3

Whatever my intentions were, women came to me because I hit them upside with the brutal truth [In my old age, I have learned a little tact. I prepare them…then I brain them with the truth]. Women didn’t come to me for sympathy. They came to me when they needed someone to shoot straight with them.

They came to me when they needed an asshole. (more…)

Thinking Inside-the-Box; or, NiceHole: Graphing What Women Really Want

[Disclaimer: There may be copious amounts of ego on display in this blog. Yeah, that’s how I roll].

I have been asked on more than one occasion what type of guy I consider myself (twice recently) on my own scale of nice-guy v. asshole.  If you are unfamiliar with my theory (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret that most women don’t even realize.

For those of you who know me, this is not a criticism on what any of you may think of me one way or the other [Though sometimes I’m amused at what people think of me]2. Some think I am the pinnacle of warm, sweet, and caring behavior, while others think that when I sing the words, “I’m an asshole, and proud of it,”1 never truer words have been spoken [thankfully they love me anyway].

I like to think that I am what all women want. OK, before you say, “Holy crap! Talk about ego!” let me explain because this assumption is loosely based upon what little I understand about women [Although, I am, in fact, full of myself and understand nothing about women]. It is not me, specifically, that women want. It is the relative balance between good guy and complete prick which is what women most desire.

Women really want a NiceHole. [This portmanteau sounded like a far better combination of NG and AH than NiceAss, AssNice, AssGuy, GuyAss, GuyHole, HoleGuy]3

Background Info

Women talk about nice guys like they are some sort of endangered species. Some common associations include: “All the good ones are taken…”  “Why can’t I find someone who will treat me decently?” “Where are all the nice guys?” The way women talk about it, any day now I expect to cover story for National Geographic to be, “The Lost Civilization of Nice Guy.”4

Now, I personally don’t believe the “nice guy” exists as advertised anyway [Again, refer back to the “Nice Guy Conundrum” for details]. To summarize for the lazy among you, these “nice” guys are hoping to get laid as much as the next guy; they are just too pussy to go out and get it. [If you are a lazy reader, refer to the graph in place of the upcoming math-related section]

Furthermore, women don’t want this guy anyway, no matter what they tell you. I repeat WOMEN DON’T WANT THIS GUY ANYWAY! The reason is simple: Women don’t like floor mats and everyone who is associated with the label “nice guy” is a floor mat. Is there an exception? Sure. However, this is a woman who has made her man buy “special sheets” so she can show her lack of respect for him in a Golden Fountain of ways. [Sadly, this floor mat used to be one of my friends] Of course what these exception women won’t tell you is this: They are fantasizing about a much stronger man [In her case…me.]5

So, why do women pursue the asshole? It comes down to a matter of confidence. Women love confidence, no matter if it comes in 99% Distilled Douchebag form. Confidence turns all women on. I repeat Confidence turns ALL women on! It can be false confidence, over compensation confidence, or real, genuine “I kick ass!” confidence. The type doesn’t matter. Women want it and they are often willing to be trampled on, insulted, and mistreated to get it. [Maybe someday I’ll explain why assholes continue to flourish, though I guarantee women won’t like the answer]7.

The Happy Medium

So, when it comes down to it, the ideal guy for most women is one who has balance, roughly equal parts nice guy/asshole. They want a guy who can, and often is, a decent human being. At the same time, he must also have a backbone, be able to hold his own against her, and even have a little swagger. Sometimes, he even can be a relatively assholish, as long as the behavior isn’t prolonged or egregious.

You know it women, this is what you want. And these guys are out there, though in relatively short supply.  

Let us quantify this a bit. [Warning: Math Content Ahead. Yes, I am a nerd and actually created a graph]

Think of it like a graph with Nice Guy on the X-Axis and Asshole on the Y-Axis. [The best part is, I’ve done the graphing for you…with shading and labels!] Plot the graph from the origin through X,Y coordinates that are equal [1,1; 2,2…10,10]. This is called the NiceHole Equivalency Ratio Axis.  If a guy’s personality falls around the line, he is considered equal parts Nice Guy and Asshole.

Now perfect equality is rare. However, there are guys who hover the line within a certain range most of the time. These are the ideal selections for most women.

If a guy is too far above the line, he is far more asshole than nice guy. Granted, he will have buttloads of women to choose from [yes, buttloads!]. Someone too far below the line is spineless and usually only useful for wiping your feet on. He will have anti-buttloads of women available to him.8

This is not an exact science because there are two other limits that should act as disqualifiers. If you look at the graph, you will see two vertical lines. Women should disqualify everyone to the left of the Zero-Personality Threshold. Sure, a guy who register 3,3 on the scale might have equal halves. However, they will also have the personality of a banana slug.

People above the axis line to the left of the ZPT are all those guys you’ve dreamed of turning into your personal floor mat.

Likewise, a person beyond 7,7 would be equally balanced. However, this is what we like to call the Batterer Alert Threshold. Anyone who knows anything about abusive relationships will always say the following: “Yes, I know it can get really bad…but when it’s good, it’s SOOOOOO good.” This is not a shock because their superior-level of asshole is interchangeable with an equal level of nice guy. Some, below the axis, still have some nice guy in them, but it is far too little to compensate for being giant testicle.

Ideally, women want to find men inside the four boundaries. Men should, in turn, strive to do their best to be inside the box [Yes boys and girls, being “outside the box” is sometimes a bad thing].

NiceHoles in the Wild: What does this look like anyway and how do I get me some?

I was going to try to get away without having to think up examples of what this actually looks like because it really is hard to quantify. However, I think I can give you some “ideas” of the type of guy he is and some ideas of what he is not.

A NiceHole will be there for you when you truly need it. If you are having a crisis, a NiceHole will be available for you to lean on, cry on, and rely on. However, while the floor mat will always be there, the NiceHole will recognize when you are abusing this privilege and will inform you of such [This involves communication, not the typical passive-aggressive response, which is to simply be unavailable. P-A = Asshole]. The NiceHole is strong enough to follow up with action and tell you no. You may hate him for this, but, ultimately, a firm NO when you are out of line creates the perfect paradox. You are infuriated, yet turned on how strong he is. [Sadly, the Asshole will simply call you a bitch. Even sadder, it will still turn some of you on].

A NiceHole will hold his ground in an argument. This does not mean that he spends the whole time trying to prove that “you are wrong”. He may be wrong and, at some point, will freely admit to it, though not necessarily at that moment. Unlike the “Nice Guy”, the NiceHole does not simply give in and roll over. This will infuriate you, and turn you on. But, at least, in his arguments, he won’t call you stupid or any other name that is designed to insult you and hurt your feelings. [Name Calling = Asshole, though sadly, this will also turn some of you on.]

A NiceHole will attempt to listen to you, but will freely admit that he cannot completely follow some of your conversations because they are rapid, fast-paced, and there is only so much he can hear about “Gray’s Anatomy” before his head explodes. But, at least the NiceHole makes a good effort. The asshole doesn’t ever care [Sadly…turn on!] and the “nice guy” is only listening while imagining you naked.

These are but a few examples.

Getting in Touch with Your Inner NiceHole: Self-Assessment

To determine where you fall on the graph requires a self-assessment…honest self-assessment. You should also take into consideration the input of friends, who will often lie to you, and exes, who will often despise you. Mix it together and come up with the end result.

Where you take it from there, is up entirely to you. I wish I could offer specific advice on how to better behave like one, but each person’s level of self-regulation is different.

That is for you to figure out.

As for me, some of you may think I’m amazing and others think I’m an arrogant prick. Yes, yes I am.

I’m a NiceHole. Nice to meet you.

Footnotes:

  1. Thank you Dennis Leary.
  2. NDF was shocked, in fact, when I sang “Asshole” for karaoke one night. In her fantasy reality, I was this incredible, straight-laced guy who was the most awesome person ever. The first time she heard me swear, she made me repeat it because she didn’t believe I had said it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have you met me?
  3. It is also a great pickup line for Men, Women, Straight and Gay. “What’s up…Nice Hole!”
  4. Historical records show that the “Civilization of the Nice Guy” was lost after it was invaded by the French. See folks, even the French can whup up on a nice guy.
  5. They only started dating because she was hoping to make me jealous. I wouldn’t give her the time of day because we all called her a succubus [Do you need any more proof than “special sheets”?]6
  6. BTW, I still hate you Diablorobotica for forcing the rest of us to have this horrible visual as well.
  7. You were warned: Assholes exist because there are always plenty of women to put up with it. Thus, the majority of complete pricks are not motivated to change because they can ALWAYS get laid somewhere. [I am not saying this is right…just that it is] If women wanted to rid the world of assholes, they would have to unite as one against Tryassany. How likely is that to happen? [I’ll blog upon this some other time]
  8.  Anti-buttloads = Women in naked magazines and Anime.

“I’m a Good Person and People Like Me”: No Stuart, You are King Deusche! (Shouting Part Two)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on June 3, 2010
 
 

No matter how often you say it, doesn't make it true!

Issues of Self: I’m OK [Though I’m really a hot-fucking mess]

It amazes me sometimes the things we will shout about ourselves in an effort to maintain the thin veil of our own sanity. Much like the bloated statements about how “fantisterastic” a relationship is, these statements are fraught with all sorts of fault lines, the smallest which can fracture at the slightest glimpse of its reflection. [Reflected image = Epic Sanity Fail]

That “glimpse” is what people fear most. To look in the mirror means having to admit that their fool-hearty attempt to pass the “I’m OK” test has been futile. [Fuck I need to fix my fixation with the “f”]. Acquaintances and new friends are often unaware of these cracks. They believe what the people say about themselves without too much questioning. Little do they know [I once taught a whole class on “Little did he know”1], each firm declaration of self is really a subconscious confession of the opposite.

Those a little closer to the precipice or within the inner circle are more astute observers and can adequately evaluate each “self-statement” for its “complete bullshit” levels. Every so often, they might even call the person on it [This is often followed by “friendship Armageddon”] (more…)

Colossal Acts of Denial: Why Are You Always Shouting?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on May 26, 2010

[FYI, reader participation for part 2 is encouraged. See not at the bottom for details]

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far 1

–Theodore Roosevelt

Most of us have seen that ridiculous commercial “Declaration”, the one with the couple in random location in Europe. It’s the one where the guy starts screaming out “I LOVE THIS WOMAN!” He then, of course, follows this up with jewelry. [Ladies, just because he went to Jared doesn’t mean a thing. I mean, look at Kobe Bryant23]

If I could ask that guy one question, it would be this: Why the hell are you shouting? Who are you trying to convince? [To the Europeans in the commercial, his shouting is the equivalent of “burning rubber’ in your muscle car…both signs of a small penis].

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Preventing Disaster: Honest Evaluation is Essential to Prevent Starting an Ill-Fated LDR

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 18, 2010

The connection seems a little fuzzy on my end

“Why do all these quotes sound like a bad greeting card [ www.lovingfromadistance.com/quotes.html] ?”  –Me, 5/18/10

Recently, I had an opportunity to rekindle a relationship with an ex with whom I had some strong ties a little over five years ago. She contacted me via Facebook and we started talking extensively. It was like old times, new times, good times, and great times.

But, the thing was, she was not coming back this way anytime soon, if ever. Her current job was almost 1000 miles away and future job prospects reached out over 3000 miles.  We talked about the possibility of a LDR and exactly what that might look like.

To make an LDR successful, both parties have to be active participants. A great deal of effort is required to keep both people’s emotional needs taken care of, especially when other needs are lacking. There are even complete guides on how to make one work at wiki-how and askmen.com, to name a few.

So, those of you who are aware of my continued singleness might wonder, “what happened?” and might be expecting to read a blog about her going “crazy train” on me. The truth is, I came to the realization of one simple fact that makes an LDR unsustainable for me:

I’m far too selfish to participate in an LDR. [I know the whole “It’s not you, It’s me” conversation is usually bullshit. But, yeah, it’s me]1

Here are some tips for being in an LDR that, frankly, I just don’t see myself ever being truly into [taken from the two websites linked above]:

Do Things Together and Go On Dates: Watch TV shows together, or movies simultaneously.

  • OK, I’ve done this in local relationships via text message and, frankly, I found it annoying then. Sure, if there is something really funny or amazing, I might send out a text to someone saying “Did you see that?” However, replicating the in-person experience is just downright cumbersome and, frankly, annoying. Can you imagine being on a phone during a movie? [I’ve seen this]
  • Besides, there are just some experiences I can’t share…like live comedy or live theatre. Can you imagine texting during Wicked [I’ve seen people doing this too. They were also wearing flip-flops and shorts]

Schedule communication:

  • I have enough trouble scheduling communication with someone who is local. I’ve usually got a lot going on and am easily distracted.
  • OK, that sounds like an excuse and it would be, if I wasn’t acknowledging the following fact: I choose to have a lot going on and am happy with most of those choices. I generally enjoy my travels and activities.
  • I’m good at touching bases via text/e-mail. However, for most people, this is not extensive contact, nor relationship nurturing communication [These days, I’d rather blog than write a long e-mail to someone. Good grief, what does that say about me].

Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart:

  • This works when you are talking about reading a book or listening to music. But, it kinda defeats the purpose of me when I can’t be in the physical presence of the person I seek to share these interests with.
  • I want to see facial expressions and other body language. It’s just not the same experience and, frankly, though my imagination is a powerful thing, it’s not even close to the same [If your common interests include frequent sex…good luck with that].

Learn Discipline and Delayed Gratification3:

  • I’m far to impulsive. Delayed gratification is so not me.
  • Yes, in other areas of my life, I’ve learned a little self-control and discipline [for five, maybe ten whole minutes]. I’ve learned patience, for example, when it comes to reasonably sized purchases [for five, maybe ten whole days].
  • In my professional life, I work very hard to gain long term results. Still, I like to see immediate progress.
  • But, yeah, I’m impulsive and spontaneous.

These are just a few of the ideas for having an LDR. I know I do not speak for everyone. So, if any of my readers or tweeters gets any notions about an LDR, you might want to check out sites like: http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/

Yeah, I looked. I so don’t want to read that either. But, like I said, I’m just not cut out for this gig. Maybe you aren’t either.

I'm almost assistant manager of plumbing fixtures.

Footnotes:

  1. I suppose one could make an argument that I just wasn’t that into her. Well, technically, that would be correct. But, at a distance of 1000 miles, I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever been with I would be “that into”. Though, I suppose it’s theoretically possible.2
  2. And I could theoretically cure cancer too.
  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There is such a thing? Come on…you guys don’t have this skill either.4
  4. No really. If our society was founded on delayed gratification, we wouldn’t by $500,000 homes because we got a raise at the Piggly Wiggly.

Missed Connections: And You Call Lloyd Dobler a Stalker?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on May 13, 2010

“I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere? ”  — Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

If you’ve ever seen it, you will never forget the image of Lloyd Dobler outside Diane Court’s room, boom box aloft, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes…” in the air. How can any of us who grew up on a steady diet of 80s teen angst-romance movies ever forget it? Was there ever a more romantic gesture [Yes, I thought about doing this at least one time…but, so did you].123

How did he  get her in the first place? He picked up a telephone and introduced himself. The key here is actual human conversation, followed by a direct request to meet, followed by action, followed by a request to go on a date. It’s a pretty simple mathematical formula that produces results.4 However, results are not always positive, which is why many people observe from a far, hide in the shadows, and fantasize about their own version of Diane Court. It is easier to believe in the “possibility” of someone than to actual do something to get them.

Some, thanks to a good helping of passive-aggressive in their psyche, will even find their ways onto the back pages of the OC Weekly or a website called “Missed Connections”, where they can “reach out” to that person they just can’t stop thinking about [Though, calling it screaming out seems more appropriate].

Example 1 [plus commentary]:

You: very pretty girl with dark hair who seems like a serious runner, which I admire [sure you do]. So few people seriously work out at the gym-but you were… Booking! [What lazy ass gym does he hang out at?]

Me: ran next to you, blonde guy, also booking. [Dude, it’s the treadmill]

Did I mention you were gorgeous?  Hopefully it’s not too late for you to actually hear it [WTF?]. Guess there’s a chance I’ll run into you–or by you, again there [Dude, it’s the TREADMILL…you don’t run by anyone]!

Analysis: Now, I had hoped he was talking about running on a track, with would have at least given him some credibility. But then I realized it had to be the treadmill because he was running “next to her.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong here, but a strange guy running next to you on the track for a prolonged period of time, not saying anything, has got to be a little bit creepy. More importantly, most ladies don’t go to the gym to meet guys anyway [As much as we like to look at them, they don’t actually want to talk to us. The gym, for a woman, is business5]. (more…)

EX Happens: On Getting Italian Jobbed…

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s never to mess with mother nature, mother in-laws and, mother freaking Ukrainians.” Skinny Pete, from The Italian Job

As The Engagement Project moves forward [assuming that’s what happens] in her relationship after a short break, I got to thinking about a situation earlier this year where I was preparing to move forward on a relationship of my own with someone I had been seeing for about six weeks or so. She was a 41-year-old Italian single-mom who had a successful career, was intelligent and was a great deal of fun to be around. I liked her a lot and, when she brought up wanting to take the next step in our relationship, I was looking forward to getting together to have that conversation [Why is it that some people insist on handling relationship changing conversations via text?]. Little did I know I was about to get Italian Jobbed!1

The jobbing took place in and around Valentine’s Day weekend. [VDay + Love Interest JD with no babysitter + Local Meat Market + Large Amounts of Alcohol + Ex-Boyfriend = Bad decisions]

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