ClueXMIA: The Job Hunt and Emotional Exhaustion

[Disclaimer: This post is helping me release some frustration. It will not be edited and probably contains tons of errors because, when it comes to freewriting, I often don’t pay attention to exactly what I’m typing]

I don’t understand how some people have been at this whole unemployed thing for prolonged periods of time without losing their mind [Actually, as I understand it, many people have].

When I went through this last year, I had a reasonable belief that I was going to still have a job at my current school in September. This year, I know that there is no job available. The emotions are very different and it has clouded many of my decisions over the past couple months on issues such as dating.

I know the current economy has created this situation for a lot of people, but there is something about the whole thing that just feels emasculating. I know there is less of a stigma today, but it sure doesn’t feel like it when you are actually saying, “I’m unemployed right now.”

Funny thing, a number of years ago, I wouldn’t have cared much about uttering that phrase. I was perfectly insulated in my self-impossed joblessness [largely due to depression]. This is different. I have worked very hard to become a dedicated/talented educator. I have done much to become the man I want to be. [This process contributed to the downfall of Ex-Fiance #1]

Last year, I was on the verge of buying a house [completing the sense of manhood…I understand that it doesn’t necessarily define being a man…it’s how it feels to me people!]. Now, I’m sliding backwards.

I am normally a positive person, but the repeated rejection has been difficult to swallow. After going on about a dozen  interviews and filling a total of 40+ applications, I am feeling drained.

Even when I nail the interview, I’ve been edged out by a slightly more viable candidate.  I sent a “Thank You” note to one principal who wrote back. She explained that I couldn’t have done any better in the interview, but got beat out by a slightly better candidate. She even recommended me to another principal in the district [with which I interviewed Friday] and asked that I consider applying in the future because she would be happy to have me as a staff member.

I don’t know whether I should feel uplifted by that e-mail, or depressed that even best hasn’t been good enough. What I do know, it is a swirl of emotions that I have not experienced in many years and would appreciate going away very soon. It is hard for me to completely articulate everything I feel.

Dating:

• For the moment, I have called a complete moratorium on dating. I suppose I can still have “fun”, but I have nothing to offer anyone emotionally right now.  I am focused on being the best dad I can be and a good friend, when I can be.
• I have also had to pull away from viable opportunities because of geographic concerns. My geography is undetermined right now and I have been applying for almost every available position in a 150-mile radius. In my opinion, if I did not take this into account when dating someone, it would be dishonest [I don’t believe in the “worry about it later” approach because then people get hurt]. I’ve had to cut off opportunities before anyone got emotionally attached because it was the right thing to do and the fair thing. I cannot encourage someone to fall in love with me, only for me to move to a distance of 100 miles, especially when they are tethered to geography because of other responsibilities.

Blogging and Twitter:

• With the exception of the current blog, I haven’t had a whole lot of emotional energy or focus for writing anything. I have a lot of ideas, things I want to talk about, series to finish. I just can’t get up the mental energy to sit down and write.
• I am finding ways to keep my mind of my current situation, which includes playing a lot of golf, going to the gym, hanging out with my daughters, and playing some video games.
• Mental time is dedicated to tweaking things about my job hunting process to further gain an edge. For example, I just dropped $50 on two e-books on education that were written about one of the districts I’ll be interviewing at this week. I’m going to read as much of the important parts as I can after my interview tomorrow. If I can figure out what my interviewers are looking for specifically, I can tailor my answers to meet their needs. Basically, I’m cramming [This is what it’s come to]

I am working on shaking this funk. For the moment readers, I ask for your patience with my blog and tweets. I will be periodically MIA for a bit longer while I try to shake this funk and get back to being me.

With any luck, I’ll be employed and back to writing on a regular basis.

But don’t worry, I’ll still be reading and will comment from time to time over the next couple weeks. I may post some poetry or may even go back and post some blogs from when I was a blogger-in-training. 😉

[To those I’ve discussed the collaborative project with, I’m still piecing together my angle. I’ll be in touch tomorrow]

Missed Connections: And You Call Lloyd Dobler a Stalker?

“I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere? ”  — Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

If you’ve ever seen it, you will never forget the image of Lloyd Dobler outside Diane Court’s room, boom box aloft, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes…” in the air. How can any of us who grew up on a steady diet of 80s teen angst-romance movies ever forget it? Was there ever a more romantic gesture [Yes, I thought about doing this at least one time…but, so did you].¹²³

How did he  get her in the first place? He picked up a telephone and introduced himself. The key here is actual human conversation, followed by a direct request to meet, followed by action, followed by a request to go on a date. It’s a pretty simple mathematical formula that produces results.⁴ However, results are not always positive, which is why many people observe from a far, hide in the shadows, and fantasize about their own version of Diane Court. It is easier to believe in the “possibility” of someone than to actual do something to get them.

Some, thanks to a good helping of passive-aggressive in their psyche, will even find their ways onto the back pages of the OC Weekly or a website called “Missed Connections”, where they can “reach out” to that person they just can’t stop thinking about [Though, calling it screaming out seems more appropriate].

Example 1 [plus commentary]:

You: very pretty girl with dark hair who seems like a serious runner, which I admire [sure you do]. So few people seriously work out at the gym-but you were… Booking! [What lazy ass gym does he hang out at?]

Me: ran next to you, blonde guy, also booking. [Dude, it’s the treadmill]

Did I mention you were gorgeous?  Hopefully it’s not too late for you to actually hear it [WTF?]. Guess there’s a chance I’ll run into you–or by you, again there [Dude, it’s the TREADMILL…you don’t run by anyone]!

Analysis: Now, I had hoped he was talking about running on a track, with would have at least given him some credibility. But then I realized it had to be the treadmill because he was running “next to her.” Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong here, but a strange guy running next to you on the track for a prolonged period of time, not saying anything, has got to be a little bit creepy. More importantly, most ladies don’t go to the gym to meet guys anyway [As much as we like to look at them, they don’t actually want to talk to us. The gym, for a woman, is business⁵].