Clue-by-Four: Ramblings of a Jock Dork

A Bizarre Love Triangle: The Man of Action is Back

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on January 17, 2011
 
 
 
 

Guess who’s back
Back again
Shady’s back
Tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back
guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back..

 

                                                                                                                -Eminem

My comeback is way better!

I decided that my birthday gift to myself is finally giving myself permission to write again. [This is, of course, after giving myself the gifts of booze, comedy, booze, women, booze, massage, and booze]

Many wild rumors circulate as to the nature of my absence. Some speculate that I have been living the life of the Sultan of Brunai, relishing in nightly debauches with the many members of my harem.

This accusation is absolutely false [I am not in any way, shape, or form a sultan1]

Others speculate I have grown tired of passive-aggressive Twitter drama and weary of openly being an asshole. Also untrue. I can assure you, I’ll never be uncomfortable being a pretentious, pompous, preening prick [As evidences by my need to alliterate].

There have even been those that even speculate that I am in a re…re…re…relationship [Yeah, not sure I can say it again so don’t ask me to]. My reason for absence is, however, closely related to my reasons for not being available for relationship consideration:

I have dedicated the last five months to being the best teacher and colleague I can possibly be at my new school.

[Please note: This is only one of the reasons in the relationship department. I’ll save those for future writings2]

Being a Man of Action Requires Personal Sacrifice

One of my favorite motivational speakers, Eric Thomas, says you have to want success as much as you want to breathe. Hold your breath for a few moments and think about what that feels like the longer you hold it. Multiply that by the “don’t die” reflex and you have a better idea of what he’s talking about.

It isn’t enough for me to be a “pretty good” teacher. If you know anything about me, pretty good just isn’t enough. I play to win and love winners3. Besides, I’m working at a charter school now. I don’t have tenure; job security is based on personal growth and performance. I am also working with a new student population and have to rapidly adapt everything I do well to meet their specific needs and cultural nuances.

I am not the type of person who can phone it in. My days are long and my free time is dedicated to spending time with my kids, staying fit, and, every now and then, getting out or a little free time with friends4.

I Won’t Do You Halfway

Writing and relationships have a few things in common, the largest of which may be time requirement. When I was in a rhythm at my previous job, I had a lot of free time. My grading was streamlined, teaching a well-oiled machine, and thinking a factory of ideas [or fountain of bullshit, depending on your point of view].  But I wasn’t creating curriculum; I wasn’t reinventing teacher @ClueXFour [Though I did perfect #badteacher].

That was then. I am now in a constant state of reinvention. I demand success from myself. To reach a place where I can be happy with my pedagogy, I have to dedicate an inordinate amount of time to the pursuit of mastery. Outside of that, I have time to engage positive stress release at the gym, eat, and pass out…that is if I’m not behind on planning and grading [Which is almost always].

Care to tickle these keys?

My blog has become the neglected girlfriend. There was a time when it was easy to make time for her because it fit into the natural ebb and flow of daily life. There was a time when our relationship was relatively uncomplicated and I could meet her needs. But, as much as I want to sit down and stroke the keys softly with my fingertips, thoughtfully edit her body repeatedly, and gaze longingly at her in the spent aftermath, I just haven’t had the time.

I know what they say: “If you really want her, you will make the time.” In many cases, that is true. But, in some, including mine, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. I want to write; I ache to write; I need to write. It’s not a matter of want, but matter of priorities.5

Likewise, with relationships, I know what my time demands are and what I have available. It isn’t much. Being a textbook Capricorn [I reject the notion your “new” Zodiac], I have an innate drive to succeed. I play to win and, theoretically, I hope my next relationship will have the key ingredients to win.

However, one of those ingredients has to be the mental and physical availability to successfully navigate the natural ebb and flow of any relationship. With my job continuing to evolve, I don’t have either and I refuse to half-ass a relationship. If I can’t dedicate the time and energy required to participate in a relationship, I’m not going to pretend that I can. I would only be fooling someone else and myself.

Does this mean I don’t go out from time to time? No. It just means I am up front with this with any prospective evening companion. [This undoubtedly attracts the label “player”. So be it. Such labels are a semantics argument for another time].

Personal Fulfillment is All That Matters

I know this is not a choice some people can make, but it is the choice that I make. I do not judge those who need that other person to make them feel whole and complete. All I am saying is that I am OK on my own because there are other things that drive me:

  • Watching my girls develop and mature into fine young women fulfills me.
  • Thinking and planning to open the pathways to learning for my students fulfill me.
  • Being the kind of friend who people in need can truly rely on to be there in times of crisis fulfills me.

While I’m sure I would enjoy some aspects of a relationship, the extra burden and pressure of being a successful boyfriend would pull too much away from other areas and I would no longer find fulfillment in any facet of my life because I would be spread too thin. Sure, a relationship isn’t supposed to be a burden or pressure. But, let’s be honest. It requires time and if you have none, it is a constant battle to tread water. I’m not good at treading water6.

That Bizarre Love Triangle that is Blogging

This is not to say that it will be that way forever. Just for now. At least I’ve begun writing again, just not at the torrid pace that defined the beginning of Blog-Year  One.

Thus, I reinitiate the love triangle that is writer-blog-reader.

I’ve missed you.

Welcome back.

.

.

.

.

.

Footnotes:

  1. Though lately I’ve bore a striking resemblance to Charlie Sheen, minus the three-ton liver]
  2. Every now and again, it is me and not you.
  3. See https://cluexfour.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/winning-the-yankees-way-life-lessons-learned-from-george-steinbrenner/ for an example of what I think of winning.
  4. In the words of robot on The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson, “Is that code?”
  5. Like I said, sometimes it is me and not you.
  6. Apparently I’m good at the dog paddle.
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Winning the Yankees Way: Life Lessons Learned from George Steinbrenner

(Any resemblance to persons real or fictional is entirely incidental, except those people who are actual Yankees. As for the stuff, if you think I’m talking about you…you might want to consider why you feel that way. If you think I’m talking about someone else…you might want to consider coming back from “Denial Island”)

Mason (Sean Connery): Are you sure you’re ready for this? [walks up staircase]

Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage): I’ll do my best.

Mason: [stops and motions back to Goodspeed] Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!

As a Yankees fan, I have a particular bias to all things pinstripes. I truly believe that my team exhibits the best in any and all things, which is why so many other teams try to be like us or are simply just jealous. [I hear your objections and I scoff! if your team spent the kind of money ours does to try and win, you would not be complaining]

Of course, over the years, I’ve been trained to think that by George Steinbrenner. But, considering my personality and behavior, is it really any shock that I’ve spent the last twenty-four years proudly wearing the NY in my daily life?1

My personality is naturally drawn to teams like the Yankees. They exhibit all the qualities that an alpha-Jock Dork like me strives to incorporate in my own life. I may be genetically disposed to root for the Bronx Bombers. But, I have also been shaped by lessons taught by George Steinbrenner and his ownership of the Yankees.

 Over the next few days, I will be sharing a few of those lessons that I may have learned from Steinbrenner [I acknowledge that I may have learned some of these elsewhere as well]. These lessons apply to business, friendships, relationships, and life in general.

Today’s lesson: Winning.

(more…)

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Bad Parenting: Why the All Star Game is Not Chuck-E-Cheese

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Jock Dork: It's Who I Am by Wingnut on July 20, 2010

I don’t generally think of myself as a superior parent [Believing you are usually means you aren’t]. But in certain situations, like All-Star Weekend, it is hard not to look at some parents and their children with a quizzical, WTF look. Events like this can bring out the worst in some kids and their parents1 [Though they can also bring out some of the best of us as well2].

Remember moms and dads, kids are a reflection of you and how you raised them. Thus, the way they interact and treat others in public will give us a better indication of who you are and the lessons you have taught them. If your kids suck, you suck.

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Cheating: A Different Kind of Shark Week

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on July 6, 2010

To my regular readers who don’t follow me on Twittter, I am currently collaborating with  Zoe Blue from WinkWinkWink, Mr. GuyDudeBro from ilovehernot, Just a  Jenn from Life @ Twenty-Something in a five-post exploration of questions and issues surrounding cheating at The Fantastical Ramblings of a Chronic Overthinker by TurnJacson.

Day #1: What qualifies as cheating? [Clearly, things like Warcraft dancing and Twighlight fandom right? In my opinion, they are no different than a strip club]

Day #2: Can a Cheater Change? [Yes, Tiger Woods has become a craptastic golfer! Oh, not the change you were looking for? Then, I think…]

Day #3 Would You Date A Cheater? [“Sorry Bro” and other reasons some people are too stupid to be dating]

Day #4 Do You “Out” the Cheater? [Jesse James sharing hookers with Al Gore? Say it ain’t so (OK, it actually isn’t)]

Day #5 How Much Responsibility Does the Victim of Cheating Have? [Partner’s Needs Amnesia and other fun microbes you bring to the relationship]

For All Your Dating Needs: Ask an Asshole if You Want Useful Advice!

People don’t hide who they are. It is we who choose the glasses through which we filter their image.
 
 
 
 

–ClueXPhilosopher

 

In the my earlier incarnation as a “concrete cowboy” [My term for “Urban Cowboy” is way better], there were certain services that I provided to my female friends that merited the printing of business cards. No, not THOSE services [I was a douche, but that would have made me a King Kong Mega douche1]. At the time, one of the things I was known for was being a good listener and providing sound ClueXFour-style advice.2  These cards said, “Resident Cowboy Psychologist.”

Make no mistake, I was not the “nice guy” who didn’t get laid. Most of those women who came to me were those I had plans to sleep with in the near future or had already slept with and planned to again at some point in time if I needed a booty call.3

Whatever my intentions were, women came to me because I hit them upside with the brutal truth [In my old age, I have learned a little tact. I prepare them…then I brain them with the truth]. Women didn’t come to me for sympathy. They came to me when they needed someone to shoot straight with them.

They came to me when they needed an asshole. (more…)

Black Ops: The Motives and Protocols of Covert Shouting (Shout, part 3)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity, Misadventures in Dating by Wingnut on June 14, 2010

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby, that’s all.

Army of Darkness 

By now I think we can all agree that most people, including ourselves, have been guilty of ‘shouting’ self-lies like “I LOVE MY LIFE AND EVERYONE IN IT!” For this behavior, the only person he/she is hurting is him/herself [For the rest of us, it provides great comic relief]1. Not all wounds caused by shouting are self-inflicted, however.  Sometimes, the other person is shouting at us.

We call this behavior “Covert Shouting” because it is almost always part of “black-ops” by the other person to misdirect or mislead us. It is shouting by design because, if he/she says it and you believe it, the mission can continue to its termination without further threat. Regardless of the nature of the mission [rapid infiltration or prolonged insurgency]2 or the context, the shouting “operative” does not have altruistic intentions.3

(more…)

Thinking Inside-the-Box; or, NiceHole: Graphing What Women Really Want

[Disclaimer: There may be copious amounts of ego on display in this blog. Yeah, that’s how I roll].

I have been asked on more than one occasion what type of guy I consider myself (twice recently) on my own scale of nice-guy v. asshole.  If you are unfamiliar with my theory (although, it really isn’t MY theory), you can follow the links to here: Nice Guy Conundrum and Denial Island. So, I’ve decided to answer that question by shedding some light on a secret that most women don’t even realize.

For those of you who know me, this is not a criticism on what any of you may think of me one way or the other [Though sometimes I’m amused at what people think of me]2. Some think I am the pinnacle of warm, sweet, and caring behavior, while others think that when I sing the words, “I’m an asshole, and proud of it,”1 never truer words have been spoken [thankfully they love me anyway].

I like to think that I am what all women want. OK, before you say, “Holy crap! Talk about ego!” let me explain because this assumption is loosely based upon what little I understand about women [Although, I am, in fact, full of myself and understand nothing about women]. It is not me, specifically, that women want. It is the relative balance between good guy and complete prick which is what women most desire.

Women really want a NiceHole. [This portmanteau sounded like a far better combination of NG and AH than NiceAss, AssNice, AssGuy, GuyAss, GuyHole, HoleGuy]3

Background Info

Women talk about nice guys like they are some sort of endangered species. Some common associations include: “All the good ones are taken…”  “Why can’t I find someone who will treat me decently?” “Where are all the nice guys?” The way women talk about it, any day now I expect to cover story for National Geographic to be, “The Lost Civilization of Nice Guy.”4

Now, I personally don’t believe the “nice guy” exists as advertised anyway [Again, refer back to the “Nice Guy Conundrum” for details]. To summarize for the lazy among you, these “nice” guys are hoping to get laid as much as the next guy; they are just too pussy to go out and get it. [If you are a lazy reader, refer to the graph in place of the upcoming math-related section]

Furthermore, women don’t want this guy anyway, no matter what they tell you. I repeat WOMEN DON’T WANT THIS GUY ANYWAY! The reason is simple: Women don’t like floor mats and everyone who is associated with the label “nice guy” is a floor mat. Is there an exception? Sure. However, this is a woman who has made her man buy “special sheets” so she can show her lack of respect for him in a Golden Fountain of ways. [Sadly, this floor mat used to be one of my friends] Of course what these exception women won’t tell you is this: They are fantasizing about a much stronger man [In her case…me.]5

So, why do women pursue the asshole? It comes down to a matter of confidence. Women love confidence, no matter if it comes in 99% Distilled Douchebag form. Confidence turns all women on. I repeat Confidence turns ALL women on! It can be false confidence, over compensation confidence, or real, genuine “I kick ass!” confidence. The type doesn’t matter. Women want it and they are often willing to be trampled on, insulted, and mistreated to get it. [Maybe someday I’ll explain why assholes continue to flourish, though I guarantee women won’t like the answer]7.

The Happy Medium

So, when it comes down to it, the ideal guy for most women is one who has balance, roughly equal parts nice guy/asshole. They want a guy who can, and often is, a decent human being. At the same time, he must also have a backbone, be able to hold his own against her, and even have a little swagger. Sometimes, he even can be a relatively assholish, as long as the behavior isn’t prolonged or egregious.

You know it women, this is what you want. And these guys are out there, though in relatively short supply.  

Let us quantify this a bit. [Warning: Math Content Ahead. Yes, I am a nerd and actually created a graph]

Think of it like a graph with Nice Guy on the X-Axis and Asshole on the Y-Axis. [The best part is, I’ve done the graphing for you…with shading and labels!] Plot the graph from the origin through X,Y coordinates that are equal [1,1; 2,2…10,10]. This is called the NiceHole Equivalency Ratio Axis.  If a guy’s personality falls around the line, he is considered equal parts Nice Guy and Asshole.

Now perfect equality is rare. However, there are guys who hover the line within a certain range most of the time. These are the ideal selections for most women.

If a guy is too far above the line, he is far more asshole than nice guy. Granted, he will have buttloads of women to choose from [yes, buttloads!]. Someone too far below the line is spineless and usually only useful for wiping your feet on. He will have anti-buttloads of women available to him.8

This is not an exact science because there are two other limits that should act as disqualifiers. If you look at the graph, you will see two vertical lines. Women should disqualify everyone to the left of the Zero-Personality Threshold. Sure, a guy who register 3,3 on the scale might have equal halves. However, they will also have the personality of a banana slug.

People above the axis line to the left of the ZPT are all those guys you’ve dreamed of turning into your personal floor mat.

Likewise, a person beyond 7,7 would be equally balanced. However, this is what we like to call the Batterer Alert Threshold. Anyone who knows anything about abusive relationships will always say the following: “Yes, I know it can get really bad…but when it’s good, it’s SOOOOOO good.” This is not a shock because their superior-level of asshole is interchangeable with an equal level of nice guy. Some, below the axis, still have some nice guy in them, but it is far too little to compensate for being giant testicle.

Ideally, women want to find men inside the four boundaries. Men should, in turn, strive to do their best to be inside the box [Yes boys and girls, being “outside the box” is sometimes a bad thing].

NiceHoles in the Wild: What does this look like anyway and how do I get me some?

I was going to try to get away without having to think up examples of what this actually looks like because it really is hard to quantify. However, I think I can give you some “ideas” of the type of guy he is and some ideas of what he is not.

A NiceHole will be there for you when you truly need it. If you are having a crisis, a NiceHole will be available for you to lean on, cry on, and rely on. However, while the floor mat will always be there, the NiceHole will recognize when you are abusing this privilege and will inform you of such [This involves communication, not the typical passive-aggressive response, which is to simply be unavailable. P-A = Asshole]. The NiceHole is strong enough to follow up with action and tell you no. You may hate him for this, but, ultimately, a firm NO when you are out of line creates the perfect paradox. You are infuriated, yet turned on how strong he is. [Sadly, the Asshole will simply call you a bitch. Even sadder, it will still turn some of you on].

A NiceHole will hold his ground in an argument. This does not mean that he spends the whole time trying to prove that “you are wrong”. He may be wrong and, at some point, will freely admit to it, though not necessarily at that moment. Unlike the “Nice Guy”, the NiceHole does not simply give in and roll over. This will infuriate you, and turn you on. But, at least, in his arguments, he won’t call you stupid or any other name that is designed to insult you and hurt your feelings. [Name Calling = Asshole, though sadly, this will also turn some of you on.]

A NiceHole will attempt to listen to you, but will freely admit that he cannot completely follow some of your conversations because they are rapid, fast-paced, and there is only so much he can hear about “Gray’s Anatomy” before his head explodes. But, at least the NiceHole makes a good effort. The asshole doesn’t ever care [Sadly…turn on!] and the “nice guy” is only listening while imagining you naked.

These are but a few examples.

Getting in Touch with Your Inner NiceHole: Self-Assessment

To determine where you fall on the graph requires a self-assessment…honest self-assessment. You should also take into consideration the input of friends, who will often lie to you, and exes, who will often despise you. Mix it together and come up with the end result.

Where you take it from there, is up entirely to you. I wish I could offer specific advice on how to better behave like one, but each person’s level of self-regulation is different.

That is for you to figure out.

As for me, some of you may think I’m amazing and others think I’m an arrogant prick. Yes, yes I am.

I’m a NiceHole. Nice to meet you.

Footnotes:

  1. Thank you Dennis Leary.
  2. NDF was shocked, in fact, when I sang “Asshole” for karaoke one night. In her fantasy reality, I was this incredible, straight-laced guy who was the most awesome person ever. The first time she heard me swear, she made me repeat it because she didn’t believe I had said it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have you met me?
  3. It is also a great pickup line for Men, Women, Straight and Gay. “What’s up…Nice Hole!”
  4. Historical records show that the “Civilization of the Nice Guy” was lost after it was invaded by the French. See folks, even the French can whup up on a nice guy.
  5. They only started dating because she was hoping to make me jealous. I wouldn’t give her the time of day because we all called her a succubus [Do you need any more proof than “special sheets”?]6
  6. BTW, I still hate you Diablorobotica for forcing the rest of us to have this horrible visual as well.
  7. You were warned: Assholes exist because there are always plenty of women to put up with it. Thus, the majority of complete pricks are not motivated to change because they can ALWAYS get laid somewhere. [I am not saying this is right…just that it is] If women wanted to rid the world of assholes, they would have to unite as one against Tryassany. How likely is that to happen? [I’ll blog upon this some other time]
  8.  Anti-buttloads = Women in naked magazines and Anime.

“I’m a Good Person and People Like Me”: No Stuart, You are King Deusche! (Shouting Part Two)

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on June 3, 2010
 
 

No matter how often you say it, doesn't make it true!

Issues of Self: I’m OK [Though I’m really a hot-fucking mess]

It amazes me sometimes the things we will shout about ourselves in an effort to maintain the thin veil of our own sanity. Much like the bloated statements about how “fantisterastic” a relationship is, these statements are fraught with all sorts of fault lines, the smallest which can fracture at the slightest glimpse of its reflection. [Reflected image = Epic Sanity Fail]

That “glimpse” is what people fear most. To look in the mirror means having to admit that their fool-hearty attempt to pass the “I’m OK” test has been futile. [Fuck I need to fix my fixation with the “f”]. Acquaintances and new friends are often unaware of these cracks. They believe what the people say about themselves without too much questioning. Little do they know [I once taught a whole class on “Little did he know”1], each firm declaration of self is really a subconscious confession of the opposite.

Those a little closer to the precipice or within the inner circle are more astute observers and can adequately evaluate each “self-statement” for its “complete bullshit” levels. Every so often, they might even call the person on it [This is often followed by “friendship Armageddon”] (more…)

Colossal Acts of Denial: Why Are You Always Shouting?

Posted in Clue x Fours and Other Tools of Sanity by Wingnut on May 26, 2010

[FYI, reader participation for part 2 is encouraged. See not at the bottom for details]

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far 1

–Theodore Roosevelt

Most of us have seen that ridiculous commercial “Declaration”, the one with the couple in random location in Europe. It’s the one where the guy starts screaming out “I LOVE THIS WOMAN!” He then, of course, follows this up with jewelry. [Ladies, just because he went to Jared doesn’t mean a thing. I mean, look at Kobe Bryant23]

If I could ask that guy one question, it would be this: Why the hell are you shouting? Who are you trying to convince? [To the Europeans in the commercial, his shouting is the equivalent of “burning rubber’ in your muscle car…both signs of a small penis].

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